We do it every year, and yet we don’t really know why. Not only do we subject ourselves to the night of “entertainment” known as the Oscars, but we record our thoughts for posterity. We probably do it for our children and grandchildren, passing down the tale of the Oscar hosts’ genocide against humor in the hopes that they never forget.
This time, we also brought along The Musky Canadian to bear witness.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma
The Oscars have a problem… well, two really… oh yeah, there’s also three and four… OK, they’ve got a bunch. But one of the most glaring is the Best Original Song category.
Because only two minor songs were able to get themselves nominated this year, this problem has come to the fore. But this year is clearly not an aberration. Sure, sometimes something worthwhile like “Lose Yourself” from 8 Mile or “Things Have Changed” from Wonder Boys or even that song from Once are able to rise to the top. But, most of the time, the nominees are either trite tunes from children’s movies, or the one new throw-in from a musical, or whatever leftover Randy Newman found in his notebook.
This is a shame, at least as much of one as anything involving the Oscars can be, because music and film have a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship, enriching each’s meaning through their juxtaposition. So, let’s help Oscar loosen his head from his ass, and at least get one of his problems solved.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS, Music Has AIDS
It’s that time of year yet again… when we gather around the warmth of our television to watch a turgid display of crass self-congratulation. Who woulda thought we’d be yearning for the days of Franco and Hathaway, of a stuttering king who taught us the meaning of courage?
As we may have mentioned in our 2011 movie wrap-up, this year’s crop was abysmal. The only thing that could be worse is watching the ghost of Billy Crystal photoshop himself into all of them. God help us all.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Contrary to popular belief, we here at P.C.H.A. don’t hate children. After all, without them where would America’s Funniest Home Videos be? What we truly hate, however, is Hollywood using child characters as vessels for their pandering, manipulative instincts.
Back in October, The Dilemma addressed one of the worst recent examples of this… Billy Beane’s daughter from Moneyball. It was a good bet that she would be the most cynical character in a Best Picture nominee this year. A bet we unfortunately lost. Because, as bad as she and her horrific song were, being in her noxious presence was like a warm bath compared the scalding burn the lead character in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close gave us.
So, in order to make sure The Dilemma isn’t the only one on an F.B.I. Watch List, I decided to get some things off my chest.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS
As the 2012 Republican nominating season gets slightly more interesting, although headed toward the same inevitable result, a few things are certain. Nobody actually likes Mitt Romney. Even voters in Maine aren’t crazy enough to give a primary to Ron Paul (and having experienced some of the freakshows who live there first-hand, that’s saying something). A decent number of god-fearing, upstanding, Midwestern voters think the Presidential portrait gallery should go from Washington to Ass Juice. And Gingrich is going to be a dick even if it serves no productive purpose.
But, even if the mechanics leave something to be desired, the 2012 Republican Party always brings enough crazy to be entertaining. Yesterday’s New York Times (or, as it’s known by some, the propaganda arm of the Secular Islamist Socialist Anarchists (SISA)) chronicled the last day of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). An annual meeting of the committed conservative base, it’s basically the caucus of Crazy Town. As usual, it didn’t disappoint.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS
The Super Bowl decides all sorts of things (except the best football team of the season, apparently). Does the halftime performer still have it (while the show was better than expected, watching 53-year-old Madge try to keep up with her gay sidekicks was just sad)? Will something happen to get the Fox News Nation all riled up (thanks, M.I.A.)? Has America finally become immune to cute puppies and faded celebrities (Sadly, no).?
But, this year, two of the most loathsome people on the planet decided to go mano-a-mano, to figure out which of them is most hateful.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS
On Tuesday, Mitt Romney finally gave into the heat from Newt Gingrich and released his most recent tax returns (from 2010).
Unsurprisingly for somebody who made his bones in the shady world of private equity, Mitt’s returns showed a whole lot of pay ($23 million) and not a lot of payback (14%). Obviously, the ridiculous tax rate (and income for an unemployed guy) has caused much comment. And, given that Mitt was part of the lobbying effort to keep capital gains taxes so low, his “I just pay what they tell me” stance is especially obscene.
