Billy Beane’s Fake Daughter Finally Defends Herself

Hiyee! What’s up you guys? I’m Billy Beane’s fake daughter from the movie Moneyball. You might know me from the movie! Or, you might know me because some jerk wrote this mean thing about me. I mean, as Stephanie from Full House would say on the reruns I watch on WGN because it’s 2002 in my world, “how rude!”

Anyway, the thing that this jerk wrote was a long time ago — like 9 months ago. That’s how much time it takes to make a baby! My fake Mom, Mrs. Beane, taught me that. But people are still so mad about the thing the jerk wrote that I thought I should say something to defend myself.

Should I strum this guitar while I talk, and maybe make it a song? No? OK.

Anyway, here’s what I wanted to say to the jerk: maybe you should chill out. Maybe you shouldn’t get so worked up about a figment of a screenwriter’s imagination (or a team of screenwriters, in this case!). There’s lots of dumb characters in lots of dumb movies, so I’m not sure why you had to pick on me. I’m just a cute fake little girl who sings some song by some person called Lenka. Adorably, I might add. I can use the word adorably (four syllables!) because I’m precocious. That’s why my fake dad loves me so much.

Here’s what I really don’t understand — since I am just a construct, a tool used to further the plot in a mediocre sports movie, what’s the point of getting so mad? Would Moneyball have been an all-time great movie if I weren’t in it? I don’t think so! I mean, did you see the way they demonized Art Howe? Ridic!

So why pick on me, a darling, sweet, imaginary entity? And why get so hung up about my song? It’s not the worst song ever written, right (that would be “The Joker” by the Steve Miller Band.)? It’s not even the worst song to ever appear in a movie (that would be “My Heart Will Go On” from the movie Titanic). I’m confused about the whole thing and why the jerk says mean things about me. You might even say that I’m just a little girl lost in the moment.

OK, but that being said, I feel like some of you guys who have come to my defense maybe aren’t helping so much?

Like this person, who said:

For a movie you really didn’t like, you sure seem to have watched it over and over and over in order to analyze it in such detail. You must love watching baby seals get clubbed to death too !!! If you don’t like something, stop watching it. Problem solved.

That doesn’t really help me! That makes me look bad by being so stupid in its defense of me! The concept that you should stop watching anything you don’t like kind of invalidates the entire concept of cultural and art criticism! Not cool! Or the person who said this:

It is a damn movie and you get this worked up over A LITTLE GIRL being in a movie. You obviously have some internal shit going on in your miniscule brain that you need to pick on a young girl. Holy shit, you need mental help

First of all, watch your language! My fake dad only uses language like that when he’s lamenting Derek Jeter’s flip play (but I think DJ is hunky. Shhh! Don’t tell my fake dad!). Second of all, I’m not that little! I’m old enough to have teenage thoughts and feelings! Third of all, I feel you kind of contradict yourself when you say it’s just a movie but then you yell and say bad words and insults. Not helping, person! Also, this:

Your on the same list as the people who sell you fake shit on the jewelry channels.

How come so many people who come to my defense mistake “your” for “you’re”? I’m just a fake kid and even I don’t mess that up. Also…what? How is that argument helping me? And what’s a jewelry channel? And this person…

I bet your mother had to reheat your dinner for you because you were too busy writing this ridiculous rant to come up from the basement and eat.

I may be a pretend adolescent girl, and I don’t even exist in the year 2012, but even I know that the blogging-from-your-mom’s-basement meme is pretty lazy and played out. Come on guys. Step it up. And also, I have inside information that the jerk who wrote this is perfectly capable of eating while writing ridiculous rants. You can do both! I wonder if he was eating mac n’ cheese when he wrote about me! I love mac n’ cheese.

So anyways, I guess my point is: you guys are not helping my cause. If you want to defend a fake child in a movie, you should maybe first remember that she’s fake. And then remember how to spell and form sentences? Just a thought. Like, if I were going to defend myself, I would say that I’m a necessary device to round out my fake Dad’s character, and that even though it feels cheap and sudden when he turns down the Red Sox job because he remembers I exist, you can still make a case that that’s a thing that might happen in real life.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I’m the fucking worst.

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35 Comments

Filed under Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma

35 responses to “Billy Beane’s Fake Daughter Finally Defends Herself

  1. Anonymous

    BURN!!!!!!!!!

