The Unholiest of Unions Pt. III

Gwyneth Paltrow is going to appear on The Marriage Ref. Does this represent:

A) The end of the world as we know it

B) At long last, NBC’s Waterloo

C) The cause of the next nightmare that’s going to cause me to wake up screaming at 3 a.m.

D) The Antichrist finally making its presence known amongst us mortals

INT. TV STUDIO – NIGHT

Host TOM PAPA bounds onto the stage. He tells three of the ten worst jokes that have ever been told, and then introduces a video clip of an Alabama couple that’s fighting because the husband is too tired to have sex because he works three jobs, and the wife is too tired to cook for the family because she works full-time and has four kids.

TOM PAPA: Wowee, and I thought I had problems. I guess this puts my bad hair day in perspective!
(points comedically at balding head) But let’s get to our guest referee. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld!

The crowd roars enthusiastically.

TOM PAPA: …is a producer of this show. And tonight’s guest referee is the lovely, the talented, the regal…Gwyneth Paltrow.

GWYNETH PALTROW walks out from backstage, waves at the crowd, sits down and crosses her legs.

TOM PAPA: Yowza! You look lovely tonight, Gwyneth. If I may so, Chris Martin is a lucky man.

GWYNETH: Thank you ever so much, Thomas.

TOM PAPA: I’m getting a rush of blood to the head, if you know what I mean. Not that head! Hey, come on folks.

GWYNETH: Oh, Thomas, you’re such a cut-up!

TOM PAPA: Now let’s get serious here, Gwyneth. What advice do you have for Jim and Beth, our young couple, who now join us live via satellite?

GWYNETH: Well, I do have a couple questions for James and Elizabeth.

BETH: My name’s not Elizabeth. It’s just Beth.

GWYNETH: James, Elizabeth, first and most importantly, what kind of spiritual advisor do you consult?

JIM: Well, we go to church every now and then. Holidays, mostly.

GWYNETH: Oh no no no, silly. I mean a spiritual advisor! Someone who comes into your home and reads your chakras, and tells you how best to arrange your furniture to align your inner being. Who do you use?

JIM: Uh, we’ve never done that.

GWYNETH: Well, I highly recommend Nina Posterly. If I refer you, she only charges $350 an hour. Can you believe it? Anyway, moving on, who is your personal sommelier?

BETH: Our what?

GWYNETH: I can’t believe what I’m hearing, Thomas. How are these two expected to make it without someone advising them which vintage to pair with which meal? Last night, my dear friends Bombshell McGee and her lovely partner James Gregory were over, and we served the most divine organic date-and-walnut foie gras with homemade sushi and a ’72 Bordeaux. My personal trainer and personal chef both consulted on the meal. It can be so hard for us girls to stay thin, right Elizabeth?

BETH: Umm…

GWYNETH: So Thomas informs me you’re having trouble finding time to cook? That’s so sad. I find that supervising my chef when he cooks for my children is a wonderful connection to my maternal self. It’s so fulfilling. Does your nanny have the good sense to take the children to the museum while you’re attempting to prepare dinner?

BETH: We don’t have a nanny.

GWYNETH: Well, no matter. I recommend a 6-week detox program for you, Elizabeth. If you eat only asparagus soup and essential oils during that time, and work with a personal trainer, I’m sure those jiggly arms will clear themselves right up. We girls must stick together!

BETH: What? I don’t think I need to lose weight…

GWYNETH: Of course not, dear. We’re all beautiful just the way we are. I’m always telling my grandmother “Grandma Paltrow, those wrinkles could be whisked away with just a dab of my all-natural endorphin serum. But even with your face looking it was stepped on by a angry craft services worker, I still think your natural beauty and grace shine through.”

TOM PAPA: OK, Gwyneth. It’s decision time. Any last words of wisdom before I render my verdict in this case of the sexless husband vs. the cruel hag?

GWYNETH: Nourish the inner aspect. Always serve high tea at precisely 4:15 p.m. Americans are coarse and ugly by nature.

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Filed under Television Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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