Damage Control: A One-Act Play

INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY

On the 37th floor of a Manhattan skyscraper, a group of people sit around a mahogany table in a blandly decorated conference room. They include: BRETT FAVRE, his agent BUS COOK, Favre’s law team, two public relations shills, CEO of Wrangler Jeans ERIC WISEMAN, an advertising executive and PETER KING. The mood in the room is grim. Favre’s face is buried in his hands.

BRETT
(barely audible)

Poor Breleigh.

LAWYER #1

What was that?

BRETT
(a little louder)

Poor Breleigh.

Peter King stands and walks over to Brett. He gives him a gentle, consoling backrub, and appears to be whispering in his ear.

BRETT

It’s just that…Breleigh doesn’t deserve this. She worships me. How could the media and those Internet vultures be so cruel, so cold? Breleigh never did nothing to anybody. I’m the bad guy in this. I’m the one who hurt Breleigh, and Deanna, and…whatever that other one’s name is.

PETER

Brett, you’re not a bad guy. We all know that here. You made a mistake. It happens. Just think of it like you threw a big interception late in the 3rd quarter to put your team down. What are you gonna do about it now? The game’s not over yet.

BRETT

It’s just that that girl….when I was with the Jets…she really made me feel like a kid out there. And I got all confused about some stuff.

BUS

Gentlemen, gentlemen. What’s done is done. We’re here today to discuss strategy. How do we fix this?

PR SHILL #1

The Brett Favre Brand is in crisis mode. We’re code red here, people. How do we save the brand?

ERIC

Look, I mean no disrespect here, Brett, but from Wrangler’s point of view, we’re concerned. We’re a wholesome company. We can’t have our image tarnished by this…this…unpleasantness.

PR SHILL #2

We understand your concerns, Mr. Wiseman. But we’re here to tell you that Brett’s brand is still wholesome. We have polling results here that show that in Minnesota, Brett’s Q rating has only dropped 3 percent. Nationwide, it’s only dropped 21 percent. We’re still safely above the LeBron Zone.

BUS

That’s right. We think most of America is ignoring this incident. After all, Brett is white and beloved. And that girl’s a whore. Most people are blaming her for dressing like a harlot. I think if any one of us saw that little girl walking by us every day we’d be sending her pictures of our willies too, am I right?

BRETT

Bus, please.

ERIC

Listen, I’m not all that interested in what your spreadsheets say. I’m interested in what my heart is telling me, and it’s telling me that people are going to be associating Wrangler jeans with pornography. Wrangler jeans are about American flags, and country music, and barbecues, and pick-up football games. You know that better than anyone, Brett.

BRETT

He’s right.

BUS

Hush your mouth, boy. Eric, what can we do to make this right?

ERIC

I’m not convinced there’s anything that can be done. This thing is all over the place now. It’s on The Today Show, for gosh sakes. This is hard for us, guys. You know it is. But I think Wrangler is going to have to invoke our morals clause and end our partnership.

Peter King gasps. Brett stares off into the distance. The lawyer and PR shills look defeated. Bus shakes his head mournfully.

AD EXEC

Wait a minute here, people. Everything’s not lost.

Eric Wiseman gather up his briefcase and prepares to leave.

BUS

What do you mean, partner?

AD EXEC

I mean I think this is salvageable. I think Brett Favre can still sell Wrangler jeans.

ERIC

Alright. You’ve got two minutes to explain how that’s possible.

AD EXEC

In Greek, nostalgia literally means “the pain of an old wound.” It’s a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone.

Eric tilts his head in confused interest. Brett lifts his face from his palms.

AD EXEC

A pair of Wrangler jeans isn’t a spaceship. It’s a time machine. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again.

ERIC

Tell me more…

AD EXEC

And above all else, what do Wrangler jeans represent?

BRETT

Denim?

AD EXEC

No, Brett. Not denim. Safety. They represent safety. Wrangler jeans transport you to a home and a childhood that you might not have even experienced. It’s a collective imagined past, an American life that no one has ever lived but that we all dream about. It’s the safety of being in the backseat while your parents drive you home. The safety of waking up in the morning to the smell of a home-cooked breakfast. The safety of your favorite armchair at the end of a long day.

ERIC

This sounds real pretty, but what does it have to do with…

AD EXEC

Listen to me, damn it! For men, for hard-working men across this country, what could be safer, what could be more non-threatening, than a small white cock? What could make them feel more in control? If people know that their hero, a man they’ve idolized for most of their lives, has a smaller cock than they do, they’re going to feel pretty damn good about themselves. And those good feelings are going to translate to their disposable income. People are going to love Brett Favre for his non-threatening cock. They’re going to want to thank him. And how are they going to thank him? By going down to the store and buying a brand new pair of loose-fitting Wrangler jeans.

Most of the men at the table are dabbing tears from their eyes. Eric nods to himself, as if making a decision. The ad exec starts furiously scribbling on a pad of paper.

ERIC

What…what are you writing?

AD EXEC

A full-page ad for tomorrow’s New York Times: “Why I Just Can’t Quit Brett Favre’s Cock”

FADE OUT.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

One response to “Damage Control: A One-Act Play

  1. Pingback: Molina: The Day After « Pop Culture Has AIDS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s