I love Netflix. I love seeing their red envelopes in the mail. I love that I can fill my queue with movies like The Tin Drum and La Dolce Vita when I’m really going to watch Heat for the fifteenth time. I love that you can feel superior to people who don’t have Netflix (let’s call this the Apple effect). And I love, love, love that I can stream movies instantly on my PS3.
However, as anybody with Netflix knows, the 17,000 or so movies available instantly aren’t always awesome. Or mostly awesome. In order to find Lost or Hoop Dreams or Brokeback Mountain (I get to be Ennis this time, Dilemma), you have to surf through piles of dreck. Even this can be fun for a time though, just seeing the number of horrible movies that exist in the world. The best aren’t the obvious ones like Pluto Nash or Deuce Bigalow. The best are the ones that you’ve never heard of or forgotten about, where the cover alone makes you chuckle and tells you all you need to know. And the worst are always on the special Starz Presents page. Now, I don’t know much about Starz (except Party Down is awesome), but their movie acquisitions are obviously guided by a retarded monkey. So, here it is, the Top Ten Worst Movies I’ve Come Across On Starz On Netflix On-Demand (in no particular order):
Shockingly there’s no Wikipedia page to update us on which street corner the kid is working now.
I hate to argue, but maybe the problems in the marriage weren’t all Bill Pullman’s fault.
Somehow, I feel like I could do a Top Ten of only Heather Graham movies.
The homeless man’s Pluto Nash.
You whet my appetite, but don’t put Animal 1 On-Demand? Fuck you, Netflix.
I never thought I’d yearn for Stuart Saves His Family. But it does give me an excuse to post this song:
The homeless man’s 8 Mile.
Guess Tim Robbins hasn’t made enough money to destroy all the copies yet.
Over/Under on big tit jokes: 12.5.
Directed by Joey Travolta… guess bad taste in movies runs in the family.