But, what should really worry Republicans isn’t Romney’s exploitation of our soak-the-poor tax structure… it’s that he didn’t see this coming.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS
While they certainly look like much more fun to attend, the Golden Globes are always in the Oscars’ shadow for some inexplicable reason. Just because the awards are decided by only 93 bribe-happy drunks. Just because the awards were banned from network broadcast for 7 years because they are so crooked. Just because Pia Zadora’s husband bought her a Best Newcomer award. Just because Sony was able to buy a nomination for the putrid The Tourist just last year.
But, here at P.C.H.A., we obviously have no standards, so let’s break down the winners.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS, Television Has AIDS
While New Orleans’ loss to San Francisco was certainly exciting, and the humiliation of the Green Bay Packers was satisfying to any right-thinking American, it leaves us with a much less compelling Championship Game weekend. While “any given sunday”, blah, blah, blah, the odds of us watching the Patriots march to another crown now seems fairly likely.
But, what is the best-case scenario for a compelling Super Bowl? And what would Peter King have to say about it? Let’s take a look.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS
Well, here comes the 2012 Republican primary battle… and there it goes. Not since the season finale of The Killing has so much buildup come to so much nothing.
It’s not like we didn’t see this coming. No matter how many entertaining candidates-for-their-own-CNN-show were trotted out, it wasn’t like they were actually going to be President. Since Herbert Hoover became President in 1929 (he’d never been elected to anything, serving as Secretary of Commerce), every Presidential nominee (except sacrificial lamb Wendell Willkie in 1940) has been 1.) a Governor, 2.) a Senator, 3.) a Vice-President, or 4.) a WWII-winning General. That’s it.
Heading into the Republican primary season, the frontrunner was 2008 runner-up Mitt Romney, who followed the John Edwards game plan of turning one term in office and good hair into a permanent campaign. There were three little-known, boring-as-hell former Governors lurking… Jon Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty, and Gary Johnson. With Ron Paul, there was no room for Johnson’s libertarianism; with Romney, there was no room for Huntsman’s Mormon businessman schtick; and Pawlenty let himself get bullied out by fellow Minnesotan Michelle Bachmann, a decision that should drive him to drink daily at this point. The only former Senator in the race, Rick Santorum, 1.) was beaten by 17 points in his last race, 2.) is batshit crazy, and 3.) is literally a synonym for ass juice.
That left three-plus-term Texas governor Rick Perry as the only chance for an interesting race. He had electoral success in a big state, distinct ideological differences from Romney, and a huge pile of money. His biggest problem was that he seemed too much, biographically, ideologically and smirking-wise, like George W. Bush. Perry decided to differentiate himself by proving himself to be dumber and crazier. Somehow, this didn’t resonate with voters.
The primary battle this most resembles is the Democrats in 1992, when the only “President on the stage” was Bill Clinton. The rest of the field was boring/crazy (Paul Tsongas/Jerry Brown), but there was a general sense of unease among Democratic voters about sending Clinton against the incumbent George H. W. Bush. Obviously, though, Clinton’s issues (womanizing, draft dodging) were slightly more exciting than Romney’s (flip-flopping, downsizing). At least Willard could sexually harass somebody for all of our sake.
So where does this snoozefest rank all-time?
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS
For most sports fans, the games themselves are just a jumping-off point. Sure, there’s the excitement of a Hail Mary or a well-developed attack, but there’s also lots and lots of (often impotent) build-up.
The thing that keeps us engaged over the long-term are the conversations, the arguments, the discussions, that often only use sports as a jumping-off point. Like an emotionally-stunted alcoholic’s book club, an in-depth conversation about sports is often only surfacely about the events themselves.
As such, there’s a large amount of overlap between sports fanaticism, and the arts and politics… novelists obsessed with baseball, presidents attached to basketball teams, Ashton Kutcher standing on football sidelines… the examples are legion.
So, who would be the most interesting people to have in-depth conversations with about the major pro sports? I’m talking about the best conversations, not the conversations that would most blow you away. Obviously, I would love to sit down and watch a basketball game with Michael Jordan. But that would be a simpering fawnfest, not an interesting conversation. So, while athletic experience is nice, it doesn’t really get you many points, unless you’re interesting/intelligent about other subjects as well.
Here’s the current rankings (in order of my like of/knowledge about the sports):
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS
One of the most annoying comments we hear at P.C.H.A. is, “I just don’t listen to new music anymore.” It’s right up there with “Whitney Cummings may fall just short of being a comic genius,” or “Wanting to make out with Ryan Gosling is kind of gay.”
