I’ve finally figured it out. I finally know how I’m going to get rich.
I’ve thought of the perfect business idea, the perfect way to supplement my already substantial Pop Culture Has Aids income.
Warning: Do not try to steal this idea. Patents are pending.
So what is it?
These guys know what I’m talking about.
The timing couldn’t be more perfect, what with the Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs movie due to come out next year. Licensing revenue is there for the taking.
Look, there’s something undeniably sexy about the Smurfs. It’s about time we all admitted that to ourselves, and set our collective subconscious free of the shame and guilt associated with Smurf fetishism.
Each of the condoms will be blue, obviously. And each will feature a white tip, to mimic the style of the Smurfs’ caps. And here’s the beauty part: we’ll sell different condoms individually suited to each major Smurfs character.
There will be variety packs.
Here are the ideas I’ve sketched out thus far. This is just the beginning, people.
- Papa Smurf condom: A red tip instead of a white tip, duh
- Smurfette condom: Ribbed for her pleasure
- Vanity Smurf condom: Specially designed to visually enhance the phallus
- Greedy Smurf: Edible
- Lazy Smurf: comes loose-fitting and already unrolled. With adjustable blue rubber band
- Hefty Smurf: target marketed to the gay community
- Harmony Smurf: automatically plays “Ride of the Valkyries,” like a musical birthday card
- Gargamel: Actually gives you an STD (a perfect gift for the bug-chaser in your family)
- Jokey smurf: explodes on impact
© The Dilemma 2010. You know where to send the checks. Smurfing brilliant.