The Questions I’d Ask Axl Rose

The world is a better place when Axl Rose is in the news.

Our old, dreadlocked friend is popping up out of his bunker this week, as he’s consented to a sit-down interview to air on VH1 this Friday. Which is all well and good: Rose remains a fascinating figure and there a lot of gaps in his narrative we’d like to fill in. Unfortunately, he’s appearing on something called “The Metal Show” and his questioner is someone called “Eddie Trunk,” a gentleman who interviewed Rose at length on his radio program a few years ago and gleaned no meaningful information. Trunk has claimed that he and Rose share some kind of spiritual connection, and is clearly more interested in being Axl’s pal than he in is in any kind of journalism:

After Trunk told Axl that he was impressed with the singer’s performance throughout the three-hour set, calling Rose’s vocals flawless and “spot on,” Rose responded by saying, “I had a good night. It’s not an anomaly, but I did have a good night, and I have been taking care of my voice. I do warm-ups before the show, I do warm-downs after the show, I do those religiously.”

Mmm. Hard-hitting stuff. “You are a singer, and you sing good. Thoughts?” “Yes, I sing good.” “Let’s make out.”

What a missed opportunity. If I had a chance to interview the elusive, reclusive Mr. Rose, this is what I’d ask him:

1) How do you maintain your figure? What’s your secret?

I smoke my cigarette with style

2) I want to step into your world. Is it a sociopsychotic state of bliss?

3) What’s your favorite Velvet Revolver song?

4) You’ve said that Warren Beatty is a “double-talking jive motherfucker.” Do you think that’s why Town & Country flopped?

5) Did any dolphins try to make love up on you during the filming of the “Estranged” video?

6) What did you learn from The Buckethead Era?

7) How does it feel to have betrayed your bandmates emotionally, legally and financially?

8) Why did you betray America by recording that Charles Manson song?

9) You can tell me the truth, and I’ll keep it just between us. “One in a Million” was just you being a racist asshole, right?

10) Did you go to Shannon Hoon’s funeral? Was the Bee Girl there?

11) Speaking of which: I wrote my dissertation on the contrast between “Don’t Cry (Original Version)” and “Don’t Cry (Alternate Lyrics)”. Can you give this a quick read and affirm my analysis?

12) What was a bigger moment in Elton John Duets With a Homophobe on an Awards Show History — “November Rain” or Elton’s appearance with Eminem?

13) The fact that Guns N’ Roses are eligible for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame makes me feel ancient. Can you apologize to me for that?

14) When you’re inducted, will you show up four hours late to the ceremony and try to incite a riot?

15) Why are there no YouTube videos of people acting out the “November Rain” video at their real-life weddings and crashing through their wedding cakes? Is the Internet broken?

16) Where does Chinese Democracy rank in the pantheon of all-time great albums? Above or below Spaghetti Incident? For sure top five, right?

17) Who looked prettier after you beat them: Erin Everly or Stephanie Seymour? Who was more willing to go along with the “I tripped over one of Slash’s snakes” cover story?

18) You’ve believed in past-life regression therapy. Who were you in your past lives? Søren Kierkegaard? Thomas Paine? Amos and/or Andy?

19) If this interview appears in print, will you include me in the lyrics to “Get In The Ring Pt. 2: The Rematch”? Please? “That means you, The Dilemma from Pop Culture Has AIDS…”

20) Your life pretty much proves the whole burn out/fade away thing, doesn’t it?

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