Imagine how weird it would be for someone to say, “I just don’t watch new movies anymore.” But, for some reason, music seems to be a culturally acceptable thing to lose touch with as people move toward death. I know, I know, music is like good weed… it’s hard to keep the connection going once you get older. But just admit that you’ve lost touch… don’t make it worse by saying stupid things like “Music sucks now” (“Books suck now”), or “Nobody’s ever going to be better than The Beatles, anyway.” (“Nobody’s ever going to be better than Andy Griffith, anyway.”) Help is available.
That’s why, two years ago this month, two scrappy dreamers from the streets of Wicker Park decided to provide guidance to those who’ve lost their way. However, despite a stream of great music ever since, there are still people who are comfortable being ignorant about music in a way they never would be with, say, movies (unless, of course, they have children, in which case death has pretty much already arrived, and it’s better to just back slowly away).
So, as a public service, here’s a mix of the best songs of the P.C.H.A. Era, in case you want to get your head out of your ass and join society.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Music Has AIDS
Ahh, the Iowa caucuses. That magical time of year when white people get to choose which brand of hate they prefer. A time when the Republican field narrows down to just the bare essentials. A time when 120,000 Middle Americans matter more than at any time except when KFC is test marketing their latest atrocity.
As the 2012 Republican primary race moves on, it’s also time to take stock of the remaining field. Often, we can get caught up too much in the visuals… Gingrich’s snarl, Perry’s smirk, Paul’s crazy eyes, Santorum’s haircut, Romney’s plastic smile, Huntsman’s … wait, what does Huntsman look like again? With six major candidates left, let’s see how well you know them.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS
Chicago is a sports town… a cursed, pathetic sports town. Other towns may have it worse (I’m looking at you, Cleveland), but none of them are four-team towns. That isn’t to say we haven’t had rays of light… the Bears and Bulls both have solid legacies, and the Blackhawks and the White Sox (ugh) have recent championships. But, for a town that so dearly loves its teams, Chicago normally gets very little in return.
In all the bad years of Chicago sports fandom, though, it’s hard to believe that there’s been a worse one than 2011, a constant, (nearly) unrelenting parade of painful buggering. Let’s put on the rubber gloves and wade back in.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS
The beginning of 2012 will bring two of our favorite seasons here at P.C.H.A.: Election Season & Oscar Season. They have many similarities: the candidates are usually douchebags; the media takes every twist and turn way too seriously; spending money often equals getting votes. But, the most important rule in both campaigns is: you only need to beat the opponents you’re running against.
In searching for both Presidents and Best Picture winners, we often mistakenly search for perfection. But just as Obama only has to be good enough to beat the 2012 Republican field of fucktards, so does a Best Picture winner only have to beat its competition. Just because a weak movie wins or a strong movie loses doesn’t mean that a horrible decision has been made. Oliver!, Out Of Africa, and Slumdog Millionaire should be near the bottom of any ranking of Best Picture winners, but looking at their competition (Funny Girl, The Color Purple, and Frost/Nixon) makes it hard to claim the choice was outrageous. On the other hand, Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown, and There Will Be Blood all seem like no-brainer Best Pictures, but a glimpse at the films they lost to (All About Eve, The Godfather Part II, and No Country For Old Men) shows that no robbery took place. Sometimes you get Kennedy/Nixon and sometimes you get Bush/Kerry.
That’s not to say, however, that the Motion Picture Academy isn’t capable of some truly short-sighted decisions. Here are the ten worst cases of Best Picture robbery:
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS
We’ve already told you what to think about music and television… now we finish the Big Three with the Year in Film. We’ll break down 2011′s Best old-school Siskel & Ebert style (let’s just say there are some physical similarities… we’ll let you guess who has the brain tumor and who has the reconstructed face). Will David Simon Cowell’s obsession with Ryan Gosling win out? Will The Dilemma’s with all things Westerny? Or will an extraordinary horse ride away with both our hearts?
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Believe it or not, we here at Pop Culture Has Aids are slightly lazy, and we also like to take pleasure in others’ misfortune. And with a year full of plenty of potential pop culture disasters a-comin’, our noses are quivering with the scent of easy articles. So, in addition to frilly man-thongs and bottles of Malort, here’s what I’d like Santa to leave under my tree tomorrow.
