2 Idiots Watch: The Grammys

From Twitter: NickSwisher
Who watched the Grammy’s last night? What was your favorite moment

In our neverending quest to bring our barroom discussions onto your computer screen, we will from time to time do live chats of important events. First up, the most preeminent event on the American social calendar…the Grammys. This conversation has been heavily edited for your sanity.

We first met up while surfing red carpet coverage on E! and the TVGuide Channel…what can we say, we love the dresses.

6:23 PM: David Simon Cowell: does this mean i have to give up Celebrity Rehab for horrible red carpet coverage
The Dilemma: there was just an awkward moment when Seacrest tried to shake Andrea Bocelli’s hand
D.S.C.: they’re interviewing the Black Eyed Peas on TVGuide Channel…they’ve already won 3 Grammies tonight…think that’s one of the Grammys problems? Is it Grammies or Grammys?
T.D.: I think it’s Grammys. You mean that they give out half the awards off-screen, or that they give out Grammys to the likes of the Black-Eyed Peas?
D.S.C.: as far as popular music goes, the Black Eyed Peas could be alot worse…they’re more of a Mindy McCready than a Joey Korvar (OK, I’m still watching Celebrity Rehab)…I meant the sheer number of categories
T.D.: Ah, the Oscars do the same shit with the technical awards. I actually think the B-E P’s are in contention for worst group alive.
D.S.C.: You are going to have an unhappy night then my friend…I’ll guarantee you that there’s no way you still think that after 3 1/2 hours of Grammy music

T.D.: Miley Cyrus just said “A lot of shows, you see them end and then you see them in re-runs over and over. With Hannah Montana, we’re giving it a definite ending. Cause it deserves it.”
D.S.C.: I think she saw the way that Doc just petered out, and is committed to it not happening again to the Cyrus family

D.S.C.: Is it wrong to want to bang Taylor Swift? What’s the age check?
T.D.: Wife says she just turned 20.
D.S.C.: So she’s got 4 years to spare…good to know

D.S.C.: Kings of Leon might be the most disappointing band of the past 10 years…what the fuck happened to them?
T.D.: Two words: sold out. They made a conscious effort to turn into a Southern-fried U2.
D.S.C.: I don’t know though…do they beat out Ryan Adams?
T.D.: I think so. I feel like there’s about a 20% chance Ryan Adams will come out with another good album someday. Vs. a .0001% chance for KoL.

T.D.: How decrepit do you think Slash looks these days if you get rid of the glasses, hair and hat?

T.D.: The new We are the World is going to empower the new generation, says Lionel Ritchie.

D.S.C.: From the week of April 18 to the week of October 10 of 2009, the Black Eyed Peas had the number one song in the country…not that I think that makes them good or anything…I just didn’t know how dominant they are
T.D.: That’s insane. Literally.

Finally, the show began…Lady GaGa brought the crazy as usual…singing a bit of Poker Face before turning into a monster and ending up with a duet with Elton John on Your Song

7:00 P.M.: D.S.C.: I kind of like her…in a Marilyn Manson kind of way…I’m not going to buy her album or anything, but at least she’s interesting and entertaining
T.D.: I do like her Ultimate Warrior makeup.
D.S.C.: I have actually heard this song…I think this is going to be like when I saw Creed at Woodstock ’99…we’re going to be amazed how many of these songs are actually in our brain
T.D.: Yeah, I’ve heard this one. Maybe on Gossip Girl.
D.S.C.: apparently, she’s the hot Meat Loaf
T.D.: I predict there will be less rapes here than when you saw Creed at Woodstock.
D.S.C.: there have already been about five in my brain, and that was only the red carpet
Boystown is erupting
T.D.: “Shocking” star of the moment + Elton John + Dirt makeup = Grammy Gold
T.D.: “how wonderful life is with Gaga in the world.”
D.S.C.: I’d give that a decent mark…the performance that is, not the line
T.D.: it was fine. Still don’t really have an opinion on Gaga.

D.S.C.: This one thing I’ll give the Grammys…they do cast a pretty wide net as far as music goes
T.D.: wide but not deep
D.S.C.: Well, it’s a marketing gimmick, like the Oscars…the problem though is that music has a much more segmented audience…i mean, my dad and I will see many of the same movies…we will not listen to any of the same music
T.D.: At least the Oscars get the major awards right every now and then. The Grammys and the Emmys are always massively wrong and out of touch.
D.S.C.: I think the difference is that what’s popular and what’s good rarely coincides in music, but does in movies

After some award or another, we got the rare pleasure of seeing a band jump the shark in front of our eyes…Green Day playing with the cast of the upcoming Broadway musical American Idiot

7:16 PM: D.S.C.: When are we hitting the Big Apple to see the Green Day musical? I say we wait until they work the kinks out
T.D.: This performance is making me miss Gaga.
D.S.C.: As somebody that moderately likes Green Day, this is making me feel shame.
T.D.: There’s nothing worse than when former punks brazenly join the establishment.
D.S.C.: I would be willing to bet that this thing gets blowjob reviews, like Eminem in 8 Mile
T.D.: Those kids in the background are really good about pumping their fists in unison.
That’s ’cause the establishment loves it when it co-opts somene from the outside.
D.S.C.: I think this is all Billie Joe
T.D.: That would have fit in perfectly on the Cats original soundtrack.

