Todd Akin Knows Vaginas

By now you’ve heard that Missouri Senate Candidate — and noted obstetrician/gynecologist — Todd Akin said this over the weekend:

First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. Let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work, or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.

It’s the “or something” that really gives the whole statement an air of scientific authority, don’t you think?

Weirdly, Akin didn’t say anything about the male head having natural defenses to prevent one of the world’s worst combovers.

There’s obviously been an outcry about Akin’s comments, even if Missouri voters apparently don’t give a fuck. (Missourians — simply the best. If only Tony LaRussa would weigh in.) But I think that people are being unfair to Akin. His statement wasn’t exactly taken out of context, but if you read the full transcript, he goes into more detail and explains his position more clearly.

Arizona Continues to Bathe Itself in Glory

Guns, guns, guns! Arizona loves guns.

Just in time to host the All-Star Game, an Arizona state senator pointed a loaded gun at a reporter:

“Oh, it’s so cute,” Klein said, as she unzipped the loaded Ruger from its carrying case to show a reporter and photographer. She was sitting on a leather couch in a lounge, just outside the Senate chamber.

She showed off the laser sighting by pointing the red beam at the reporter’s chest. The gun has no safety, she said, but there was no need to worry.

“I just didn’t have my hand on the trigger,” she said.

The May Surprise: A One-Act Play

INT. NEWT GINGRICH’S DEN – NIGHT

NEWT GINGRICH, REINCE PRIEBUS, JOHN BOEHNER and RICK SANTORUM lounge around Gingrich’s den on plush leather couches, smoking cigars and sipping brandy from snifters. They’ve gathered for their weekly tradition of watching Undercover Boss, then retiring to various corners of Gingrich’s estate with their regular prostitutes. The four gentlemen react with consternation when CBS News cuts into Undercover Boss (it’s the season finale), and then watch in silence as reports of Osama bin Laden’s death filter in. They watch President Obama speak, and then turn and walk away from the podium like a fucking badass.

REINCE

Fuck.

JOHN

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

RICK

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

NEWT

MotherFUCKER.

They sit in silence and stare into their glasses for a while.