Your Saturday Antivirals

So Tom Hanks has a son other than Colin, and this other son is an aspiring rapper. Oh, God. This is shameful for so many reasons. The Hanks name has been disgraced. Worst of all, young “Chet Haze” shares an alma mater with David Simon Cowell and me. His “song” “White and Purple (Northwestern Remix” includes lines like: “White kicks/ Purple kush/ This is college, hittin’ blunts after hittin’ books.” There are no winners here.

The rest of your antivirals, made to order and coming right up:

Two odd asides in an otherwise uneventful Bill Simmons column about boring NBA stuff:

That’s how much money the Denver Nuggets have paid Carmelo Anthony: about $75.5 million. I found this information on the Internet, so it has to be true.

What? What does that even mean? Why is the guy who built his career on the back of the Internet taking a random, unprovoked potshot at it? Then, later on:

On Sunday, with rumors of a New Jersey deal scorching through the interwebs, Carmelo scored eight points in a lethargic loss to New Orleans.

“Interwebs”? Welcome to 2006’s most popular humor meme, Simmons. Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cyberbed. He must have read something about himself he didn’t like. Just like last time.

Also over at the Worldwide Leader, here’s a fun parlor game: take this ridiculous profile of Danny Fackin’ Woodhead, and do a search and replace of Woodhead’s name with “David Eckstein.” Nothing substantial about the article would change. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” — John Locke Danny Woodhead

The TCA press tour was held this week, meaning our favorite television critics sat through a ton of long, mostly boring panels for new and existing shows. Some highlights:

Anytime Brett Favre’s sister gets arrested in a meth lab, we’re going to link to that. It’s the PCHA promise.

Similarly, anytime someone eviscerates Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP as impressively and thoroughly as this, we’re going to link to that too.

A nomination for the best newspaper headline of all time.

And lastly, Phillies slugger Ryan Howard drops a casual reference to The Cranberries. Zombie-eh-eh-eh, y’all.

Now let’s go and watch some football and enjoy our weekends. Play us out, Okkervil River with A.C. Newman…



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Filed under Internet Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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