Eldrick Got Into The Ambien Again

For those of you that weren’t near a television or computer or smart phone or public place at 11 today, you missed one of the worst performances in modern celebrity apologies. It may as well have been given by C3PO, not only in its weirdly stilted presentation, but in its horrible writing. Here it is (sorry for the commercial):

Jesus Fucking Christ, Tiger. After 3 months, that’s the best that you could come up with? Or, should I say, your P.R. flunkies could come up with? The only think worse than that speech was the reaction of the sports journalists (translation: shills who work for companies with a vested interest in a Tiger comeback). The biggest hack of all, Rick Reilly, called it “excellent”, “from the heart”, “sounded like he wrote alot of it” (I might agree with the last one). Really, Rick? He holds a “press conference” (translation: infomercial) where no questions are allowed and the room is filled with friendly faces. He woodenly reads a statement that goes down the list apologizing for everything he’s been criticized for, plus aggrandizing his charity work that’s helped “millions” of children (I need confirmation from Elias on that stat), and because he tears up in couple of places it was sincere?

This entire situation bothers me on two levels:

Tiger might be retarded
Like most of America, I held discredited opinions about Tiger. Not that he was an upstanding family man (nobody who counts Jordan and Barkley among his best friends isn’t fucking around), but that he was smart. I mean, he was a Buddhist, went to Stanford, had a decent sarcastic sense of humor, had interesting friends, had found a way to become the coolest, richest athlete as a golfer…I mean, come on. I figured he had to do all the bullshit that comes along with all that money and fame, but behind the scenes there was a decent mind at work, at least for an athlete. Of this whole affair, that’s the biggest casualty. Let’s use Jordan as an example…he fucked around more than Tiger on his best day. Everybody in Chicago (and probably Vegas and NYC and L.A.) knew it. But he never allowed a smoking gun that would allow it to be publicized, and he kept his wife happy (until the kids were grown – then he happily gave her half his fortune without complaint and moved on unscathed). Let’s not forget that all this happened because 1) Tiger texted chicks from his phone and left it lying around (and also left voicemails using his name on their phone), bringing his wife into it; 2) hopped into his car so loaded and scared of his 100-lb. wife he ran into a tree, bringing the cops into it; 3) didn’t release any information about it for almost a day, leading to a media panic speculating on his health or death, which brought the public into it all aquiver from the jump. Number of these things Jordan (or anybody who had a brain) would have done: 0. Then, he decides to play the sex addiction card. Give me a fucking break. There are probably sex addicts out there – if you’re blowing guys under freeway overpasses because your daddy didn’t give you attention – fine. If you’re fucking hot girls you meet on the road as the richest, most famous athlete in the world – bullshit. If Tiger would just admit that what happened was, for a guy like him, pretty much par for the course, and represents nothing more than overkill, and that he really needs to exercise some self-control and respect his marriage (or end it), then he might finally seem human.

We might be retarded
What the fuck is wrong with all of us? I understand why this was big news when it happened…it was a pretty tawdry piece of gossip. It had all sorts of fun elements, with the added bonus of allowing endless speculation, thanks to Tiger’s decision to not comment (again, not smart). It was even fun to watch the parade of floozies come out over the next few weeks (probably not a sign of intelligence that Tiger’s “type” is the same as the “type” of the casting director of the Bad Girls Club). But, we all know what happened at this point – maybe not every little detail, but this doesn’t need to be dissected like the Zapruder film. Like Tiger, don’t like Tiger…who cares, except for his sponsors and Tim Finchem. We all know we’re going to watch him play golf, and he’ll be entertaining whether we root for him or against him. So why are we allowing this sex addiction charade, which is being done for our benefit, to gain traction in the media? Are there really people out there that feel better because Tiger apologized to “them”? Are there really people that believe the problem was that Tiger got caught up in a horrible addiction? Are there really people basing whether to buy a Buick on their Tiger-like-meter that day? If so, we truly are all Tiger Woods.

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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS

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