Graduation Rates and Proof of College Basketball’s Racism (Plus A Small Apology to Roy Williams)

At best, my feeling toward college basketball is apathy… this stems from it being a horrible on-the-court product that people inexplicably rave about (OK, it’s because it’s filled with “scrappy” (i.e. white) players vs. the “lazy” (i.e. black) players of the NBA). At worst, my feeling is hostility… this stems from the hypocritical cesspool that is college sports. Trying to explain the college sports system to non-Americans exposes how stupid the whole thing is… the players are students, but not really; the teams are representative of the school, but not really; it’s a minor-league for sports, but the players don’t get paid; etc., etc.

And that’s without even trying to explain what horrible scumbags college basketball coaches are. This collection of overpaid men who make their money on the back of unpaid players who normally don’t even get their promised education in return features some of the worst people in sports.

Which is why this year’s Final Four will be held up by college basketball apologists as proof that the system works, both on- and off-the-floor. The success of 8-seed Butler and 11-seed VCU will validate the “anything can happen” advertising slogan, rather than illustrate how college basketball is a crappy product whose real stars jump to the NBA after one year. And, since two non-traditional powers have made runs, the graduation rates for the Final Four will be better than normal.

Every year, the University of Central Florida does a study of the graduation rates of teams that make March Madness, and as usual, the results are illuminating and depressing.

The 9 Biggest Douchebag Coaches in NCAA Basketball

They can’t all be Coach Taylor.

In fact, the coaching profession lends itself douchebaggery, assholishness, personal corruption and general malevolence. Think about the men we consider paragons of the profession: Bobby Knight, John Wooden, Adolph Rupp. These are our heroes?

Jim Nantz, Billy Packer, Dick Vitale and a million mediocre sportswriters love to wax rhapsodic about college coaches as educators, molders of young men and architects of character. And sure, there are probably a handful who aspire to be just that. But the vast majority are power-mad, career-driven pricks, probably frustrated by their own lack of athletic ability (or lack of a worthy pro career after excelling in college). They yell and they stomp and they ban cellphones from practice, and they speak at press conferences about “the effort not being there.”

There are, by and large, awful people.

With March Madness upon us, let’s count down the worst of this gang of villains, the least honorable among thieves. Without further ado, Pop Culture Has AIDS presents the nine biggest douchebag coaches in NCAA basketball. (In honor of the tournament, we considered doing this bracket style, but we’re too lazy.) Now who’s ready for some cheap shots, superficial insults and baseless accusations?!

More Embarrassing Than The Cubs?

The seeds of P.C.H.A. were sown on the verdant pastures of Northwestern University, where I first gazed into the alluring eyes of The Dilemma and knew it was meant to be. Now, neither of us are the most fanatical sports alumni in the country by any stretch, but we undoubtedly bleed purple and white.

Unfortunately, it is usually from our eyes where the basketball team is concerned. It’s not like Northwestern fans ask for much… the football team won three Big Ten championships between ’95 and ’00, and has lost eight bowl games since ’96… that should hold us for a few decades at least. The basketball team can’t even give us anywhere near that much.

The NCAA began its basketball tournament in 1939… only five teams have been in Division 1 that long and never made March Madness. One I’ve never heard of: St. Francis (NY). One I’ve only heard of in the context of sexual harassment: The Citadel. One I’ve heard of but am surprised that they have a basketball team: William & Mary. One should be slightly embarrassed, because they’ve had Bob Knight and Coach K as head coaches: Army. And only one plays in one of the Big Six major conferences: the Northwestern Wildcats.

To put that in some perspective… there have been 64 teams in the tourney for the past 26 years (fuck the play-in games), and 32 for the 10 years before that. Basically, the top half of the Big Six conferences make March Madness. That means that a Big Ten team only has to finish sixth or so in the conference to get a bid each year.

But Northwestern is such a good academic school, you whine? Let’s take a look at some schools ranked above us in the latest U.S. News rankings (we’re at 12). Princeton (2) – ’65 Final Four, ’98 Second Round. Stanford (5) – ’42 Champs, ’98 Final Four, ’01 Elite Eight, ’08 Sweet Sixteen. Penn (5) – ’79 Final Four, ’94 Second Round. Dartmouth (9) – ’42 & ’44 Runners-Up. Duke (9) – Four National Titles, Six Runners-Up, Five Other Final Fours.

The Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908, or a NL Pennant since 1945. Until 1969, only the two World Series teams made the post-season. From ’69 to ’94, two additional teams made it (the Cubs made the playoffs twice in this era); since ’94, eight total teams have made the playoffs (the Cubs have made it four times in this era). For most of their epic streak, they would have had to finish first or second in the National League to have a shot. Northwestern only has to finish in the top half of the Big Ten to break their horrible streak. And after losing to Ohio State today, it’s wait ’til next year yet again.

