The Internet: Giver of Life, Taker of Souls

Today, the Internet showed itself for both the caressing, maternal goddess of light and the vengeful, acidic demon that it is.

First, a new unofficial video emerged for LCD Soundsystem’s “Dance Yrself Clean,” featuring the Muppets in a loving homage to overblown ’80s music videos.

The video is a follow up to the one James Murphy participated in a few years ago for “New York I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down,” and collectively, the two videos may be the greatest things that have ever happened to an undeserving human race.

(proof that we’re undeserving comes in the form of this comment for the YouTube clip of “New York” — “I feel like crying too. Ever since I witnessed James Murphy commit the cardinal sin of exposing kermit with someone’s hand up his ass. I feel he has broken the unwritten rule of puppetry and because of this he is now dead to me. It’s a shame because I loved LCD, but some things are inexcusible, and this is one of them. C**T…”)

LCD Soundsystem. The Cookie Monster. Kermit. Literally all the good things in the world are in that video. So thank you, Internet, for your grace and generosity.

But curse you, you evil, back-stabbing motherfucker, for your dark side, which you present when you decide we most need to feel our spirits torn from our bodies.

You give us: the latest issue of GOOP, in which Gwyneth Paltrow talks about reflexology (stay tuned for the next issue of GOOP when Jenny McCarthy tells Gwyneth all about the causes of autism). Most dreadfully, Gwynnie lets us know that:

I have always had very painful menstrual cramps.

The eternal wailing of 5 billion dead souls cannot express the horror I feel right now. My eyes can never un-see that sentence.

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Filed under Internet Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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