So, we all reluctantly, belatedly agreed to call the decade that recently ended, “The Aughts.” Ugh. That is just a shitty name for a decade. But it was the best of a bad bunch. We did what humans have always done when faced with an impossible situation…we just fucking survived. We gritted our teeth, and named it “The Aughts,” and that was that. At least we refused to call it “The Naughties.”
Now, me, I lobbied from 2000 until 2003 to call it “The Gyllenhaal Decade.” But you guys outvoted me, and that’s fine. I accepted your decision. The bad news is that we have another nomenclature issue on our hands. What are we going to call the current decade, the one in which we are now mired? We can’t call it “The Teens,” because that would completely discount the first three years of the decade. “The Tens”? Nope. Stupid. Just as one nightmare ends, another begins.
Without a proper name, a decade cannot have a legitimate identity. It’s why the last decade sucked so much (you thought it was because of 9/11, but you were wrong). The ’80s wouldn’t have been such a cocaine-fueled, neon-lit, synth party if it were called “The Aughts” or “The Tens.” So what are we gonna call this thing? Some humble suggestions from Pop Culture Has AIDS:
- The Snooki Decade
- The Chinese Decade (Time Magazine warned us)
- The Marriage Ref-cade
- Humanity’s Last Stand
- Decade.org (idea submitted by Diablo Cody)
- The Time of the Na’vi
- The Real Housewives of Decade County
- The Decade Soccer Finally Takes Over America!
- The Decade: On the Wings of Love Edition
- The “Imma be ya bank, I be loaning out semen” Decade
- The Let’s Just Get Through This So We Can Get to the Roaring Twenties II Decade
There’s a winner in that list somewhere, I can feel it. In 2020, when we’re all trying to remember who the fuck Taylor Lautner was, and why he appeared on the 2010 Academy Awards, we’ll be using one of those names.