In one of the rare televised awards, Taylor Swift won for best pop performance with a southern accent
7:26 PM: T.D.: please God let Kanye show up
D.S.C.: It’s cool that they have a country category without any country artists
T.D.: Shut your face, Taylor.
Her “shocked” act is getting old.
D.S.C.: there is no fucking way she wrote every song on her album
T.D.: Did she claim she did?
D.S.C.: yeah…”i want to thank my record company for letting me write all the songs on my album”

Next came Beyonce, trying to fend off Lady GaGa from the left and Taylor Swift from the right…her response was to rip off Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation video and do a cover of You Oughtta Know

7:29 PM: T.D.: I have a good feeling about this.
D.S.C.: Beyonce is definitely feeling the heat from Lady GaGa
The only way this is good is if it’s a cover of Rhythm Nation
T.D.: if you’re gonna go for a crotch grab Beyonce, fucking get in there and grab that shit.
D.S.C.: I miss Green Day
T.D.: Did the night peak with Gaga/Elton?
D.S.C.: Maybe they’re all saving it for We Are The World
D.S.C.: Alanis gets to fill out a W-2 this year
T.D.: This is, in the vernacular of Bill Walton, TERRIBLE
D.S.C.: The odds of a Beyonce Behind the Music are skyrocketing by the minute
T.D.: I wonder if Jay-Z has left in shame yet.
D.S.C.: He’s texting Rhianna as we speak

7:40 PM: D.S.C.: I think Obama needs to start a weekly national referendum system to see where we really stand as a country…first week, Is Jaime Foxx talented? I can’t imagine we really think he’s as awesome as the media does

It was time for the annual kiss of death known as Best New Artist…hope the Zac Brown Band enjoyed the ride

7:48 PM: T.D.: Silversun Pickups have been around forever.
Never heard of the first two in this category
including the winner
D.S.C.: Yeah…it’s a weird category…you’re new if you “first entered the public consciousness”
I guess MGMT gets to have a career
T.D.: Seriously, who the fuck are these dudes?
D.S.C.: Some fucking country band, I’m sure
T.D.: So glad we got to see them thank several management companies, financial planners and marketing conglomerates.
D.S.C.: Third album, went to number 11 in the US
T.D.: That means it sold 375 copies.
D.S.C.: no, it went platinum…and they played Bonnaroo…so there
T.D.: I expect a 2,500-word blog post on the Zac Brown Band out of you by the end of the week.

Even though the first hour wasn’t yet up, the Grammys decided to show the third big act of the night, the Black Eyed Peas. The Grammys don’t play.

7:55 PM: D.S.C.: i have a feeling more comedy gold is coming
T.D.: I don’t find Fergie remotely attractive, which is the only thing that could save the B-E Ps.
D.S.C.: I guess I didn’t realize until tonight that the music industry decided to cope the same way as the movie industry to the digital revolution…they obviously went Avatar
T.D.: Is all this glitz, glam and lavish production really appropriate so soon after Haiti?
D.S.C.: how dare you…if you think Will I Am has gotten a wink of sleep on his bed made of money since that happened, you’re crazy
T.D.: I think I just had a seizure.
D.S.C.: ok, you’re right, they’re horrible
T.D.: I would definitely fuck the third robot from the left.
D.S.C.: they’ve sold 28 million albums…best I can tell, Spoon is barely above 500,000…
T.D.: Actual lyrics to this song: “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday.”

D.S.C.: Do you think Conor Oberst and Jeff Tweedy check coats at the Grammy afterparty
T.D.: I think Oberst and Tweedy would be shot on sight as intruders.
D.S.C.: I mean, I don’t think the Grammys ever mattered or anything, and I know that dumb, catchy music has always been the most popular, but has there ever been this big a divide between pop music and the people who were doing good work? I mean, Bob Dylan was at the Grammys in the 70s, right?
T.D.: Outkast won Best Album in 2004. I am shocked by that.
T.D.: Lauren Hill won in ’99. Joshua Tree in ’88. It seems like the Grammys decide to be relevant about once a decade.
According the Grammy, the 2004 song of the year was Dance With My Father by Richard Marx and Luther Vandross. Of course it was.

