We Must Stop LaBeouf Before He Ruins Everything

Fox is pushing back the release date of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps until the fall, so it can land the film a slot at Cannes.

The most important takeaway from this breaking news is that Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps is an actual thing that exists. Oliver Stone is actually directing it. And Shia LaBeouf is actually starring in it.

I am beginning to see a pattern with Shia LaBeouf. He loves to sully good, pure things with his presence: The Indiana Jones franchise, the original Wall Street, Carey Mulligan…

More specifically, he loves to star as the protegé of beloved film icons, in sequels with terrible, terrible titles. (Which is worse — Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps or Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? And are those the two worst sequel titles of all time?) Apparently, we’re so bankrupt of quality young actors that we must endure LaBeouf playing the Charlie Sheen role in MNS (the cool kids are already calling it “MNS”), worshipping Gordon Gekko until he inevitably sees the light and turns on him.

Where will it end? What else will Shia LaBeouf tarnish with his bland, inoffensive charm and inexpressive face? Unfortunately, Pop Culture Has AIDS has acquired a copy LaBeouf’s upcoming schedule from his publicist, and it contains plenty of bad news for film lovers.

After Money Never Sleeps, LaBeouf’s upcoming films include:

No Country for Old Men 2: Have Cattle Gun, Will Travel (Fall 2010)
Stone-cold killer Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) finds a young amnesiac drifter (Shia LaBeouf) beaten and unconscious by the side of the road. After a tense flip of his trusty coin, Chigurh decides to nurse the drifter back to health, and teach him everything there is to know about tracking and killing.

Pulp Fiction 2: Gettin’ Medieval (Spring 2011)
Before he teams up with Jules, Vincent Vega (John Travolta) is assigned to mentor Marcellus Wallace’s newest enforcer, Dante Portico (Shia LaBeouf). Vega doubts the young, diminutive Portico’s abilities, until Portico proves to him that he’s got skills you can’t learn in the gym.

Jerry Maguire 2: Show Me the Money (Fall 2011)
Sports agent Jerry Maguire has built up his firm to rival the top agencies in the country. Shia LaBeouf stars as Tommy DeRosa, the hottest young agent in the company, a man who reminds Jerry Maguire…of himself. Fireworks ignite when Maguire tried to take DeRosa under his wing…but LeBouf thinks he already knows all the tricks! Also starring Tristan Wilds as Rod Tidwell’s brash nephew, quarterback for the Oklahoma Sooners.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin 2: Losin’ It All Over Again (Fall 2011)
Hilarity ensues when Andy Stitzer (Steve Carell) learns that his newest employee, Patrick Cramer (Shia LaBeouf), has never even kissed anybody, let alone had sex. After months of trying to set up Patrick with various women, he might have some egg on his face when he learns that his young friend would actually rather lose his virginity…to a man!

Good Will Hunting 2: Then Whose Fault Is It?! (Christmas 2011)
Successful Stanford professor Will Hunting (Matt Damon) senses something familiar with Bobby Sullivan (Shia LaBeouf), the disinterested, sarcastic kid in the back of his intro to calculus class. Will he need to give his old shrink a call when he learns that Bobby is actually his son?? There won’t be a dry eye in the house when LeBouf asks, “How do you like them apples….Dad?”

Boys Don’t Cry 2: The Crying Game (Fall 2012)
In a flashback taking place before her death, Brandon Teena (Hillary Swank) encounters an intriguing young girl one night in a bar. There’s something strange about Lisa Manley (Shia LaBeouf) that Teena just can’t put her finger on…

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
LaBeouf stars as Matt Farrell, a young computer geek who becomes ensnared in a terrorist plan — and only John McClane can save him. (Whoops…it turns out this movie was already made, and the part of Shia LaBeouf was played by Justin Long.)

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Filed under Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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