Let’s set the scene: It’s 8:38 Central Time on a Sunday night. I’m kind of drunk. David Simon Cowell, my Grammys live-blogging partner, is in Ecuador and presumably doing something other than watching an awards show from the land he abandoned. The Grammys are half over. I have missed most of them so far. I was not planning on live blogging these fuckers by myself this year. It’s a mountain too high.
But they just announced that Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be performing. Live. At the Grammys. For reals. THAT Gwyneth Paltrow.
So I have no fucking choice but to live blog the rest of these motherfuckers. I am doing this for you. Because I love you.
You know that Wilco lyric, “I was chewing gum for something to do”? Well, I’m drunkenly live-blogging half of the Grammys for something to do.
*I apologize for everything I am about to say and do. [sic] in advance. You probably shouldn’t read this. It isn’t worth your time.
Just before the live blog started: they trotted out Bob Dylan to play “Maggie’s Farm” with Mumford & Sons and the Avett Brothers, going for an old-timey hootenanny kind of vibe. But Dylan looked like a dancing skeleton. And sounded worse. And skeletons have no vocal chords. As far as I know. Dylan vamped around like a cross between Benny Hill and Liberace.
Hey…you know who is best suited to pay tribute to Teddy Pendergrast? Lady Antebellum. Wait…what? OK, maybe not best suited. Maybe not suited at all. But that is who is paying tribute to Teddy Pendergrast right now on my television. Up next: Jewel paying tribute to Fab Five Freddy and Willow Smith paying tribute to the Buzzcocks. Wait, now I think Lady Antebellum is just playing their own shit. What’s happening? I swear, I’m not that drunk. OK, now this is just extremely boring. I find myself getting nostalgic for Bieber’s duet with Jaden Smith earlier, with Will Smith creepily mouthing along from the audience. I’m sure Big Willie Style has some kind of Scientology-related mind control working with Jaden, where if Will can mouth the words perfectly from the audience, Jaden won’t screw up and the thetans will be pleased.
“Please welcome Miley Cyrus and Kings of Leon.” Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
“The Kings and I are both from Tennesseee” — Miley. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Miley and the Kings presented some award or other, I’m not even sure what. Is this the Kings’ apology for not going on Glee?
Hey, it’s Jamie Foxx!!! Jamie Foxxxxxxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx!!!!!!!!! And he’s introducing Gwynnie and Cee-Lo Green. This is the best moment of my life. All the stars are aligning. Apparently, Cee-Lo Green is performing with some Muppets. Generic Muppets, not even like Animal or anyone. What a waste of Muppets. The biggest waste of Muppets of 2011? I say yes. Cee-Lo Green — you, sir, are no 1974 Elton John, no matter how many fowl costumes you may wear.
Statler and Waldorf are throwing up on their balcony now.
You are not a singer, you forgetting cunt. Sorry. Just sayin’.
Schtick! Banter! Earrings. Pink earrings. I think I read about those in GOOP — they’re the perfect no-fuss earrings for any working mom. Only $45,000 from Tom Ford. Now Gwynie is lying on Cee-Lo’s piano trying to be sexy. And failing. YOU ARE NOT A SINGER OR A ROCK STAR OR A COUNTRY SINGER BURN IN HELL YOU FORGETTING C-WORD BITCH.
I am beginning to regret this half-drunk live blog of the half-Grammys because I fear it could be a little mean-spirited. Oh, well. “No regrets” — Tim Riggins
Why don’t I hate Katy Perry? I honestly don’t understand. Is it just the boobs? Probably. She’s just never irritated me in the same extreme way as Britney Spears or Lady Gaga or Xtina or any of the others. It’s probably the boobs. It’s not like I’m enjoying this performance or anything — it’s just that it doesn’t piss me off to the degree I feel like it should. “This one goes out to all the Valentine lovers” — it’s like she set out to directly refute my lack of hatred. Well played, Perry. “Sing it with me.” Um…Katy. I’ve never heard this song before, so that’s not easy. BUT WAIT — Nicole Kidman (WHY IS SHE HERE) is singing along from the audience. Why? Why?? WHY????? Did Tom hurt you that badly?
Norah Jones, John Mayer and Keith Urban are coming out on stage. So this is how we all get bored to death. Fair enough. And they’re playing “Jolene,” just to rub it in our faces that the White Stripes retired this week. Ughhhh.
Mayer looks like Johnny Depp in Don Juan DeMarco. This is not a compliment or an insult. It just is. Is Norah Jones part African-American? Does John Mayer’s cock reject her?
I officially hate all the nominees for Song of the Year. Rihanna, Dr. Dre and Eminem: five years too late. Eminem hasn’t released anything worthwhile since The Eminem Show. And Dre has been silent since 1999.Thank you, Eminem, for convincing me that buying Lollapalooza tickets this year would be an absolute waste of money. I don’t believe Eminem’s anger anymore.
