You Know How We Goop Girls Do

I’m feeling kinda blah today, you guys. I could really use a little springtime pick-me-up. You know what would really help? A new outfit that makes me feel sexy. But I’m bored with all of my usual clothes stores. If only there was some cool new place that suited my style. Wait….what’s that, Gwyneth Paltrow?

I just indulged in a teeny bit of spring shopping (ah, the joy that spring could be around the corner!) and I think I may have found the best store EVER…It’s called Hirshleifer’s and it’s in Manhasset, Long Island of all places, and it’s been a Long Island girls’ secret for far too long.

Awesome! Tell me more! (I thought that the Long Island girls’ secret was that they all do anal, but go on…)

The girls at this family owned shop are incredible buyers and stylists — everything from Chanel to Boy, Brunello Cucinelli to Acne. It is so worth a trip out there, I can’t even tell you. If not, you can visit their online shop from wherever you may be. They have an exceptionally good menswear selection too.

Menswear? You said the magic word. Let me check it out. Hang on…just go have some chardonnay with Chris or something while I peruse their selections.


I think I know why this little place has been a secret for far too long, Gwynnie: Because they sell dresses that cost $18,465.

I thought I would get our girl Annie, a stylist at Elle Magazine, to come help us put together a few ideas for spring outfits. As ever, we goop girls need things that are comfortable, chic and versatile that will go from a meeting to a school run/ballet practice to dinner with ease.

1) Nothing says versatile, comfy, “picking up the kids from school,” like these $1,300 shoes:

2) There is no chance in hell that Gwyneth Paltrow ever picks her kids up from school. We goop girls need things like a team of nannies, wet nurses and manservants to do our menial errands for us.

Listen, I’m hardly a class warrior, and I know that bloggers mocking GOOP is like Robin Williams speaking in an exaggerated gay voice, but come the fuck on, Gwyneth Paltrow. You were in The Royal Tennenbaums; there must be some sliver of soul left inside you somewhere. Is your newsletter intended only for your fellow celebrities and socialites? Because they are the only people who can afford to shop at places like this. And if so, you should really just have one of your butlers put together an e-mail list and send it to them that way.

Releasing something like this to the general public, to your “fans,” is just a slap in the face to reasonable people everywhere. For whatever reason, middle- and lower-class Americans are obsessed with the trappings of celebrity. Whether it’s watching Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (kids, that was like MTV Cribs but with fewer Scarface-related oil paintings), or reading about the free shit Golden Globes attendees get in their gift bags, we love having it rubbed in our faces how ostentatiously celebrities live, and how much stuff they can afford that we can’t. I get that. And I get that it’s caused by a sick cultural fascination with hero worship and capitalism. And 99 percent of the time, I can stomach it.

But every now and then, something comes along, like Gwyneth Paltrow earnestly recommending that her loyal readers shop at a clothes store that only sells items that cost more than $1,000, that makes me want to burn America to the ground.

Or buy this awesome fucking outfit:


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Filed under Film Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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