Tag Archives: The 2012 Republican Field of Fucktards

Another Level Of Republican Douchbaggery

Remember those halcyon days of 2008, when the entire country, Republicans and Democrats alike, pulled together in hopeful anticipation of the change that Barack Obama promised, putting aside narrow partisan concerns in order to make America the country we all hope it can be?

No? Of course you don’t… unless you’re a member of the most cynical group of politicians this country has ever seen (and that’s saying A LOT).

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The Vice Presidential Nomination Curse

Now that the foregone conclusion of Mitt Romney’s nomination has become all-but-official, the next obsessive focus of pointless media speculation will be Romney’s Vice Presidential choice. Yesterday, Romney named the head of his search committee, which means weeks of breathless rumors are sure to follow. Already, everybody from jolly ol’ Chris Christie to picante Marco Rubio have denied interest, but conventional wisdom holds that they’re just being coy, because the Vice Presidential nomination is a low-risk way to raise your national profile, setting you up for greater things down the line win-or-lose.

As usual, the conventional wisdom is wrong.

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Dogmento: A Day in the Life of Mitt Romney’s Dog

Mitt Romney strapped his dog to the roof of his car and drove to Canada while the dog “defecated in fear.” Never forget. I feel like people are forgetting.

Never forget.

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Foster Friess Gives Birth Control Advice

We all know that the Rick Santorum campaign is the most entertaining crazy train running these days. The combination of Santorum’s legitimate insanity, his inability to connect in an any with with normal human beings, and the Evangelists’ desperation to latch onto anything not from Massachusetts is a gift that rewards us daily.

The latest song-and-dance? Billionaire Santorum donor Foster Friess gave his own unique take on the contraception issue to MSNBC:

And this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s [so] inexpensive. Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Holy shit, is Jerry Jones now involved with the Santorum campaign? Regardless, Friess stopped by the PCHA office complex earlier today to give some more advice to ladiez who might not be wanting to procreate at the present time.

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Breaking Down CPAC

As the 2012 Republican nominating season gets slightly more interesting, although headed toward the same inevitable result, a few things are certain. Nobody actually likes Mitt Romney. Even voters in Maine aren’t crazy enough to give a primary to Ron Paul (and having experienced some of the freakshows who live there first-hand, that’s saying something). A decent number of god-fearing, upstanding, Midwestern voters think the Presidential portrait gallery should go from Washington to Ass Juice. And Gingrich is going to be a dick even if it serves no productive purpose.

But, even if the mechanics leave something to be desired, the 2012 Republican Party always brings enough crazy to be entertaining. Yesterday’s New York Times (or, as it’s known by some, the propaganda arm of the Secular Islamist Socialist Anarchists (SISA)) chronicled the last day of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). An annual meeting of the committed conservative base, it’s basically the caucus of Crazy Town. As usual, it didn’t disappoint.

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The Biggest Problem With Romney’s Taxes

On Tuesday, Mitt Romney finally gave into the heat from Newt Gingrich and released his most recent tax returns (from 2010).

Unsurprisingly for somebody who made his bones in the shady world of private equity, Mitt’s returns showed a whole lot of pay ($23 million) and not a lot of payback (14%). Obviously, the ridiculous tax rate (and income for an unemployed guy) has caused much comment. And, given that Mitt was part of the lobbying effort to keep capital gains taxes so low, his “I just pay what they tell me” stance is especially obscene.

But, what should really worry Republicans isn’t Romney’s exploitation of our soak-the-poor tax structure… it’s that he didn’t see this coming.

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Most Boring Primary Season Ever?

Well, here comes the 2012 Republican primary battle… and there it goes. Not since the season finale of The Killing has so much buildup come to so much nothing.