  2. Anonymous

    I’ll call you “Casey”, the name given to your character.
    Regarding Lenka’s “the Show” and your performance, it was a nicely calibrated dramatic performance. A smooth studio performance would not have fit the character. You sang like a late-adolescent just coming into her own. Casey, you did exactly right.
    About the use of composite characters and the liberties seized by screenwriters and producers, I ask who is to cast the stone that says “Better dead than misread!”? Decades ago, we steered the broad film industry in this direction of expediency and “pith”. A movie must be considered a separate story, shaped by its format

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  4. Anonymous

    I think it’s clear that you didn’t understand the point of his writing at all. He clearly stated that he enjoyed the movie, but hated the girl in it. His letter was a lament to how an otherwise good movie was undermined by including an otherwise pointless character for the purpose of marketing Brad Pitt to the mainstream. If you paid attention to what he had to say rather than see it as a personal attack, you would see that it really has nothing to do with the actor, only the character.

  5. CIA

    Americans Are Beyond The The Intelligence Of The Rest Of The World. I really Do Not Understand This Hatred And Ignorance. Wait, They Depict Us Based On Movies And The Occasions Where We Stand Up To Retarded Other World Thinking. Yea, Keep Being Less Than The Greatest Power Of This World, Lol. You All Conform To Us, So Stop Talking Shit, It Won’t Get You Laid. And A Man Falling For An Uncultured Ignorant Woman, Well, Hahahahaha Oh The Soo Called First World After USA Makes me Laugh… Sure First World, With No Control Nor Knowledge Nor Power To Stand Up… Unlike The First World. But Then Again Even Moving Here You Would Never Fit In. You’re Either From Here Or Not. And We Accept You All For We Understand Ignorance And Tyranny Through Expression. Such A Poor World Thinking They’re Not. For First World, The Other “First Worlders” Have No Freedom HAHAHAHAHA

  6. Anonymous

    moneyball a damned good film , lovely little song , it is only film entertainment, brad and the rest of the cast only doing there jobs
    greggo scotland

  7. Anonymous

    Having a broad vocabulary does not make you more intelligent nor does it increase your charm. You are not witty you are pathetic. How does it feel to know while you are “blogging” that actress you keep referring to as a, “fake daughter,” is actually making money for how she spends her time? Ass.

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    • Anonymous

      You are the worst. Get a job, hipster.

      • Anonymous

        In addition to that– having a broad vocabulary does not increase your intelligence nor does it increase your charm. You are not witty you are pathetic. While you’re “blogging” that actress you keep referring to as a “fake daughter,” is out there actually making money for how she spends her time. I bet that just eats you alive doesn’t it? Ass.

  9. !READ!:
    Oh my goodness!!! I cant believe everyone on here thinks the girl in the movie actually wrote this! SHE DIDN’T WRITE THIS!!! People are actually writing back saying things like, ” You did great, don’t let the jerk get to you”, “You sang great”, “You were awesome in the movie”, etc. HaHa. This is just some weird guy pretending to be her. DO YOU THINK THE GIRL WHO IS ACTUALLY IN THE FILM WOULD SAY THAT MONEYBALL IS MEDIOCRE? NO! And do you Think SHE WOULD Then TALK MORE SHIT About The MOVIE SHE’S IN and The PEOPLE WHO MADE THE MOVIE, AND CASTED HER by SAYING the PEOPLE Who MADE MONEYBALL Are RIDICULOUS For DEMONIZING ART HOW, And That It Is BAD WRITING And CHEAP When Billy Beane’s Character turns down the Red-Sox job? OF COURESE NOT!!! THE REAL GIRL/ACTRESS WOULD NEVER, NEVER, EVER, SAY THOSE THINGS ABOUT, AND BASH HER OWN MOVIE AND THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE HER A CHANCE AND HER FIRST BIG BREAK BY CASTING HER!!!!!!! And She would also not talk trash about Celine Dion, and others. And She would DEFINATELY NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT HER OWN FANS WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO DEFEND and STICK UP for Her!!! This was just SOME WIERD GUY who WROTE THIS PRETENDING TO BE HER FOR SOME WIERD REASON. Maybe he thought it would be Funny to see if people actually think he’s the real girl, and they did, so……….IDK. Sorry, I was just trying to find out something about the song featured in the movie and I came across this, and I had to say something because I couldn’t believe how many people were responding to this like they were talking to the actual little girl from the movie.

  10. P.S. And to the guy/WIERDO who really wrote this, you said, “So anyways, I guess my point is: you guys are not helping my cause. If you want to defend a fake child in a movie, you should maybe first remember that she’s fake”. They’re not defending a fake child, they’re defending a real child! The Actress who plays the character of Billy Beane’s daughter, who is also not fake/fictional, because the role is based on an actual person. So before you try to be clever and correct people, you should correct yourself because, that’s just one of the many incorrect and lame/stupid things that you wrote.

    • Anonymous

      They never attacked the real child. Or the actress that played the fake one.

