[Ed. Note: Our Boston insider, *Arriaga Pizzoza (*not his real name) spent the latter portion of 2011 researching the Boston Red Sox chicken-gate scandal, before running afowl of Big Brother and forced into exile. He filed this report back when it was still timely, but due to the southern hemisphere's lack of internet and postal service infrastructure, we only recently received this correspondence and forced one of our interns to retype it exactly as it appeared on the fast food wrappers he scribbled his notes on. Enjoy.]
Greetings fair reader and thank you for listening to my tale. Who am I? Well, I can’t tell you my real identity, but lets just say I have experience playing in and eating at the Boston Market.
Due to some trouble with the state of Rhode Island, I’m currently residing in an undisclosed South American village. What kind of trouble you ask? Let’s just say their tax department tried to “Sock” it to me, but the charges will never “ketchup” to me down here. Even if they try, they’ll have a “Reckoning” to deal with. Anyways, on to the story.
Everything you know about the Boston Red Sox is a lie. New England Sports Ventures, the shell company of John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino is itself just a shell corporation for the G8. No, not that G8; it only wishes it were as powerful as this one. The true G8, or Grease-8, is a shady cabal of the eight largest chicken chains in the US, consisting of KFC, Popeye’s, Chick-Fil-A, Boston Market, Church’s, Bojangles’, BW3′s, and Zaxby’s. And Big Chicken, for reasons largely still unknown, have controlled the Boston Red Sox since the day they were founded.
It is believed that this largely Southern-centric group merely enjoys toying with the hearts and minds of what they term the “northeastern elite”. Why they didn’t choose the team explicitly named the Yankees is beyond me, but so be it. There are rumors that Colonel Sanders and Player-Manager Jimmy Collins were romantic rivals, and that the G8 believed American League founder Ban Johnson to be a relative of “Union war-mongering” Vice-President Andrew Johnson, though these cannot be confirmed. Either way, with over a century of facts at my disposal, I have finally attempted to unravel the Great Boston Chicken Conspiracy.
The events & dates below are purely factual.
1901 – An 11-year-old Harlan (Colonel) Sanders drops out of the 7th grade. The Boston Americans are founded.
1908 – Sanders turns 18, joins the Army and mysteriously disappears to Cuba. The Boston Americans change their name to the Boston Red Sox. Cuba and the term ‘Red’ are intertwined for the first time.
1909-1929 – Records for this time are sketchy, but during this period it is known that Sanders held many jobs, including steamboat pilot, insurance salesman, railroad fireman and farmer, while the Red Sox were one of baseball’s best franchises until the sale of Babe Ruth. It is widely speculated that this photo of Ruth eating a hot dog instead of a chicken drumstick so infuriated Sanders that he ordered him traded.
1930 – Ex-Red Stocking turned rival NY Yankee Babe Ruth was asked by a reporter what he thought of his salary of $80,000 being more than President Hoover’s $75,000. His response: “I know, but I had a better year than Hoover.” Angered by the hubris, Sanders opens his first chicken stand.
1935 – Sanders is bestowed the honorary title of Colonel from the Kentucky government. Babe Ruth is sent back to Boston, as a Brave and promptly retires.
1939 – Sanders develops his process of pressure frying, the Red Sox trade for Ted Williams.
1946 – The first iteration of what would later be known as Chick-Fil-A opens as the “Dwarf House” in Hapeville, GA. Enos Slaughter completes his “mad dash” from first to home on a base hit for the St. Louis Cardinals, allowing them to defeat the Sox in the World Series.
1964 – Sanders sells the KFC franchise for $2million. 18 year old Boston phenom Tony Conigliaro slugs 24 home runs.
1967 – The first true Chick-Fil-A opens in Atlanta, Ga. The Red Sox fall just short in their “Impossible Dream” season, losing the World Series in 7 games to the Cardinals. The aforementioned Conigliaro has his face shattered by a fastball to the eye socket and is never the same.
1972 – Popeye’s Chicken & Biscuits is founded. The Red Sox lose their division by a half-game to the Detroit Tigers after blowing 2 of 3 games in the final series of the regular season.
1976 – Popeye’s first franchise store opens in Baton Rouge. Sox owner Tom Yawkey dies.
1978 – This happened:
And then this happened:
1986 – KFC is sold to PepsiCo. The first freestanding Chick-Fil-A is opened. And of course, this:
1990 – The Bojangles Chicken Franchise nears bankruptcy and is sold. The Zaxby’s Chicken Franchise is founded. The Red Sox are swept by Oakland in the ALCS. Also, 1990 is the first noted use of the “1918!” taunt by Yankees fans. In retribution, the G8 forces George Steinbrenner to fire then-manager Bucky Dent after a game at Fenway.
