Welcome to Texas Rangers Demystification Day, in which we have a little fun with the franchise that’s getting the full sainthood treatment from writers and broadcasters. We hope you stick around!
I imagine what ginger ale tasted like to Jesus Christ. I imagine the cool, dry liquid passing over His holy lips.
Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Welcome to Texas Rangers Demystification Day, in which we have a little fun with the franchise that’s getting the full sainthood treatment from writers and broadcasters. We hope you stick around!
Oh, the fans. We all know that Cardinals fans are the best in baseball, because we’ve been told over and over and over and over and over again. So what to make of Rangers fans? They’re basically the nouveau riche of baseball: they weren’t around five years ago, they don’t really know what they’re doing, and they have an inexplicable sense of entitlement.
Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Welcome to Texas Rangers Demystification Day, in which we have a little fun with the franchise that’s getting the full sainthood treatment from writers and broadcasters. We hope you stick around!
Derek Holland is the worst.
Awesome. What a crackerjack sense of humor on that one. The world definitely needs more Will Ferrell-impersonating-Harry-Caray impersonations. It’s a gaping hole in our cultural fabric. Also, more ironic mustaches.
Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Welcome to Texas Rangers Demystification Day, in which we have a little fun with the franchise that’s getting the full sainthood treatment from writers and broadcasters. We hope you stick around!
Oh my heavens! It’s Nolan Ryan! He could throw the ball 150 miles per hour! He only eats raw meat! He’s a hometown boy and now he owns the team! He’s the face of the franchise!
Gross.
Seriously, just look at this redneck douchebag:
That’s one of the saddest photographs I’ve ever seen. Posing for a picture with some idiot fan, reliving one of the saddest moments of glory anyone will ever have. “Hey, remember that time you threw at a guy’s head like a thug and then gave him a noogie? SO AWESOME! Can we pose like that for a quick pic? Here, if I put my hand right here it will hide your ample old-man belly.”
Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma
Welcome to Texas Rangers Demystification Day, in which we have a little fun with the franchise that’s getting the full sainthood treatment from writers and broadcasters. We hope you stick around!
Uh oh. We’re starting with Michael Young?! But he’s so…perfect! He’s so…Jeterian! He’s so…white!
Young purportedly represents all that is good about the Rangers’ recent run of success: he works hard, he gets lots of hits, he plays all over the field, and he’s super unselfish. Pretty sure he does some light work with lepers in the off-season. And he throws those claws and antlers with aplomb!
And the dude loves his team so much. He just wants to win. For his teammates. And for his fans.
Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma
You guys, I’m a little concerned.
The Texas Rangers have won two straight American League pennants, they came within a strike of winning their first World Series, they have a famous owner and a lucrative new television contract. Great! Great for them! For reals. It’s nice to have a new lasting power in baseball, and GM Jon Daniels clearly knows what he’s doing. In recent years, the team has made savvy trades (Mark Teixeira), smart free agent decisions (signing Adrian Beltre; letting C.J. Wilson go), and wise choices when locking up homegrown players to long-term deals (Ian Kinsler).
Buuuuutttttt…….
I think people are getting a little carried away. The sports media has instantly begun treating the Rangers as though they are God’s Perfect Franchise (which many Texans no doubt believe to be true). The team’s hot start this season has exacerbated the issue — suddenly, the Rangers are special. They’re not just another team anymore. They’ve entered that zone that previously belonged to the 1996-2001 Yankees, the 2004-2007 Red Sox, and Tony LaRussa’s entire career, all without even winning a championship. The mythmakers are hard at work building monuments and writing odes to the mighty and powerful Rangers.
Well, here at Pop Culture Has AIDS, you could say we specialize in tearing down what others hold sacred. Mostly for our own amusement, but also to show the hypocrisy and stupidity of our current cultural guardians: in this case, the sports media. So let’s pull back the curtains on the Rangers, and unshroud the sacred figures that ESPN et al. would have us believe are one of the great teams in our history. Check back throughout the day!
Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma
David Simon Cowell
The Dilemma