      They attacked the concept. The idea that you silly Americans MUST HAVE a “spoonful of sugar” with your stories or you fail to understand the characters properly.

      However all your ridiculous replies only go to strengthen the movie’s decision to include said spoonful. The creators treat you like brainless cattle because they apparently have to.

      You know when “Henry V” was released in America they renamed it “Henry” because they decided it would be too confusing for you yankees otherwise. True story. They renamed one of Shakespeare’s most famous plays to save poor mentally-challenged moviegoers the trouble of trying to track down the first 4 films.

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  12. douzpwa

    I liked the song and thought you sang well, I enjoyed the film dont waste your time with a silly jealous nobody.

  13. ks

    Sweetheart – First of all, you’re absolutely adorable. Unfortunately, and you’re finding this out way too early in life, there are people who are so unhappy with themselves and their lives that they go out of their way to make nice people like you miserable. Don’t let a stranger’s unkind words affect you. Your rendition of the song you sing brings tears to my eyes every time I watch Moneyball. Just like the Beach Boys’ God Only Knows. In addition to being able to carry a tune, you convey such poignancy when you sing. Despite hearing all the time how important money is, the whole point of the movie is that there are many things that are much more important than money.

    • Anonymous

      It’s hilarious how simple you are. It was a creative writing piece from the imagined perspective of a fictional character. You are clearly denser than a neutron star.

      But thank you for making me smile at your inability to think.

  14. Keith Chamblin

    I don’t understand why anybody would get mad about your character in the movie! First off, it’s a movie. For the jerk, that means for your entertainment! If every true story was fact based to every single detail then all you would get is a boring sequence of people’s lives. I thought the movie was fantastic, and I thought your role in the movie was a must to make the movie as great as it was. Btw Mac n Cheese is great I agree.

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  16. Anonymous

    You seem really attached to you’re fake dad. I like Brad Pitt and I liked you’re character in the movie. Its just that you were the reason he passed on the red sox so that pissed off a lot of people , but that doesn’t give them the right to criticise you off screen. Now, you’ve tried to defend yourself and mind you not doing a great job at it. You might think you did but no. It doesn’t matter if you’re 14 or a helpless adorable kid. Now you’ve given people the right. So not paying attention to anything above , in plain simple words: Youre a young dumb chick , who just wants to get fucked. :)

    • Nick

      I think she perfectly adequately demonstrated that she’s obviously not dumb – unlike your own pretty poor showing, sirrah. I loved the way she sang her song and acted in Moneyball. I don’t believe that your closing comments are suitable, however.

      I’m glad that you are “anonymous”. You probably should stay that way, because to put a human face on those disgusting remarks would only encourage any decent person to make you swallow several of your own teeth.

      Have a nice day, and make an appointment with your dentist. :-D

      • Anonymous

        (Not the same anonymous)

        The person that wrote the initial piece attacking the FICTIONAL CHARACTER also wrote the reply from the perspective of that same FICTIONAL CHARACTER.

        I mean honestly people… who ties your shoe laces for you?

    • douzpwa

      You remain anonymous because the last sentence exposes your paedo nature and should be on a beware list!

  17. Since you’re such an English teacher, getting worked up over any and all grammatical imperfections, you might want to lose the “third of all” phrase. Even a little imaginary girl who doesn’t have grown up thoughts knows the word, “Thirdly”.

    • Redvin23

      Shouldnt your Name be Imawasting Mytime? I meant that would be grammatically correct. Besides, it is appropriate to put a 14 year old girl’s defense under a grammar microscope? I don’t think so, even adult who claim to be “such an English teacher” make grammatical errors in there writing. I find it all time time with MSN.com and Yahoo articles and they are professionals. Leave the adorable girl alone.

  18. Anonymous

    “The Joker” is not the worst song ever written. Perhaps when you’re old enough to grow some peaches you’ll understand.

    • Colin

      Totally inappropriate.

    • Nick

      Can you possibly get any nastier? Yes, “The Joker” is a good song, but why the heck are you repeatedly commenting on a kid’s intimate activities and attributes? Are you a child molester? Does the sexual development of a young girl excite you?

      I take back what I said previously about you swallowing your own teeth. If I ever meet you, your teeth will end up in your spinal column, and you won’t swallow anything ever again.

      Stay anonymous dicksplash!

      • Keith Chamblin

        I second this! People like Mr. Anonymous make me sick! Are you from Penn St? That was wildly inappropriate and disgusting. You should really go find something better to do with your life.

  19. I agree that you played a great part in the movie. Boo Hoo to the people who were unable to grasp that…

  20. Anonymous

    I liked the movie and thought you did a great job – Keep it up!

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