Since December 16, food has lost all taste, beer has failed to quench my thirst and laughter has felt joyless… I haven’t even been able to engage in the act of physical love without weeping (not even with myself).
But this morning, the sun finally shined again. As I sullenly perused the morning headlines, my heart jumped back to life… Larry King is reemerging with a one-man show!!! I’ll no longer have to plan the assassination of Piers Morgan, sharpening my knife rhythmically against my leather strap as I watch his horrible show and try to remember what once was. Not only will I be able to revel in the King’s razor-sharp wit and masterful story telling, but I’ll be able to breathe the same air. Hell, I bet I’ll even be able to smell his body decay from my front row seat (who am I kidding… seats… from April 14 to June 11, consider me a Kinghead).
Thanks to the massive clout that being a co-founder of P.C.H.A. gives me, I obtained a tape of a rehearsal… here’s a taste:
“Maybe this dates me a bit, but for my money they just don’t make ’em like Barbara Stanwyck anymore… Say what you will, but that Mohammar Quadaffi hasn’t aged a day in thirty years – maybe I need to move to Libya… Nothing like a hot cup o’ joe on a cold winter morning… It may just be me, but I hate Tax Day… How McDonald’s packs so much flavor into one Big Mac is beyond me… I can’t wait until Piers Morgan gets caught for raping all those children… Some mornings, I feel like I could still strap on that leather helmet and fling around the ol’ pigskin… Do they still make ’em out of pigskin anymore anyway?… Take my word for it – these microwave contraptions are a fad… When my son Chance graduates high school, I’ll be 85 – and just getting started!… Someone needs to tell that Kanye West that he ain’t no Sammy Davis Jr…. Boy, that Sean Penn sure seems angry… It’s been almost year since I drove Wife #7 to attempt suicide – I bet Hallmark makes a pretty good card… I could be wrong, but I don’t trust any food that’s blue… Memo to Al Gore: This global warming thing sure makes it cold… I haven’t seen a player like Carmelo Anthony since Dolph Shayes…”
I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin it for you. Now, if only we could get Peter King to be the opener.