Oh Here Go Hell Come

I’ve never been more envious of David Simon Cowell, because he is in Ecuador, which means he doesn’t have to see what I’m seeing right at this very second. Namely — the Black-Eyed Peas’ pre-Super Bowl press conference. The horror…

The four Peas are seated uncomfortably on a stage, while a room full of media members and gawkers looks on. Some bland NFL stooge is “moderating.” Damn you for existing, NFL Network.

Things I’ve learned so far….

  • It is actually a competition between who is more awful: the Peas or these yokels with press passes from small-town newspapers and TV stations. There have actually been a couple brief moments when I’ve felt sympathy for the Peas because of the “hilarious” and awkward questions they’ve faced.
  • will.i.am is going to be live Tweeting during the halftime performance. Things will.i.am says about the Tweeting: “Why not have that engagement?”; “I’m really proud of that.”; “You’ve got cameras; what’s wrong with my little Tweet machine?”; and “We could really do something brand new and spectacular” — which is obviously a big deal because that’s the first time either of those two words have ever applied to this band.
  • Fergie starts singing Sexual Healing in response to an awkward, pun-filled question and you can practically hear everyone in the room silently begging her to stop. It takes a lot to make Johnny Sportsguy from WOMH-35 Omaha blush, but Fergie’s doing it.
  • “What do you think of someday bringing the Super Bowl to Hawaii?” asks the guy from a Hawaiian radio station. Fergie: “Aloha.” Taboo: “The hotels would be booked up pretty quick. Everybody would get lei’d.” Sidenote: there is someone named “Taboo” in the Black-Eyed Peas.
  • In response to a moron from Milwaukee trying to get the band to say that they’re Packers fans, we learn that Taboo likes Mark Sanchez. Fergie is a part of “Raider Nation.” I don’t think the other two know what American football is.
  • “What was the process like to be selected as halftime performers?” will: “I tell you, there was one meeting I was really proud of, I went to the NFL offices with my computer and mixing equipment, and I was like ‘it could go a little something like this.’Any other group would have just waited around and management would have did things.” Yeah, the Peas are really the scrappy underdogs who just make things happen. I’m so tired of Corporate America and the BEP’s own-management not doing anything to promote this unheralded band.
  • “Time for a couple more questions” — this phrase has never sounded more like a threat.
  • The NFL douche makes a Slash/Kordell Stewart joke when someone asked about a rumor Slash would be joining the Peas. Literally no one laughed and the BEPs had no idea what the fuck was going on.
  • Fergie looks like an aging, sun-ravaged monster.
  • A “wacky” Australian reporter says “My daughter’s first formal is next week, and the only celebrity who’s responded is Charlie Sheen. Will you come to my daughter’s formal?” will: “I want to send a lot of love out to the people of Queensland.” NO ANSWER ABOUT THE FORMAL THOUGH. Don’t leave us in suspense.
  • “We look forward to seeing you on Sunday.” No, no we do not.
  • Live-blogging in front of a TV with a wireless keyboard when not looking at a monitor is not the best idea I’ve ever had, especially when you have to stare into the eyes of Medusa Fergie.

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Filed under Music Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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