Say what you will about George Bush Sr. (non-charismatic, bad orator, demon seed), but he’s a man who’s always supported the Republican Establishment. So, his endorsement of Mitt Romney yesterday is not a big surprise.
However, the form that the endorsement took should give some pause to scheduling any further public events for the 87-year-old.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS
Now that you’ve digested and agreed with all of our 2011 music picks, it’s time to move on to television. Best comedies. Best dramas. Best fucking shows. Will The Dilemma realize that his self-proclaimed Golden Age of Television has passed? Will David Simon Cowell admit that he watches The X Factor, and still hasn’t gotten over Astro’s elimination? Join us after the jump.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Television Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Why wait a whole year for the inevitable?
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS
She may be 40, and it may have been 12 years since she had a significant role in a decent film (Girl, Interrupted), and her last classic role may have been in Reality Bites in 1994, but here at P.C.H.A., our love for Winona Ryder never wanes. Here are the five best songs that her feminine wiles have inspired.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Film Has AIDS, Music Has AIDS
I see what you’re doing, Dilemma. Your Rudolph post from last year has inexplicably been responsible for over 20% of our all-time hits (screw you, I’m not linking to it). So, you think that you can run up the score in a Belichikian way, by finding every obscure Christmas special you can in order to finally send me ’round the bend.
But, two can play at that game, you godless Israelite!
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Television Has AIDS
I like Community… I think it’s the most original and one of the funniest shows on television. I’m bummed that it’s going on hiatus, and I hope it comes back. But to even type those lines, I need to use a pseudonym, because I wouldn’t want anybody to group me in with Community fans.
The post-hiatus online response has pretty much followed the same dynamic that was at work when Arrested Development was cancelled (a show that I liked, and only hated because I have enough hipster doofus friends that I was screamed at drunkenly multiple times that IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVER in response to saying that I liked it). It isn’t just that a television show that you liked was cancelled, it’s that it was cancelled because the networks are stupid, and the American viewers are stupid, and that the rest of the world isn’t as smart as you. In both cases, the fans secretly loved the turmoil, because it proved that they were delicate flowers, out of step with the corrupt world at large. Because they watch a certain TV show.
Now, on some level, I understand… I liked both these shows, but I LOVED Freaks and Geeks. I felt the same sense of frustration and superiority when it was cancelled. But, I didn’t get upset enough over a TV show to try to “bring it back”… even then, there was plenty of other stuff to watch for free. And even though it’s easier now with Twitter and Facebook and whatever, I still don’t think I would have. But that doesn’t mean that Community fans didn’t take their angst to the Comment section after Entertainment Weekly’s most recent Episode Recap (admittedly chosen because it must contain a stupider strain of Community fans than most sites):
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Television Has AIDS
All sports fans are essentially selfish bastards, and I’m no exception. Our “love” for a player usually only extends as far as their ability and production will allow. If they’re performing well, we’ll defend them to the hilt… once they start disappointing us, though, we’ll say more vile things about them than we ever would about a “real person”. Bringing us a championship or two is pretty much the only way to guarantee as much as a successful car dealership in the future.
But, after the initial shock of watching Matt Forte limp off the field Sunday after clutching his knee for a while, I found myself not focusing on the dissipation of the Bears playoff chances (I think Caleb Hanie and Marion Barber can beat the Seahawks and Vikings, which is pretty much all they need to do since their competition keeps losing… and their chance of making a run to the Super Bowl ended when Cutler broke his finger, anyway). I found myself feeling legitimately badly for a player.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS
It’s always been difficult to put together a great sitcom. As much as we like to romanticize the shows of our youth, I’m guessing it would take about half-an-episode of Night Court or Three’s Company before we’d be heading for the gin.
The past decade has seen its share of classics, from the hipster catnip of Arrested Development to the comedy of manners of Curb Your Enthusiasm… it would be hard to argue that the form has either waned or waxed, from a general quality standpoint. But there’s a specter that’s hanging over too many sitcoms on the air right now, a goofy, floppity ghost that haunts the back of even the best showrunners’ brains.
Filed under David Simon Cowell, Television Has AIDS
David Simon Cowell
The Dilemma