T.D.: Jamie Foxx and T Pain…coming soon!
D.S.C.: There are 109 Grammys given out this year
I’d really respect it if they did a 12 hour telethon…now that’d be a live chat!
But they’ve gotten rid of polka this year? Really? 11 Latin awards and nothing for polka? that is so racist
Although Jimmy Sturr had won 18 times in the 24 years it was given, so maybe there was a dearth of competition…or maybe Jimmy Sturr is a douchebag

You can’t even watch the Grammys these days without the national nightmare known as Jaime Foxx appearing…starting with some joke about opera, and then autotuning the shit out of the place with T-Pain

8:22 PM: T.D.: This is not going to end well.
D.S.C.: The thing I like the most about Jaime Foxx is his respect for music
T.D.: I’m glad that a form of music that has been beloved and revered for centuries served as a punchline for JFoxx.
D.S.C.: We can go through a long list of Grammy mistakes, but none will ever be as big as making him a Best Actor winner
T.D.: true that
And he’s lip synching.
D.S.C.: I mean, I know we white people brought it on ourselves, but we couldn’t find a Morgan Freeman movie? Blair Underwood wasn’t doing anything?
T.D.: But he was able to act blind! Do you know how hard that is?!
D.S.C.: Wayne Brady?

90 minutes into the broadcast, rock music was finally mentioned. Green Day beat out AC/DC, Eric Clapton, Dave Matthews Band and U2. Unfortunately, this was 2010, not 1995

8:32 PM: D.S.C.: I think Alice Cooper just broke my HD
I think we need to take the Grammys out to some clubs
T.D.: Whoever wins this, it’s the wrong choice
D.S.C.: When Green Day are the Young Turks in your Rock category, you have issues
Do you think the other members of Green Day even get a full cut anymore?
T.D.: no

Finally, the moment had arrived…the 3D all-star tribute to Michael Jackson…which unless you happened to go to Target was just a blurry mess…especially since they chose to go with The Earth Song. Afterwards, Jacko’s “children” said a few words.

8:53 PM: D.S.C.: really? The michael jackson tribute is the Earth Song?
T.D.: Is this Avatar?
D.S.C.: Great idea showing something that’s unwatchable without glasses
T.D.: Is someone going to start speaking Na’vi?
Or is this Captain EO?
What about killing fields, indeed.
D.S.C.: Did they design this tribute to remind you of all the bad things that went along with having Michael Jackson alive?
T.D.: Having the dead guy sing half the lines in the tribute is always an awesome idea.
D.S.C.: It’s not like this is some left behind song…it came out 15 years ago and bombed
T.D.: Yeah, this is the worst tribute to anyone in the history of ever.
D.S.C.: Showing a small child with her mouth open during a Michael Jackson tribute…great idea
T.D.: I mean…fuck. I feel like if there’s one thing the Grammys can nail, it’s a Michael Jackson tribute.
D.S.C.: I thought we’d all agreed to pretend that we’d only remember the good things about Michael
What about the Holy Land?
I’m getting a headache watching this…from several different things
T.D.: Will that be the last MJ tribute we’ll have to endure for a while?
God, I hope so. MTV botched theirs, and this was beyond botched.
D.S.C.: you try to be a good person and believe in God and help people, and then something like never seeing the genius of the This Is It concert in real life happens, and it’s like what’s the point?
T.D.: Here come the waterworks. I promised myself this wouldn’t happen.
D.S.C.: It’s really too bad because Prince Jackson is right in Michael’s wheelhouse right now
Can the second vote be whether we really consider these kids Michael Jackson’s?
T.D.: Paris is kinda hot.
D.S.C.: I mean, I’m willing concede that those are his adopted kids and should get all his money or whatever, but why are we pretending they are related in any way
All I can say is Prince dodged a bullet

After that emotional highlight, the broadcast hit a lull…there was a boring Dave Matthews Band song, a tribute to Haiti with Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige doing a horrific performance of Bridge Over Troubled Water and a nice lecture by the head of the RIAA about stealing music.

