Everything’s Going to be OK!

So now that the Saints have won their first-ever Super Bowl, the city of New Orleans is going to be OK, right? Everyone’s going to move back, and it’s going to be like Hurricane Katrina never happened! Right? Isn’t that how this works?

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW ORLEANS – DAY – SEPTEMBER 2005

A despondent DREW BREES stands on a street corner in the 9th Ward, looking at the devastation before him.  The streets are flooded, homes are destroyed, and people lay sick, injured and dying. Drew drops to his knees, and his eyes fill with tears.

DREW

I just don’t understand how this could happen. I love this city so much, and now it’s just….it’ll never be the same. If only there was some way to go back in time and warn people to evacuate.

A disheveled, bearded man walks up to Drew, wearing shirtsleeves and a skinny tie. He is in a tizzy.

DANIEL FARADAY

Drew…Drew! Stop crying! You have to listen to me!

DREW

Wha…who are you? I’m not signing autographs, now, man.

DANIEL FARADAY

My name is Daniel Faraday, and I’m a physicist. I’ve spent my life studying the space-time continuum, and…you can change this.

DREW

What do you mean?

DANIEL FARADAY

You can stop this hurricane from ever happening. You can prevent all these good people from dying. You, and only you, Drew, can save this city.

DREW

How is that possible?

DANIEL FARADAY

All you have to do is win the Super Bowl. That would be an event so momentous, so unlikely, so impactful, that it would change the course of history itself. Time would reverse, and Hurricane Katrina would never even happen.

DREW

What?? That sounds crazy! Are you sure it will work?

DANIEL FARADAY

I’m sure. Just remember – Jeremy Shockey is your constant.

EXT. TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Drew is training furiously: lifting weights, chasing chickens around the field, studying game films, drinking raw eggs, and asking Pierre Thomas to punch him in the face to toughen him up.

EXT. SUN LIFE STADIUM – NIGHT – FEBRUARY 2010

The closing seconds tick off the Saints’ victory in Super Bowl XXIV. The crowd celebrates raucously, and Saints players leap around the field in joy and disbelief. Drew stands off by himself, nervously watching the scoreboard clock. As it strikes 00:00, everything flashes to white.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS – DAY

Drew is once again standing on a street corner in the 9th Ward, though the streets are now totally dry, and all the homes are intact. Drew is disoriented, confused. He runs to a group of people waiting for a bus.

DREW

Excuse me…excuse me…what day is today? And what year?

OLD WOMAN

It’s September the 15th, of course. 2005. Are you OK, son? And what’s that weird thing on your face?

DREW

It’s a birthmark. Has there…has there been a hurricane recently?

OLD WOMAN

Son, you better get yourself to a doctor. Of course, there hasn’t been any hurricane. Looked for a while like that Katrina might hit us, but then it swept right on by in the Gulf.

Drew hugs the old woman with joy, and begins sprinting down the street. Not only is the 9th Ward not flooded, it’s no longer impoverished. New homes and businesses are sprouting throughout the neighborhood. Drew grabs a Times-Picayune from a recycling bin, and reads articles about how the city’s murder rate is down, tourism is up, and a brand new retractable-roof football stadium is being built to replace the Superdome. He drops to his knees in gratitude.

DREW

We did it! Thank you, God!

ARCHIE MANNING
(appears in a cloud)

You’re welcome.

FADE OUT.

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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