Tag Archives: The 2012 Republican Field of Fucktards

Another Level Of Republican Douchbaggery

Remember those halcyon days of 2008, when the entire country, Republicans and Democrats alike, pulled together in hopeful anticipation of the change that Barack Obama promised, putting aside narrow partisan concerns in order to make America the country we all hope it can be?

No? Of course you don’t… unless you’re a member of the most cynical group of politicians this country has ever seen (and that’s saying A LOT).

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The Vice Presidential Nomination Curse

Now that the foregone conclusion of Mitt Romney’s nomination has become all-but-official, the next obsessive focus of pointless media speculation will be Romney’s Vice Presidential choice. Yesterday, Romney named the head of his search committee, which means weeks of breathless rumors are sure to follow. Already, everybody from jolly ol’ Chris Christie to picante Marco Rubio have denied interest, but conventional wisdom holds that they’re just being coy, because the Vice Presidential nomination is a low-risk way to raise your national profile, setting you up for greater things down the line win-or-lose.

As usual, the conventional wisdom is wrong.

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Dogmento: A Day in the Life of Mitt Romney’s Dog

Mitt Romney strapped his dog to the roof of his car and drove to Canada while the dog “defecated in fear.” Never forget. I feel like people are forgetting.

Never forget.

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Foster Friess Gives Birth Control Advice

We all know that the Rick Santorum campaign is the most entertaining crazy train running these days. The combination of Santorum’s legitimate insanity, his inability to connect in an any with with normal human beings, and the Evangelists’ desperation to latch onto anything not from Massachusetts is a gift that rewards us daily.

The latest song-and-dance? Billionaire Santorum donor Foster Friess gave his own unique take on the contraception issue to MSNBC:

And this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s [so] inexpensive. Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Holy shit, is Jerry Jones now involved with the Santorum campaign? Regardless, Friess stopped by the PCHA office complex earlier today to give some more advice to ladiez who might not be wanting to procreate at the present time.

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Breaking Down CPAC

As the 2012 Republican nominating season gets slightly more interesting, although headed toward the same inevitable result, a few things are certain. Nobody actually likes Mitt Romney. Even voters in Maine aren’t crazy enough to give a primary to Ron Paul (and having experienced some of the freakshows who live there first-hand, that’s saying something). A decent number of god-fearing, upstanding, Midwestern voters think the Presidential portrait gallery should go from Washington to Ass Juice. And Gingrich is going to be a dick even if it serves no productive purpose.

But, even if the mechanics leave something to be desired, the 2012 Republican Party always brings enough crazy to be entertaining. Yesterday’s New York Times (or, as it’s known by some, the propaganda arm of the Secular Islamist Socialist Anarchists (SISA)) chronicled the last day of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). An annual meeting of the committed conservative base, it’s basically the caucus of Crazy Town. As usual, it didn’t disappoint.

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The Biggest Problem With Romney’s Taxes

On Tuesday, Mitt Romney finally gave into the heat from Newt Gingrich and released his most recent tax returns (from 2010).

Unsurprisingly for somebody who made his bones in the shady world of private equity, Mitt’s returns showed a whole lot of pay ($23 million) and not a lot of payback (14%). Obviously, the ridiculous tax rate (and income for an unemployed guy) has caused much comment. And, given that Mitt was part of the lobbying effort to keep capital gains taxes so low, his “I just pay what they tell me” stance is especially obscene.

But, what should really worry Republicans isn’t Romney’s exploitation of our soak-the-poor tax structure… it’s that he didn’t see this coming.

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Most Boring Primary Season Ever?

Well, here comes the 2012 Republican primary battle… and there it goes. Not since the season finale of The Killing has so much buildup come to so much nothing.

It’s not like we didn’t see this coming. No matter how many entertaining candidates-for-their-own-CNN-show were trotted out, it wasn’t like they were actually going to be President. Since Herbert Hoover became President in 1929 (he’d never been elected to anything, serving as Secretary of Commerce), every Presidential nominee (except sacrificial lamb Wendell Willkie in 1940) has been 1.) a Governor, 2.) a Senator, 3.) a Vice-President, or 4.) a WWII-winning General. That’s it.

Heading into the Republican primary season, the frontrunner was 2008 runner-up Mitt Romney, who followed the John Edwards game plan of turning one term in office and good hair into a permanent campaign. There were three little-known, boring-as-hell former Governors lurking… Jon Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty, and Gary Johnson. With Ron Paul, there was no room for Johnson’s libertarianism; with Romney, there was no room for Huntsman’s Mormon businessman schtick; and Pawlenty let himself get bullied out by fellow Minnesotan Michelle Bachmann, a decision that should drive him to drink daily at this point. The only former Senator in the race, Rick Santorum, 1.) was beaten by 17 points in his last race, 2.) is batshit crazy, and 3.) is literally a synonym for ass juice.

That left three-plus-term Texas governor Rick Perry as the only chance for an interesting race. He had electoral success in a big state, distinct ideological differences from Romney, and a huge pile of money. His biggest problem was that he seemed too much, biographically, ideologically and smirking-wise, like George W. Bush. Perry decided to differentiate himself by proving himself to be dumber and crazier. Somehow, this didn’t resonate with voters.

The primary battle this most resembles is the Democrats in 1992, when the only “President on the stage” was Bill Clinton. The rest of the field was boring/crazy (Paul Tsongas/Jerry Brown), but there was a general sense of unease among Democratic voters about sending Clinton against the incumbent George H. W. Bush. Obviously, though, Clinton’s issues (womanizing, draft dodging) were slightly more exciting than Romney’s (flip-flopping, downsizing). At least Willard could sexually harass somebody for all of our sake.

So where does this snoozefest rank all-time?

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