9:47 PM: D.S.C.: when was the last time. they actually gave out an award…i feel like it’s been at least an hour
T.D.: I really can’t believe how few awards they announce on air.
They used to do WAY more — best male rock vocal, best alternative album, all that kinda shit
D.S.C.: yeah…it used to be wall to wall awards, more like the oscars…this is definitely better

9:52 PM: D.S.C.: nothing says sex drugs and rock and roll more than the grammys
If you were to guess who the next Kings of Leon is (talented indie cred band who sells out and starts winning grammys) who would it be
T.D.: Hmmm….maybe MGMT? Arcade Fire?
D.S.C.: I was thinking Arcade Fire…don’t know if MGMT has the legs…I could also see Jack White coming out with some kind of album that isn’t a sell-out per se, but gets pretty popular
T.D.: To be the next KoL, you can’t just sell out, you have to sell out aggresively.
D.S.C.: Alright…how about just a talented artist who’s still underground that’ll eventually hit
Vampire Weekend is on their way…don’t know if they’ll sell out or not
I could see Neko Case having a Bonnie Raittish type album
T.D.: Gaslight Anthem?
Vampire Weekend had the #1 album on billboard, so they’re already here, at least to an extent.
D.S.C.: Who’s more likey…The Decemberists or Arcade Fire
T.D.: Arcade Fire? More talented, and the Decemberists have been around longer. They’ve had their chance.
And Colin Meloy’s voice is too polarizing.
D.S.C.: It’s hard for me to believe that Wilco and The White Stripes won’t eventually have a bigger day
T.D.: It’s pretty rare for a band to break through that late in their careers.

10:00 PM: T.D.: Mary died from P,P & Mary?
D.S.C.: Yeah…early last year I think
T.D.: Do you think P,P&M ever had three-ways?
D.S.C.: no…she did them seperately
T.D.: I always thought the two P’s might have gotten it on.
In my alternative-universe dream Grammys, Wilco comes out and does a couple killer Summerteeth songs as a Jay Bennett tribute.
And Michael Stipe comes out for a Vic Chestnutt tribute.

10:08 PM: D.S.C.: I can’t believe Polyphonic Spree are being ignored again
It’ll be interesting…music is just so much more fragmented…just look at Radiohead…by some measures they’re the biggest band of this generation, and yet are probably completely unknown by most people
LCD Soundsystem could have a breakout song
T.D.: I could see Phoenix getting even bigger than they already are.

Finally, the only performance we’d actually been waiting for…Eminem, Drake and Lil’ Wayne…unfortunately, we weren’t able to hear it, since the censors cut out the sound over and over again

10:16 PM: T.D.: God bless the Grammys. 33% of their climactic performance is silence.
D.S.C.: Is this the Grammys? I thought it was just some really random concert.
Third week’s vote…the total ban of AutoTune
T.D.: This is worth it just for the awkward shots of white people dancing along in the audience
And a “fucking” still slipped through.
D.S.C.: When the murder rate spikes tonight, at least we’ll know what to blame.
D.S.C.: Great performance…I think?
T.D.: Could have been. Thanks, CBS!

D.S.C.: As we head into the home stretch…you’re in charge of the Grammys…who are your album of the year nominees
T.D.: OK…Neko Case/Middle Cyclone
Dirty Projectors/Bitte Orca
Yeah Yeah Yeahs/It’s Blitz
Jay-Z/Blueprint 3
D.S.C.: some country album
T.D.: sure.
D.S.C.: Best New Artist?
T.D.: Japandroids
The Xx
That’s all I got.
D.S.C.: Best female country vocal?

T.D.: I still can’t get over this Pearl Jam commercial for an album available only at Target. I remember when they wouldn’t even make music videos.
D.S.C.: I know…it’s so fucking sad…they staked their career on being non-commercial, came out of it OK enough, and then completely caved
I mean, there was a day when they refused to have a picture taken for the cover of Time
T.D.: If Kurt could see them now…
D.S.C.: The more time goes on, the less upset I am he put a gun in his mouth…he was probably right

We had made it through to the other side…only the Album of the Year stood between us and freedom

10:26 PM: T.D.: Other than smartly not showing a lot of awards…is there anything these Grammys didn’t completely botch?
D.S.C.: having run this town win
T.D.: Who do you like here?
D.S.C.: beyonce
T.D.: ditto
D.S.C.: it should be lifetime achievmenty
i could see taylor too
T.D.: prescient
Also…give me a fucking break.
D.S.C.: i was amazed during her performance the number of songs I’d heard…obviously it was huge
T.D.: “Oh my God you guys!”
D.S.C.: is she from american idol, or does it just seem that way
T.D.: no, she’s not.
D.S.C.: I would pay some cash to see Kanye right now
T.D.: Congratulations. You just peaked.
D.S.C.: unfortunately for all of us, i have a feeling our relationship with taylor is just beginning
It could have been worse, we could have been watching the Pro Bowl

And, scene. Can’t wait for the Oscars, huh?



Filed under David Simon Cowell, Music Has AIDS, The Dilemma

2 responses to “2 Idiots Watch: The Grammys

  1. Pingback: Your 2012 Grammys Live Blog | Pop Culture Has AIDS

  2. Pingback: Relive the Grammys Every Day | Pop Culture Has AIDS

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