It’s not like we didn’t see this coming. No matter how many entertaining candidates-for-their-own-CNN-show were trotted out, it wasn’t like they were actually going to be President. Since Herbert Hoover became President in 1929 (he’d never been elected to anything, serving as Secretary of Commerce), every Presidential nominee (except sacrificial lamb Wendell Willkie in 1940) has been 1.) a Governor, 2.) a Senator, 3.) a Vice-President, or 4.) a WWII-winning General. That’s it.

Heading into the Republican primary season, the frontrunner was 2008 runner-up Mitt Romney, who followed the John Edwards game plan of turning one term in office and good hair into a permanent campaign. There were three little-known, boring-as-hell former Governors lurking… Jon Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty, and Gary Johnson. With Ron Paul, there was no room for Johnson’s libertarianism; with Romney, there was no room for Huntsman’s Mormon businessman schtick; and Pawlenty let himself get bullied out by fellow Minnesotan Michelle Bachmann, a decision that should drive him to drink daily at this point. The only former Senator in the race, Rick Santorum, 1.) was beaten by 17 points in his last race, 2.) is batshit crazy, and 3.) is literally a synonym for ass juice.

That left three-plus-term Texas governor Rick Perry as the only chance for an interesting race. He had electoral success in a big state, distinct ideological differences from Romney, and a huge pile of money. His biggest problem was that he seemed too much, biographically, ideologically and smirking-wise, like George W. Bush. Perry decided to differentiate himself by proving himself to be dumber and crazier. Somehow, this didn’t resonate with voters.

The primary battle this most resembles is the Democrats in 1992, when the only “President on the stage” was Bill Clinton. The rest of the field was boring/crazy (Paul Tsongas/Jerry Brown), but there was a general sense of unease among Democratic voters about sending Clinton against the incumbent George H. W. Bush. Obviously, though, Clinton’s issues (womanizing, draft dodging) were slightly more exciting than Romney’s (flip-flopping, downsizing). At least Willard could sexually harass somebody for all of our sake.

So where does this snoozefest rank all-time?

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The 2012 Republican Candidates Quote Quiz

Ahh, the Iowa caucuses. That magical time of year when white people get to choose which brand of hate they prefer. A time when the Republican field narrows down to just the bare essentials. A time when 120,000 Middle Americans matter more than at any time except when KFC is test marketing their latest atrocity.

As the 2012 Republican primary race moves on, it’s also time to take stock of the remaining field. Often, we can get caught up too much in the visuals… Gingrich’s snarl, Perry’s smirk, Paul’s crazy eyes, Santorum’s haircut, Romney’s plastic smile, Huntsman’s … wait, what does Huntsman look like again? With six major candidates left, let’s see how well you know them.

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The Button-Down Mind Of Rick Perry

Last week, Rick Perry showed that he’s got more than a killer Dubya impersonation… he’s got a full-fledged comedy mind. I’ll let CBS News explain:

At the same time Perry is making a serious economic proposal to help overcome his lackluster debate performances and evaporating poll numbers, he is playing with the birther card. In an interview with Parade magazine, Perry said he cannot know for certain whether Mr. Obama was born in the U.S.

“I don’t have a definitive answer, because he’s never seen my birth certificate,” Perry said. What his birth certificate has to do with the subject isn’t clear.

In an interview Tuesday with CNBC’s John Harwood, Perry told him that he is having fun with the Obama birther controversy.

“It’s a good issue to keep alive. You know, Donald [Trump] has got to have some fun. It’s fun to poke him a little bit and say “Hey, let’s see your grades and your birth certificate.” I don’t have a clue about where the president — and what this birth certificate says. But it’s also a great distraction. I’m not distracted by it,” Perry said.

Oh, that Ricky. You see, he wasn’t trying to nod to the crazies in the Republican Party while also claiming he is perfectly sane to the rest of us. He was just having a good ol’ fashioned Grand-Ole-Opry-style goof.

As much as I love Obama, he can be a bit of a downer at times, what with his policy proposals and attempts to find consensus. Maybe what the U.S. really needs from its President is a belly laugh.

