Fire Dan Shaughnessy

Where have you gone, Ken Tremendous? A blogosphere turns its lonely eyes to you.

Dan Shaughnessy will always have a writing job as long as Boston has self-obsessed myopia. But does Sports Illustrated really need to unleash his particular brand of idiocy on the rest of us?

The Ginger Kid’s latest thesis? That the Shaquille O’Neal acquisition can’t possible go wrong for the Boston Celtics.

I’m not PCHA’s resident NBA expert, but I don’t need to be to know how asinine this article is.

I write about sports in Boston. Good stories are my currency. And I just got a little richer. Shaquille O’Neal is coming to the Celtics.

What a town. What a team.

I…cannot…stop…throwing….up.

From this point in the article, I became suspicious that Shaughnessy is trying to put one over on us, and scoured the rest of the piece for any signs of winking or sarcasm. Nope. Turns out, he really means it.

It just never stops here in Boston. We had Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling and the Bloody Sock. We have Tom Brady and Coach Hoodie and we had Spygate and the 18-0 season. Every Red Sox game is a sellout. Every Patriot game is a sellout. We’ve had more parades than Macy’s.

And now Shaquille O’Neal is joining the Celtics. This is going to be great.

Is he seriously using the signing of a well-past-his-prime center as an excuse to list every major local sports story of the last decade? Yes. Yes, he is. Note to Shaughnessy: you could do that for every single city in America. Here, watch this:

I write about sports in Detroit. Good stories are my currency. And I just got a little richer. Mike Modano is coming to the Red Wings.

What a town. What a team.

It just never stops here in Detroit. We had Chauncey Billups and Sergei Federov and Rasheed Wallace and his weird white patch of hair. We have Miguel Cabrera and crusty old Jim Leyland and we had Fire Matt Millen and the 0-16 season. The Tigers made an improbable World Series run in 2006. We have octopi on the ice at every Wings game. We’ve got more cups than a frat party.

And now Mike Modano is joining the Red Wings. This is going to be great.

See?

Nationally, a few folks are scratching their heads. Shaq is old, much-traveled, and failed to inspire anybody in recent stays in Phoenix and Cleveland. He is no longer a dominant force. He’s not going to be able to play a lot of minutes. And he still can’t make free throws.

Right. So…we’re done?

But there is absolutely no downside to this move by Danny Ainge.

Oh.

Maybe you should check with Cleveland about that?

The Celtics have been in need of big man help since Kendrick Perkins blew out his knee in Game 6 of the NBA Finals at Staples Center. The C’s were forced to start Rasheed Wallace at center in Game 7, and he got manhandled under the basket by the Lakers. They couldn’t keep the Lakers from getting second and third shots. It cost them a championship.

Well, if you need big man help, obviously you want to find the oldest big man on the market. Kareem Abdul-Jabaar was a pretty great player too — maybe Ainge should check to see if he’s available for the right price.

Shaq’s floor game is not what it was, but he’s still gigantic and he can still drop 20 points on your head if he gets enough touches.

In 2009-2010, Shaq had the lowest points-per-game, rebounds-per-game and blocks-per-game of his career. And the lowest field goal percentage since his rookie season.

Shaq is the last of the classic big men who played with their backs to the basket.

George Mikan was the last of the classic big men to play with a peach basket instead of a hoop. Get Danny Ainge on the phone.

We expect him to bring a positive attitude. It’s clear he’s not doing this for the money, which means he must be doing it for the ring.

“My motto is very simple: ‘Win a Ring for the King.'” — Shaquille O’Neal, July 2009

Shaq already has ties to Boston. He’s the one who named Paul Pierce “The Truth.” He appeared in Blue Chips alongside Bob Cousy.

Kirby Puckett has ties to New York. He’s the one who nicknamed Don Mattingly “Donnie Baseball.” He played in Yankee Stadium many times. He drove by Shea Stadium on his way to the airport. He’s practically a New Yawkah!

The Celtics have scheduled an introductory press conference for Shaq this week. It should be a doozy. Being a Boston sports fan just got a lot better. And working in the Boston sports media just became a little more fun.

I love this game.

Is Dan Shaughnessy getting kickbacks from the Celtics AND the Boston Tourism Department? That’s the only explanation.

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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