09/02/10

In honor of the greatest of all Pop Culture holidays, I present my Top Ten 90210 characters of all time:

10) Brenda Walsh: Unlike her goody-goody brother, Brenda was someone you could see hanging out with for more than two consecutive hours without wanting to punch. She was just like every crazy theatre chick in your high school… overdramatic, pretentious and super-fuckable.

9) Emily Valentine: Just like every crazy art chick in your high school… trendy, psychotic, and super-fuckable. And dating a total tool.

8) Ray Pruitt: We here at PCHA are generally against violence against women… except where Tori Spelling is concerned. Anybody who is willing to ruin his career by being known as the guy who beats up Donna Martin deserves a shout-out.

7) Nat Bussichio: I was once rear-ended by Harvey Keitel (in a car). I once saw The Fonz at a Dodgers game. I once sat in a restaurant where Cindy Crawford, Liz Phair, Warren Beatty, Annette Benning, Chris Kaatan, David Spade and Denise Richards were at the tables around me. But no celebrity sighting has come close to the charge I got when I walked into a West Hollywood bar in the middle of a weekday to see Joe E. Tata nursing a drink in the darkness. Part psychiatrist, part buddy, part chef… this one’s for you, Nat.

6) John Sears: Frat-Boy, thy name is John Sears. Originally the BMOC from KEG House, he lost both his status and brotherhood in the most dramatic 90210 moment that didn’t involve death.

5) Colin Robbins: This smooth mother-shut-your-mouth introduced Kelly to both the Mile High Club (in the most spacious airplane bathroom ever) and cocaine… inevitably, he was eventually sent to prison. Also, he was played by the same actor who played Skippy in Kicking and Screaming (no, not that Will Ferrell movie… AARRGGHH).

4) Claire Arnold: This piece of sneaky jailbait wouldn’t take no for an answer from Brandon, before moving on to conquering David and Steve. The California University chancellor’s daughter, she was brilliant and troubled, with, of course, a bruised heart of gold.

3) Valerie Malone: The soap opera slut that Kelly and Brenda could never be. She burned through every male in the 90210 universe except for Nat and brought the world the Peach Pit After Dark.

2) Jim Walsh: The father we all wish we had… fair, square, and wealthy. Mr. Walsh juggled a rebellious daughter, a gambling-addicted son, a repressed wife and a business relationship with Dylan with the wisdom of Job and the strength of Hercules.

1) Dylan McKay: Duh. A rebel, a poet, a hero.

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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Television Has AIDS

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