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The P.C.H.A. Fall Preview: Politics

On Friday night, we will once again mark the autumnal equinox, officially kicking off the most beautiful season in much of the United States (and the first day of Spring for those of us in the Southern Hemisphere).

Not only does Fall mean changing leaves and a crispness in the air, but it is high tide for Pop Culture. The new season begins on television; prestige movies fill the theaters; the King of American sports eclipses events that would rule any other time of the year; the 2012 election moves into a matter of months; bands try to cash in on the iTunes gift certificate redemption season. Three months of Fall normally hold more goodies than the other three seasons combined.

So this week, we’ll examine the menu and whet our appetite for what’s to come.

Depending on one’s tolerance for posturing and bullshit, we’re heading into either a magical or horrific time in the political cycle. At the New Year, Iowa and New Hampshire are only about a month away. While it would be hard to recreate the Obama/Clinton classic of four years ago (with the added spice of saucy John Edwards), any battle featuring Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul, Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich will undoubtedly bring much laughter (with the added sedative of the boring-off between Romney and Huntsman).

But, as usual when superstars are involved, this all really comes down to the headliner. It’s still Obama’s to win or lose… which way it goes is mostly up to him. While there will undoubtedly be ups and downs in 2012, three questions from this fall will set it all up.

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Texas Forever

Good news, everyone! Texas Governor Rick Perry is considering running for president. Watch your back, Pawlenty.

I’ve often wondered, “If only America could be more like Texas….” while staring off into the middle distance and caressing my Winchester Repeater. Now maybe we’ll all get to find out together!

Rick Perry’s Greatest Hits:

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The Bitchiest Couple Ever

Watching the 2012 Republican field try to find somebody, anybody, to pose a credible threat to Barack Obama has moved past funny to somewhat sad. That Mitt Romney looks like the likeliest nominee shows that it’s time to put some serious money down in Vegas. A former governor who makes Al Gore look charismatic, who belongs to a religion evangelicals consider a cult, whose biggest legislative accomplishment is the health care system Obamacare is based upon… that’s your frontrunner. But when your other options include Newt Gingrich, Michelle Bachman and Tim Pawlenty, you take what you can get.

Romney still holds his frontrunner status today thanks to the latest Republican to bow out of the race… Mitch Daniels.

Mitch Daniels was the Great White Hope (is there another hope for the Republicans?) to save the G.O.P. from the drubbing it has coming. Sure, he was the Director of the Office of Management and Budget during the seeds of our financial apocolypse (’01 to ’03), but he seems nice enough… he’s from fucking Indiana for fuck’s sake. Who cares if Obama towers over him like his little brother?

However, Daniels begged out this weekend in an e-mail to his supporters:

The counsel and encouragement I received from important citizens like you caused me to think very deeply about becoming a national candidate. In the end, I was able to resolve every competing consideration but one, but that, the interests and wishes of my family, is the most important consideration of all. If I have disappointed you, I will always be sorry.

Ouch. Now I know that a Presidential run effects the entire family, and prudence holds that they should be consulted. And, from time to time, their concerns understandably scuttle a bid. But that’s the kind of shit that should stay in the living room, Mr. Daniels. Why call out your family publicly for crushing your dreams?

Maybe he’s a little bitter. From Politico:

Daniels’s wife, Cheri, was widely known to be concerned about the impact a campaign would have on their lives, which have followed an unusual path. Cheri Daniels left her husband and their four young daughters in 1993, married a former sweetheart in California, then returned and remarried Daniels – a set of circumstances that the pair would be unable to avoid talking about in the crucible of a campaign.

Y tu, Mrs. Daniels. I know that it’s impossible to judge a marriage’s circumstances from the outside, but I believe one of the hard and fast rules is if you leave your husband with four daughters and marry another dude, only to have him forgive you and take you back, you don’t get to put your foot down about shit, especially running for fucking President. She must have that magna cum laude pussy, as Gus from Basic Instinct would say.

