Who To Choose?

The United States has been torn asunder in a way it hasn’t been since Team Mona vs. Team Blanche nearly caused a second Civil War. The ongoing feud between Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre has divided families, ended friendships and caused the regime of Muammar Gaddafi to crumble. Worse of all, the lack of new Two and A Half Men episodes means that we don’t even have laughter to bring us back together again. So who’s to blame for this catastrophe? Let’s go to the board.

Name Changes:

Charlie Sheen was born Charlie Irwin Estevez. Chuck Lorre was born Charles Michael Levine. It’s self-hating Hispanic vs. self-hating Jew.

Winner: Chuck. Charlie adopted the stage name of his famous father… I’m on team Emilio here.


Chuck dropped out of college after two years. Charlie was thrown out of high school a few weeks before graduation.

Winner: Charlie. His rebellious streak started early.


Chuck is divorced with two kids. Charlie Sheen is thrice-divorced with five kids. But that doesn’t tell the whole story.
-He had his first kid at 19 when he knocked up a girlfriend.
-He was engaged to Kelly Preston… the engagement ended when he shot her in the arm.
-He’s dated many porn stars, including Ginger Lynn, Heather Hunter and Bree Olsen.
-He was Heidi Fleiss’ most famous client.
-He now has two girlfriends… they all live together.
-His ex-wife is Denise Richards, his father is Martin Sheen and his brother is Emilio Estevez.

Winner: Charlie in a walk.

Career Highlights:

Chuck: He was a writer on Roseanne for two years.
Charlie: He starred in two of Oliver Stone’s best movies, Wall Street and Platoon. He was in two of the best baseball movies ever, Major League and Eight Men Out. Plus Red Dawn. Ferris Bueller, Lucas, and Hot Shots 1 & 2.

Winner: Charlie… duh.

Career Lowlights (other than Two and A Half Men):

Charlie: Men At Work, Navy SEALs and The Rookie… 1990 wasn’t a good year for Charlie.
Chuck: He also created Grace Under Fire, Cybill, Dharma & Greg, The Big Bang Theory and Mike & Molly.

Winner: Chuck… his oeuvre shows he might be history’s greatest monster.

Weird Obsessions:

Chuck: Writes long and unfunny vanity cards that he posts at the end of each show and on his website.
Charlie: Thinks 9/11 was a controlled demolition and has appealed to President Obama to set up a new investigation of the conspiracy.

Winner: Chuck… 9/11 conspiracies are creepy.

Which side is better?

Even with his faults, I’m on Team Charlie. More talent, more fun, more entertaining craziness. Back off Chuck, and get back to making (stupid) America laugh.


1 Comment

Filed under David Simon Cowell, Television Has AIDS

One response to “Who To Choose?

  1. Pingback: The Lauren Alaina Bible.

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