Being a Cubs fan is a bit like being Elizabeth Fritzl. You live in a world without light, where the people that are supposed to bring you joy starve and rape you continually. Every day you hear the ominous footsteps coming toward you and you delude yourself into thinking they’re coming down the stairs to grab the laundry and when the inevitable occurs you can’t believe you fooled yourself. Then you wake up the next day and it happens all over again.
I’ve been a Cubs fan all my life, so I would think that my baseball asshole has been stretched to its breaking point, by Leon Durham and Steve Bartman and Dusty Baker and Mark Prior, to name only a few. But every year I’m reminded that I can still feel pain when the Cubs yearly buggering rolls around.
Having this violation occur on April 21, when I haven’t even started paying attention yet, is a new record. But today, the Cubs turned their Opening Day starter, who they’re paying $18 million dollars this year, into a setup man.
Add this to the $19 million we’re paying to a guy who can’t play more than six innings, who had the most errors and lowest fielding percentage for a left fielder last year along with a .241 batting average… that’s $37 million, more than the Pirates and Padres PAY THEIR WHOLE FUCKING TEAMS. GODAMMN IT!!!
So, when the Bulls finish getting swept on Sunday, I have 20 solid weeks until I get to watch a team that I can fool myself into believing in (don’t worry Jay Cutler, I have plenty of lube).