What a fucking embarrassment.

Counterpoint! In Defense of March Madness

The fact that I even have to write a post defending the NCAA basketball tournament should expose David Simon Cowell for the rabble-rousing contrarian that he is. (See DSC’s blasphemous original post here.)

There are two main arguments I want to address here (the third – that college basketball, as representative of big-time college athletics as a whole, is a sham designed to make money for TV executives, the NCAA and the NBA – isn’t really debatable).

First, the notion that the NBA is a superior product to the NCAA: Look, of course the NBA features superior talent to the NCAA, by the sports’ very nature. Just like the NFL has better players than college football does. Just like men’s tennis has better players than women’s tennis. But that doesn’t mean we can’t watch and enjoy college football or women’s tennis.

For decades, the genre of heavy metal has featured the most talented, most virtuosic musicians working in pop music. Metal has the best guitar players, the best bassists, the fastest and most technically impressive solos. Those musicians study classical forms, they pattern their songs and albums after symphonies, and they value musicianship in a way that pop bands in other genres simply don’t.

But the vast majority of us don’t listen to heavy metal. Why? The songwriting isn’t as compelling, and the genre itself is ill-suited for most people’s tastes. Are the members of the Beatles, R.E.M. and U2 amazing musicians? For the most part no, but those are all great bands.

It’s the same way with basketball. NBA players are the best in the world at what they do; they’re exponentially more skilled than their collegiate brethren. But the NBA game is dull, stilted, passionless. The product is far less than the sum of its parts.

Unlike March Madness, which is the single greatest playoff of any American sport, the NBA playoffs are a disaster. They last months – literally, and are plagued by momentum-killing off-days. Moreover, the best-of-seven format in the first round is absolutely brutal. Every year, we have to watch the .500 teams who fill out the Eastern Conference’s playoff seeds play at least 4 or 5 games.

The style of play in the NBA is numbing. I played fantasy basketball this year as an attempt to force myself to watch more NBA games. Well, I have, and I wish I hadn’t. Hey, look, it’s another isolation play for LeBron James or Paul Pierce. Awesome. NCAA players may play shitty defense, but NBA players play indifferent defense, and I’ll take unskilled passion over skilled ambivalence any day.

In any college game, not just during the tournament, I am always convinced that every player on the court is giving maximum effort (excluding teams coached by John Calipari), and cares deeply about winning the game. In the pros, that only happens in the playoffs – and even then not always. The reasons for the disparity in effort are many-fold, but it essentially comes down to money. There are a lot of guys who stop giving legitimate, consistent effort when they’ve already earned millions and know or think they’re set for the rest of their lives. In college, you’re either playing to get a pro contract (be it in the NBA, Greece, Italy, or whatever) or you’re playing because you love to play. Of course, certain NBA players care as much or more about winning than anyone in college, but they’re the exceptions.

OK, on to argument #2, which is that people like college basketball better than the NBA….because of race? Uh oh. Looks like someone’s been getting into his old cultural studies syllabi.

First of all, people root for upsets not because they want to see white people best black people, but because rooting for the underdog is simple human nature. We want to see David beat Goliath, to see Eddie the Eagle land his ski jump, to see N.C. State beat Houston.

And more to the point, what upset do people most desperately want to see every March? They want to see Duke lose. And what big-time college basketball program generally has the most white players? Duke.

One thing that DSC is right about: March Madness is a gimmick. It just happens to be the best gimmick that’s ever been invented in sports.

The World Series was a gimmick when it was first invented. So was the Super Bowl. Why should the winners of the American League and National League bother playing each other? And a best-of-seven format? Seems random. Basically every playoff format in every sport is a gimmick, or at least started as one. NCAA basketball just did a better job with theirs than anyone else. Yes, the one-and-done format means the best team doesn’t always win. Unlike the NFL, where a team that goes undefeated during the regular season will definitely romp through the playoffs unimpeded. And unlike MLB, where an 83-79 team could never dream of winning the World Series. Unlike the NBA, where – oh, I guess the best team usually does win the NBA playoffs. Coincidentally, the NBA playoffs are a snoozefest.

Yes, it’s true that if you played a ton of games over a few days (with playoff implications) in any sport, percentages dictate that there would be a bunch of good games. But other sports don’t do that. And that’s what makes the opening weekend of the NCAA tournament one of the best weekends in sports every year.

I know your heart is dark, DSC. But it’s OK to open it up once in a while and let a little sunlight in. It’s OK to enjoy something for what it is – especially when what it is happens to be the most exciting spectacle in all of sports (except for Wrestlemania).

An MRI of David Simon Cowell’s thoracic cavity