1994 – Bojangles’ attempts a public stock offering which collapses. The Red Sox are 17 games back of the Yankees when the 1994 baseball season collapses with a player’s strike and Dan Duquette is hired as Red Sox General Manager.
1995 – Boston Chicken becomes Boston market. Chick-fil-A debuts their famous “Eat Mor Chiken” campaign. The first joint KFC-Taco Bell store opens. The Red Sox are swept by Cleveland in the ALDS. Their postseason loss streak sits at 13 games dating back to 1986.
1996 – Church’s Chicken hires the first female president of a fast-food chain. A ‘washed up’ Roger Clemens fans 20 Detroit Tigers before being released by the Red Sox. He would win four more Cy Young’s in his career.
1999 – Boston Market debuts branded meals at supermarkets nation-wide. The Red Sox were defeated 4 games to 1 by the Yankees in the ALCS.
2002 – Boston Market is sued by Boston Pizza for trademark infringement. A new corporation known as New England Sports Ventures “buys” the Red Sox. Dan Duquette is fired, and they finish 10.5 games behind the Yankees and miss the playoffs.
2003 – PETA’s first known protest of KFC. Theo Epstein is hired. And this:
2004 – Church’s & Popeye’s, previously owned by the same group, are separated. Chick-Fil-A halts their “Eat Mor Chiken” campaign in the wake of Mad Cow Disease. The original KFC is demolished to make way for a Colonel Sanders museum. To show its displeasure with these events, the G8 deems them worthy and the Red Sox win the World Series. (Also, the Red Sox signed the greatest player in team history, who shall remain anonymous)
2006 – The KFC ‘Famous Bowl’ debuts in June. Theo Epstein quits and returns. The Red Sox go 9-21 in August to finish third in the AL East.
2007 – Boston Market is sold. KFC stops its use of Trans-Fat oil and discontinues its sale of Extra-Tasty Crispy chicken. With no garlic and fat marinade to slow them down, the Red Sox win their second World Series of the decade. (Also, the best player in team history departs, thus speeding their downward spiral.)
2010 – KFC introduces the Double Down. The Red Sox miss the playoffs for the first time since 2006.
2011 – Early in the year, Chick-Fil-A finds itself embroiled in controversy due to their IRS forms, where they are discovered to have given more than $2 million to anti-gay groups. In August, 2011, Bojangles’ is sold to Advent International, a global private equity firm based in Boston. In September of 2011, BW3′s brings back Thai Curry & Jammin Jalapeno sauces due to intense demand. The Red Sox suffer a collapse termed by the Boston Globe as:
“a story of disunity, disloyalty, and dysfunction like few others in franchise history.
There were the pitchers who ate chicken and drank beer during games.
There was a manager distracted with a litany of marital and health problems.
And much, much more.”
One would think that would sum it up, but in the interest of fairness, there is an alternate theory out there, presented by my colleague, whom I’ll call Bosh Jeckett. He thinks it’s not a conspiracy, but a curse. No not THAT curse, but a more recently discovered one. What do the following names have in common?
Larry Parish, Michael Greenwell, Rich Gale, Lew Ford, Rob Deer, Jamie Brown, and Scott Atchison
You might be thinking – they all played for the Red Sox. You are WRONG. Well, not really. They all played for the Red Sox, but they also all played for Hanshin Tigers. Why does that matter? Take it away Wikipedia: (Really? Wikipedia?? Fucking
Beckett, I mean, uh Jeckett really is a lazy Fat Fuck.)
The Curse of the Colonel:
As with many other underachieving baseball teams, a curse is believed to lurk over the Tigers. After their 1985 Japan Series win, fans celebrated by having people who looked like Tigers players jump into the Dotonbori Canal. According to legend, because none of the fans resembled first baseman Randy Bass, fans grabbed a life-sized statue of Kentucky Fried Chicken mascot Colonel Sanders and threw it into the river (like Bass, the Colonel had a beard and was not Japanese). After many series without a series win, the Tigers were said to be doomed never to win the season again until the Colonel was rescued from the river.
In 2003, when the Tigers returned to the Japan Series after 18 years with one of the worst records in the Central League, many KFC outlets in Kobe and Osaka moved their Colonel Sanders statues inside until the series was over to protect them from Tigers fans.
The top half of the statue (excluding its left hand) was finally recovered on March 10, 2009, and the bottom half and right hand shortly thereafter.
Who joined the Red Sox after the 2009 season? Scott Atchison. Who has played on the only Boston teams to not make the playoffs on the last half-decade? Scott Atchison. Who must Boston fans sacrifice to their gods to remove the pox on the Sox? Scott Atchison. Rat me out to the feds for loan default because I wouldn’t give you a free copy of Kingdoms of Amalur, will ya dick? See you in hell, Scottie.