The competition is over, kids. The worst movie ever made has been made. The barroom arguments are over. The film hasn’t even been released yet. I haven’t seen anything more of it than a 30-second commercial. But I’m going on the record here and now that the worst movie ever made is about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting population. And not “worst ever” in some campy Ed Wood or Human Centipede way. I’m talking legitimately the worst. It’s got a major star, and was made by a major American film studio.
What is it?
It’s Eat, Pray, Love, and here’s the 2:26 trailer. Let’s watch it now, together.
Because the world really needed Under the Tuscan Sun II: The Tuscaning. Or Bridges of Madison County II: Do They Have Bridges in India?
If you haven’t seen the TV ad, by all means go turn on Lifetime and wait for it to come on, because it’s even more hideous than the trailer.
I’ve never read the book “Eat, Pray, Love,” and my knowledge thereof is limited to this: it’s a feel-good story that America fell in love with, which means it’s terrible. According to Wikipedia, Oprah devoted not one, but two episodes of her show to this little treasure, which means it’s extra-terrible. And a reviewer for the Boston Globe called its author, Elizabeth Gilbert, “the epic poet of ecstasy,” which means it’s terrible on a mind-blowing level.
Here are the clues so thoughtfully laid out in the trailer/commercial that give away the previously closely guarded secret that Eat, Pray, Love is the worst movie ever made:
1) The trailer opens with a wise old spiritual guru reading Julia Roberts’ palm, which of course leads her to change her whole life plan, because that’s what normal, likable people do.
2) “I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something.”
3) General Hospital’s James Franco, obviously slumming it for a paycheck, or working on some new performance art piece in pursuit of a doctorate from some Ivy League school.
4) Javier Bardem also slumming for a paycheck, playing the exact same character he played in Vicky Christina Barcelona — the handsome, free-spirited foreigner whose sole duty is to guide the uptight American tourist out of her anxiety-riddled, playing-it-safe, that’s-no-way-to-live kind of life.
5) The part in the commercial where the Italian guy teaches Julia Roberts to speak Italian: “You-a don’t speak-a Italian with-a your tongue! You-a speak Italian with-a your hands!”
6) “I’m having a relationship with my pizza right now. It’s part of my No Carb Left Behind program.”
7) The preposterous sight of Julia Roberts laying on her back, struggling to zip her jeans. Because, you see, Americans are so skinny, and when they go to Europe and learn how to live, they get so fat! Also, fatness = freedom. I think that’s what William Wallace meant at the end of Braveheart.
8) The phrase “Based on an incredible true story” appearing in the trailer. So it’s “incredible” that a middle class white American took a year off to travel? Wow! What a story! It’s like Odysseus come to life!
9) That patented Julia Roberts Guffaw©
10) That patented Julia Roberts Horsey Smile©
11) The pseudo-mystical Eastern religion bullshit that clearly courses through the film. When countries like India are featured in movies like this, it’s always in a condescending way, wherein Westerners go there and discover their true spiritual selves, and the mysticism of other ways of life. That’s all those wacky Asian countries are good for, right? Well that, and being able to marvel at things.
Julia Roberts appeared in Valentine’s Day earlier this year. You would think she could have stopped right there and been a cinch for the 2011 Razzies, but apparently she wanted to lock that shit down. Congratulations, Princess.