A Brief One-Act Play

In which Ben Affleck’s character from The Town, Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from Shutter Island, Mark Wahlberg’s character from The Departed, Matt Damon’s character from Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams’ character from Good Will Hunting, Christian Bale’s character from the Fighter, and Tom Hanks’s character from Catch Me if You Can get together to watch a New England Patriots game.

INT. – ROBIN WILLIAM’S BASEMENT – DAY

WILL HUNTING (Damon), SEAN MAGUIRE (Williams), DICKY EKLUND (BALE), DOUG MACRAY (Affleck), SGT. DIGNAM (Wahlberg), CARL HANRATTY (Hanks), TEDDY DANIELS (DiCaprio) sit around on sectional couches, drinking Sam Adams and watching the Patriots take on the Green Bay Packers on Maguire’s 42″ standard definition television.

CARL

Thanks a lot for having us ovah for the Pats game, Sean.

SEAN

After missing Game 6 of the ’75 World Series, I’m making sure never to miss another big sporting event evah. Go Pats! Tawmee Brady really has it this year.

TEDDY

Excuse me, Carl, can I ask you something?

CARL

What is it, Teddy?

TEDDY

Ah you a DOOLY APPOINTED FEDERAL MAHSHALL?

CARL

How’d you do it Frank? How did you cheat on the bar exam in Louisiana?

TEDDY

What?

DOUG

The Pats are gonna put the whole fackin’ AFC East in their rearview.

WILL

Hey Doug, do you like apples?

DOUG

What?

DIGNAM

Your fuckin’ family’s dug into the Southie projects like ticks.

SEAN

It’s not your fault!

TEDDY

Which would be worse, to live as a monster or die as a good man?

WILL

What is this, a Taster’s Choice moment between guys?

DICKY

Holy shit, boys. Woodhead just scored a fackin’ touchdown!

EVERYONE

WE LOVE DANNY WOODHEAD!

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