Oh, hi, Dr. Dre. This is like watching Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle hit back-to-back now, in 2011. And they’ve both been dead for twenty years. Jewel looks like one of the actresses in Boogie Nights when they try to class it up and look like they’re not a porn star for some social gathering. I think she’s presenting best new artist. My prediction: not Ezmerelda Spalding.
Wha???? It is Espinoza Spalding! Who the fucking fuck is this, and how could she beat the Biebs and the chick from Eat Pray Love? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY?
Sidenote: this conversation just happened.
Mrs. Dilemma: Gwyneth is amazing.
Me: No, she’s a c-word.
Mrs. Dilemma: No, she’s amazing.
Me: No, she’s a c-word.
We’re a regular Eric and Tami Taylor, I tell you.
OK, so it seems like Esperanto Spaulding plays the upright bass. Definitely Best New Artist material. Escalido Spaulding oozes raw charisma and sensuality. Eddievedder Spaulding is playing background music while the guy from the Academy talks about his museum or something? I’m confused. Esposito Spaulding takes a back seat to no one! Ooooh, dead folks montage. Evangeline Spaulding is still playing! Lena Horne with some early applause. Charlie Louvin gets a nice hand, but I bet is’s just bc of the album cover. Teena Marie grouped in with two other dead folks. Malcolm McClaren with some momentum. Some publicists? Really?? How about the secretaries? I think David Geffen’s dry cleaning gopher died this year. Don Kirshner with no applause at all. Jimmy Dean with a primo spot. Alex Chilton with a smattering, not enough. Solomon Burke with a slightly louder smattering. I actually think Charlie Louvin might have won the day.
Oh hi, Mick Jagger. He’s here to perform a Solomon Burke song in tribute. I appreciate the sentiment, Mick. I love Solomon Burke too…but you have never seemed more white. Though you may actually have as many children as Solomon Burke. You may be the only one. Well, you and Antonio Cromartie. A lot of white people in the audience are making “sexy” soul music faces. John Mayer included. And Nicole Kidman again! And Drake. And Seth Rogen. This is painful. If not for hi-def, you might not know that Mick Jagger has aged since “Emotional Rescue.” I do not mean this as a compliment. Gwyneth is like, “Hey, it’s that old guy Chris talks about sometimes!”
I just stopped paying attention for a second, and now Barbra Streisand is singing. I knew this whole fucking thing was a bad idea. Barbra kind of looks like Birdie from the McDonald commercials, no? And now with this purple dress, she’s like a cross between Birdie and Grimace?
The best thing about the way I’m doing this is that I will be able to go back and fix
all most of the typos before hitting publish. And you ignorant fools out there will continue to have no idea how clumsy and dumb I really am. But you will know that I think Gwyneth Paltrow is a c-word. That secret is out, I think.
Did you know that Lady Gaga shares a first name with my wife? True story. “Lady Mrs. Dilemma.” Why is will.i.am here? This is not the Super Bowl, this is a place for art. I am getting angrier by the second. Healthy, right?
Eminem wins best rap album. Thanks lots of corporate types. Then thanks Detroit because Lipton Iced Tea and Chrysler told him to.
Undercover Boss is still on? Really? Egypt had a revolution and we still have to watch Undercover Boss? Fucking Americans.
Here is Diddy without Dirty Money. Losing interest quickly…J Lo and Marc Anthony have the sizzling chemistry of a gay man and a lesbian who have never met before.
(The Song Otherwise Known as “Forget You”) — really? That’s what we’re calling it?
Hey, Lady Antebellum is winning all the awards. Yet another affirmation of how vital and relevant the Grammys are. Fingers on the pulse, gentlemen! Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose! (Sidenote: it is almost impossible to believe how badly I just butchered the spelling/typing of the word “relevant.”)
“What a year holds” — that doesn’t make sense. Then Dude Antebellum says they just cried their eyes out backstage. That don’t play in Nashville, son. You’re only allowed to cry about dead dogs and during the National Anthem.
Two things just happened simultaneously: I nodded off, and The Arcade Fire won album of the year. So…scratch everything I just wrote? Nothing is real.
Win Butler seems a little too happy and excited about this victory. It’s like he thinks winning a Grammy is an affirmation of something. Instead of a sick joke — the last gasp at respectability from a dying institution.
UPDATE: A prescient moment from last year’s live blog —
9:52 PM: D.S.C.: nothing says sex drugs and rock and roll more than the grammys
If you were to guess who the next Kings of Leon is (talented indie cred band who sells out and starts winning grammys) who would it be
T.D.: Hmmm….maybe MGMT? Arcade Fire?
D.S.C.: I was thinking Arcade Fire…don’t know if MGMT has the legs…
UPDATE #2: My favorite reaction to the Grammys on Twitter came courtesy of our beloved Peter King, who had this to say: “I am 53. Grammys waaaaay over my head. Haven’t watched.” If Peter King is not firmly in the Grammys’ target demo, what the hell is the point?