The Dilemma Vs. The Top 40 III: Rise of the Machines

All important works of art come in trilogies. That’s an undisputed fact. Ali and Frazier fought three times. Tolkien wrote three Lord of the Rings books. David Bowie recorded three Berlin albums with Brian Eno. They made three Mighty Ducks movies.

And now I’m back to take on Billboard’s Top 40 pop songs for a third time.

I won’t lie: last year’s epic battle left me thoroughly bludgeoned. I think the Top 40 beat me. And two years of doing this has left me an empty shell of a man. I hear phantom AutoTuning and bland country music when I’m lying awake at night in a silent house. I feat that LMFAO or Blake Shelton are going to jump me in dark alleys and make me listen to their songs. But like all true heroes and champions — like Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong — I’m making a comeback. I’m going to win this year. This is my time. The third act will be my hour of glory.

I’ve spent some time in the wilderness, gathering strength. I’m even less up-to-date on popular music than I was at this time a year ago. But I am fucking ready.

A reminder of the rules: For the third consecutive year, I will listen to all of Billboard’s Top 40 pop songs consecutively in one excruciating sitting, counting down from 40 to 1. I have not looked ahead at the countdown. I have no prior knowledge of what awaits me in the hours to come. I will simply start at #40, press play, then scroll up. I suffer for you.

Inside the Hearts and Minds of Team Breezy

chris brown raisin balls

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The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) May 21, 2012

Yeah, Iron Sheik, I would probably agree that Chris Brown has raisin balls. It would explain a lot.

Chris brown win grammy for best beat the fuck out of his girlfriend and she dumb bitch to a come back to him

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The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 13, 2012

Definitely opposed to violence against women, Sheik. I’m with you. But we’re getting into a bit of a tricky area when we start calling Rihanna a dumb bitch for potentially going back to her woman-beating ex-boyfriend. While I would be disappointed in Rihanna for doing such a thing — which we have no evidence ever occurred — there’s no need to get pejorative toward her.

Team breezy bigger clown than the jabroni doink. Chris brown need the binoculars to see his balls

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The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 21, 2012

Sounds about right.

chris brown team breezy new name is team dead midget goat dick and the raisin balls #teamsheikies

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The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 22, 2012

Totally on board with that name.

Chris brown deserve to die worse than bin laden

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The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 13, 2012

Now I think you may be getting carried away.

Thank you, Iron Sheik, for setting the tone for this post. Like the Sheik, I think Chris Brown is a vile, worthless piece of human garbage.

I am, however, fascinated by the marvel that is Team Breezy — a global assemblage of Chris Brown fanatics and apologists who take to Twitter and the Internet to defend their misunderstood hero against all comers.

Team Breezy, made up largely of young women, simply does not care that Chris Brown punches, kicks, bites, and claws at women. Why? Because he’s hot. And has a pretty voice (ed. that’s debatable).

Mike Vick and Chris Brown Have a Persecution-Off

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the marquee pop culture event of the year: Mike Vick and Chris Brown’s 2011 Persecution-Off. The two challengers will compete to see which of them is the most unfairly persecuted: the winner receives eternal absolution and one week in Las Vegas “off the grid.”

Mike Vick, you ready?

“You know it!”

Chris Brown, you ready?

“Ready, willing and able!”

Then gentlemen, let the Persecution-Off begin!