It’s too bad these madcap kids couldn’t come together… they would have made the race more fun. Thank god Rudy’s back.

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Memo To Birthers: Where Obama Was Born DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!!!

When I was in grade school, I had a teacher who told us that in a decade or so, everybody was going to celebrate the turn of the millennium and be totally wrong. For some reason, that stuck in my head, which made New Year’s Eve 2000 that much more fun… I knew all the hype was pure ignorance.

The ignorance of the birther movement is similar. More than be annoyed by it, I’ve appreciated it for keeping a huge group of retards easily identifiable. Until I saw this:

He grew up and nobody knew him. You know? When you interview people, if ever I got the nomination, if I ever decide to run, you may go back and interview people from my kindergarten. They’ll remember me. Nobody ever comes forward. Nobody knows who he his until later in his life. It’s very strange. The whole thing is very strange.

That came from 2012 Republican Presidential candidate (please god) Donald John Trump. Now if a man as reasonable and well-informed as The Donald can be influenced by this birther nonsense, nobody is safe. Although it sure is suspicious that the mixed-race child of a single hippy mom who moved around the world studying Anthropology has fewer lifelong friends than a trust fund baby from Manhattan.

According to a poll taken last month by Public Policy Polling, over half of likely 2012 Republican primary voters think Obama isn’t legally eligible to be President. Never mind that neither Hilary Clinton nor John McCain, who have the scruples of a wounded weasel when it came to saving their own skins, didn’t think there was enough there to even broach the subject on their way to being beaten. Never mind that the State of Hawaii has released an official birth certificate saying the President was born there. Never mind that both the Honolulu Advertiser and the Honolulu Star Bulletin ran birth announcements for a Barack Hussein Obama on August 4th, 1961. That’s just the sort of shit Angela Lansbury would have pulled in The Manchurian Candidate.

The funniest thing about watching these idiots go ’round and ’round is… YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BORN ON U.S. SOIL TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.

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Mr. Consistant (The Political Version)

I certainly hold no truck with the neo-cons who believe in America’s hegemony (although they are tenacious… it only took them two years to take the Republican party over again). And I certainly don’t agree with the myth that Ronald Reagan was one of the greatest presidents ever (although if you run through the list of post-war Republican presidents, the reason for the G.O.P.’s attachment to him becomes pretty clear).

But it takes a special man to combine these two travesties together in a pithy quote that brings political discourse to a new level of insanity. The subject was what the U.S. should do about Libya:

Ronald Reagan bombed Libya. If you want to be Reagan-esque, it seems the path is pretty clear here.

Whatever your opinion of Ronald Reagan and his bombing of Libya, I think we can all agree that he stopped being President 23 years ago, and that a decision that may have been correct back then probably has absolutely no application here. This is like saying that if you want to be Kennedy-esque, you should blockade Cuba.

For the record, Reagan bombed Libya in 1986 in retaliation for a run of Libyan-sponsored terrorism that included the bombing of a Berlin discotheque frequented by American soldiers… the issue now is protecting Libyans who are trying to overthrow their government. Was the bombing effective? Not really… the Libyans continued sponsoring terrorism (a hijacking over Pakistan, a bombing over Lockerbie, etc.) and al-Gaddafi has been in power ever since. Did it make Americans who treat war like a football game giddy? Ya bet ya.

The person who said this asinine quote out loud also thinks he should be in charge of the U.S. military. But what do you expect from somebody who hasn’t changed his hairstyle since his mom first slicked it down on his first day of kindergarten?

Ladies and gentlemen, former Penn. Sen and 2012 Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

Of course this is also the man who said in regards to his wish that homosexual sex be outlawed (which he thinks is possible legally because there’s no Constitutional right to privacy):

If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.

The best part? He’s probably only the third biggest fucktard who’ll be running for the G.O.P. nomination next year.

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