Counterpoint: Shut Up and Eat a Hot Pocket, You Damn Hippie

So David Simon Cowell is insinuating that big corporations and the U.S. government are working hand-in-hand to maximize profits, marginalize independent farmers and jeopardize public health.

How dare you, sir?

When has the United States government, the most fiercely independent democracy our world has ever known, allowed big corporations to dictate policy? Don’t you think the Department of Justice would step in if something unseemly were going on? And at the very least, how dare you impugn the good name of the Food and Drug Administration?

Perhaps other branches of our government make innocent mistakes from time to time, but not the FDA. Teddy Roosevelt created the FDA as an extra layer of protection for American citizens, to ensure that nothing unhealthy enters our bodies. As such, American bodies are temples, paragons that are close to the Greek ideal. Every morsel we eat, every preservative that allows the food we love to last, has been carefully vetted by a team of professionals motivated only by the public welfare.

And now you, sir, think you can impugn the good name of not only the FDA but also the great companies that fuel this nation? You might as well slaughter a bald eagle with a hammer and sickle. You tree-huggers have it in your heads that all large companies are out to harm us, and that they’re only in it for big profits and unseemly executive bonuses.


Who do you think keeps Americans employed? Who pays our bills? Who manufactures the products that bring us joy and keep our lives running smoothly?

More to the point: who keeps us healthy and well fed? Just because some lefty wrote a book and another lefty made a movie doesn’t mean America’s food industry is broken. Will there be food on your plate at dinner tonight? Then be grateful, because the citizens of most countries don’t have that luxury. Which proves that the American food system works.

Now go listen to your Dave Matthews and shop at Whole Foods or whatever it is you Air America listeners do. If you need me, I’ll be at KFC.



Filed under Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma

2 responses to “Counterpoint: Shut Up and Eat a Hot Pocket, You Damn Hippie

  1. CLCarrino

    Failure bowls for everybody!

  2. I’m a damn hippie, and I want my hot pocket!
    I wouldn’t stick my nose up at a bucket of Kentucky’s finest either, although I’ve been pretty disappointed with their prices lately. Albertson’s deli beats KFC anyday. QFC too, for that matter. Yes, we should let the world know, if you’re looking for really greasy nasty unhealthy but extremely tasty fried chicken, then go to Albertson’s.

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