You didn’t think little things like different timezones, different continents and different languages would stop us from our appointed rounds, did you? Oscar Night is the biggest Pop Culture evening of the year… movies, television, music, fashion, all converge on the red carpet in Hollywood to spend four turgid hours locked in the Kodak Theatre together. From the North American office in Chicago and the South American office in Cuenca, we used to magic of the internet and satellite to chronicle our every drunken thought. As usual, the transcript has been edited and shortened for your sanity.
The Dilemma: I’ve been watching this red carpet coverage for like an hour, and I think I have some sort of Clockwork Orange-related sickness now. The only way this could possible be more insipid, brainless and borderline evil is if Billy Bush were involved.
ABC ratings strategy: have some douche come on and tell everyone there’s no possible way that Colin Firth can lose. I know it’s true, but you would think ABC would want some suspense.
David Simon Cowell: I’ve got six big bottles of cheap Ecuadorian beer, some Lemoncello, microwave popcorn with extra butter and my pants off, plus a Spanish feed I can’t understand… let’s do this shit.
T.D.: In an effort to keep myself grounded amid all this glitz and glamor, I’m drinking PBR.
The show begins with the obligatory and tired “hosts in scenes of the Best Picture nominee” montage.
D.S.C.: What are the odds Anne Hathaway is less annoying in Spanish?
T.D.: I think it’s the timbre of her voice that’s annoying more than what she actually says. Bring it, Vilanch!
D.S.C.: How many days into rehearsals did Franco bang Hathaway? How many hours after this broadcast does he speak to her for the last time?
T.D.: I bet they bang again tonight.
D.S.C.: We must pause to appreciate that a cast member of Freaks and Geeks is now an Oscar host… good job NBC. Poor Linda Caradellini… I still can’t get over that there have been three big stars from that show, and that she’s not one of them.
I love how they’re getting the mom’s involved this year. “What are we going to do? The hosts are too young! How do we get the old folks interested?”
Someone decided it was a good idea to have stroke victim Kirk Douglas present Best Supporting Actress.
T.D.: When did Kirk Douglas turn into Borat?
D.S.C.: I wish my Spanish was better so I could tell how close this simultaneous translation is… this guy is earning his money now. He’s pausing between every third word for like 20 seconds.
Can we get a Dick Clark/Kirk Douglas talk show please
T.D.Please God, not Melissa Leo.
D.S.C.: It will definitely be Melissa, but it shouldn’t be.
T.D.: Leo’s perfrormance was Boston minstrelsy.
Melissa Leo wins, and gives one of the worst speeches ever.
D.S.C.: This is a worse performance than The Fighter.
T.D.: “Golly Sakes!” is not a thing.
D.S.C.: Well, she was raised on the Lower East Side… they talk different down there.
The Adapted Screenplay award goes to Aaron Sorkin.
D.S.C.: Odds Sorkin thanks his sponsor(s).
T.D.: Odds Sorkin comes across like a huge jackass.
That was actually a fairly humble speech. Nicely done.
D.S.C.: He’s the best… congrats Aaron… have some mushrooms on us.
T.D.: “The Oscars will return….with Russell Brand.” Bet you never thought you’d hear that.
D.S.C.: Once I heard, “with your host Whoopi Goldberg”, I knew nothing would surprise me again.
T.D.: “and the Oscar goes to…Crash.”
D.S.C. Roberto Benigni.
T.D.: Jamie Foxx.
The Best Original Score goes to Trent Reznor and some other guy.
T.D.: If Reznor doesn’t win this, it’s a fucking crock.
D.S.C.: Where does Trent Reznor having an Oscar fall in between Helen Mirren and the 3 whatever Mafia?
Oscar winner Trent Reznor… we are officially old as shit.
T.D.: How does this now justify a “Head Like a Hole” performance on the broadcast?
He should close his speech with “I wanna fuck the Academy like an animal.”
Inception wins a bunch of technical awards.
T.D.: The Academy is trying to apologize for not nominating Nolan.
D.S.C.: Not at all… I just think they can’t deny the technical stuff, which is probably their justification for not nominating Nolan. This is the Academy saying, fuck you Nolan, it was all because of the big budget action movie trappings.
There is some sort of awful auto-tune montage of Best Picture characters singing.
D.S.C.: This is an obvious sop to younger viewers, the people who think Jimmy Fallon is funny.
T.D.: I honestly don’t understand what’s happening.
D.S.C.: This is still better then Tom Hanks son rapping.
Memo to old people: this isn’t because you don’t get it… don’t pretend to like it… you’re right.
T.D.: Worst Oscar broadcast ever? Not one funny joke so far. Awful performances. Predictable winners.
D.S.C.: Congratulations… 12th year in a row you’ve said that.
T.D.: I like our traditions.
Oprah Winfrey comes out to present the Documentary Oscars… Inside Job wins.
T.D.: Oprah and Gwyneth on the same broadcast. Welcome to my nightmare. And Randy Newman. Might as well bring out Curt Schilling.