As Michael Stipe once wrote (on the worst song on R.E.M.’s best album), “I know that this is vitriol, no-solution spleen venting.” But here we go…
In the long, rich history of terrible things that have happened in this country, a Republican taking Teddy Kennedy’s Senate seat because a bunch of Red Sox fans mobilized around Curt Schilling might be the most terrible.
Yes, Martha Coakley sucks. Let’s get that out of the way. She’s a brutal choice to follow Kennedy. She’s less inspiring than Michael Dukakis, less engaging than Nancy Pelosi, less formidable than David Dinkins. To win an election, you have to be a decent politician and an able campaigner, and Coakley’s clearly neither.
But…my God. It’s Massachusetts. It’s the Kennedy seat. If anything, anything at all, still matters in this political landscape, if anything is still sacred ground, it’s this. It’s irrelevant if the seat is important because of what Ted Kennedy accomplished, or because of the illusion the Kennedy name represents, the point is that it IS important.
It was utterly moronic for Coakley to call Curt Schilling a Yankees fan. Beyond moronic. But it’s more moronic that Curt Schilling is a factor in the race at all. This bloviating, carpet-bagging, self-aggrandizing fuck has inserted himself into the key political race in our country. On what basis? He was a clutch baseball pitcher. Congratulations. He also spent the vast minority of his career in Boston. Why isn’t he pestering the good people of Pennsylvania and Arizona?
Because the people of Massachusetts, and Red Sox fans in particular, are simple-minded, provincial fools. Because he knows he matters there. Because winning a World Series in Boston has given him a lifetime pass to influence the hearts of mind of the sad, pathetic little creatures who root for that baseball team.
Coakley’s being blamed, even by liberals, for not being empathetic enough to Red Sox fans. Bullshit. Yes, she’s an idiot, but when we’re blaming politicians for not pandering enough to retard baseball fans who only vote for candidates chubby pitchers endorse, we’ve gone horribly off the rails.
What kind of short-sighted egotist votes for someone because the other candidate doesn’t understand the over-inflated importance a sports team has to them?
Curt Schilling pitched four years in Boston, with a mediocre 3.95 ERA in that span. Now he’s going to be responsible for the lack of health care for millions of U.S. citizens.
For once, let’s put the blame squarely where it belongs: on the people. We’re always blaming politicians, or campaign managers, or the media for influencing elections. But in a democracy (or whatever this has turned into), sometimes we end up with the representatives we deserve. And right now, the people of Massachusetts deserve Scott Brown. Unfortunately, they’ve also foisted him on the rest of an unsuspecting nation.
Because Curt said so. And now millions of Tommees From Quinzee have cost us a health care plan. This isn’t really a political blog, so I’m not going to get into the litany of reasons why Scott Brown is terrible for our country, or dive into the intricacies of the health care debate. Instead, I’m going to focus on what’s important. That a swarm of Masshole Red Sox fans influenced an election.
For the second time already on this blog, I’m going to quote Roger Ebert’s Twitter feed. But no one’s said it better. “Massachusetts to Kennedy: ‘Fuck you!’”
And fuck Massachusetts. When does the boycott start?
Congrats, Curt. I hope you die.