The Slippery Slope

Last night on Twitter, David Simon Cowell noted with some condescension that the Rangers celebrated their first-ever playoff series victory with a feisty Canada Dry-spraying locker room celebration.

DSC, I’m a little surprised at your insensitivity. Are you forgetting that Josh Hamilton is a member of said Texas Rangers? And that Josh Hamilton is a former heroin addict?

Look, it’s well-known that if a heroin addict, or any kind of drug addict, sees or smells alcohol of any kind, they immediately fall back into the clutches of their addiction. If someone had, God forbid, poured champagne on Josh Hamilton last night (even sparkling cider, it’s the mere association with alcohol that leads to problems), J-Ham would have been shooting up before the Rangers’ plane touched down at DFW. At Game 1 of the ALCS, when the Rangers took the field for the bottom of the first inning, there would have been an empty space in centerfield. When manager Ron Washington went looking for Hamilton, he would have found him in the bathroom of a Ft. Worth bar, passed out on the toilet with a hose tied around his arm.

So thank God for Canada Dry.

The Rangers also take the following precautions to make sure Hamilton stays on the wagon (not to mention Ron Washington, who actually tried cocaine one time!):

  • At team dinners, no alcohol is allowed in the restaurant where the team is dining. Other patrons are informed they must drink mineral water or diet cola.
  • Vlad Guerrero, Nelson Cruz and Ian Kinsler were quietly asked to stop taking HGH.
  • Texas’s vaunted DUI legal limit of 1.8 was lowered to .25.
  • No beer is sold in the stands at Rangers home or road games. Initially, other teams objected to not being able to sell beer at their own home games, but when White Sox GM Ken Williams saw Hamilton wistfully staring at a MGD 64 in the bleachers while letting a routine fly ball drop in front of him for an inside-the-park home run, he and other execs did the right thing.

So DSC, please…drop the snark. We’re talking about a human being here, struggling with an invisible demon. More caring, less tearing (down).

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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