Can you feel it? Can you feel it coming in the air today?
All patriotic Americans woke up with a little spring in their step this morning. The coffee is kicking in a little stronger, the winter feels a little warmer, the work commute’s a little quicker. Why? It’s Tiger Day, motherfuckers! At long last, Tiger Woods is breaking his silence about his sexy, sexy ways, and Americans are going to get the apology we demand — nay, the apology we deserve.
For months upon months, America (the world?) has been like a jilted lover awaiting restitution that never came. Tiger didn’t just cheat on Elin — he cheated on us, damn it. We believed in Tiger, and he betrayed every last one of us. For him to go into David-Chase-after-the-Sopranos-finale lockdown mode has been a slap in the face to golf fans and God-fearing people everywhere. We want answers. We need answers. Why did he do it? Why would a crazy-rich mega-celebrity have sex with lots of women? We don’t understand.
But, like with Lost’s final season, the time for questions is over. The time for answers is nigh. We shall have our day in court! I’ve heard rumors that after Tiger’s press conference, we’re going to hold him underwater in Rae’s Creek for five minutes. If he drowns, that means he was truly a sex addict, and he’s truly sorry for what he’s done. If he survives, we’ve been duped!
In all seriousness, what’s about to happen today is a farce. There are four aspects to Tiger Day that bother me immensely:
1) Americans expect an apology. To be fair, I’m not sure if Americans really do, or if the media just keeps telling us that we should. I know that Rick Reilly, the Golf Writers Association of America, and E! hosts all think an apology is long overdue. But why? What, exactly, did Tiger Woods do to us?
The guy is a golfer, and he fucked around on his wife. A lot. With some pretty terrifying women. And, not that I’m the moral police or anything, chances are he owes his wife a big apology — or a divorce, or anything she wants, really. But why does anyone not in the Nordegren family care what Tiger did or with whom? Sure, it’s titillating, and fascinating, and it can be fun to watch an egotist fall, but none of us have been wronged by this.
If parents are upset that their Tiger-idolizing kids have been scandalized, then they shouldn’t let their kids watch Access Hollywood, or they should teach their kids that even golfers are human beings who have flaws and make mistakes. Tiger Woods doesn’t owe us a fucking thing. But…
2) Tiger Woods is going to apologize for the sake of sponsorship dollars. Tiger doesn’t care what the little people think about him. But he does care about the multi-million dollar checks he’s grown to accustomed to receiving from Accenture, Gatorade, Nike, Buick et al. (He also cares what Jim Nantz thinks about him.) So he’s going to play the shell game that we’ve seen from a thousand different celebrities before: apologize, act contrite, donate to charity, keep his head down for a while, concentrate on golf. The whole ritual is tired, and it doesn’t mean anything.
I’d have much more respect for Tiger if his statement today went something like: “Hey everybody, I just want to say that of the 30 different women I’ve been accused of sleeping with in the media, I’ve actually only slept with 26 of them. But the other four are fair game now, right? I like sex with cheap women that borders on prostitution. Thanks. See you at the Masters.”
3) Tiger is playing the sex addict card. Ugh. In the last 30 years, it’s become a thing in this country that if you fuck up, but it turns out you’re addicted to something, we forgive you. Killed a guy in a drunk driving accident, but you’re an alcoholic? We forgive you. Cheated on your taxes, but you’re addicted to Xbox? We forgive you. Blew up the World Trade Center, but you’re addicted to the approval of Allah? We forgive you.
But sex addiction? Come the fuck on, Tiger. I didn’t believe it when Sam Malone went into sex therapy, and I don’t believe it now. Like Ken Tremendous said, “Tiger’s ‘addicted’ to sex in the same way I’m ‘addicted’ to ice cream. I like it, and due to my level of wealth, it’s often available to me.”
4) We think an apology makes everything OK. The media, and perhaps the public, acts all mad at a celebrity who fucks up, the celebrity issues an insincere apology, and then we all pretend nothing ever happened. It’s become a known component of American culture: if you’re sorry for something you’ve done, that makes it better. I don’t know if this is born out of Catholicism, or if other countries have the same nonsensical phenomenon, but apologies change nothing. After Tiger apologizes today, he still will have fucked all those ugly chicks. After Hugh Grant apologized, he still had gotten a blow job from Divine Brown.
Americans act like our love and affection is some privilege, and we withhold that privilege until we hear the words, “I’m sorry.” It’s asinine and it has to stop.