I think we can all agree at this point that Arizona is the best state in the union. I mean, states as disparate and wonderful as Indiana and Alabama can make legitimate claims on that title, but I think Arizona really has it locked down.
It started with the whole MLK Day thing in the ’80s (well, it probably didn’t start with that, but we only have so much time), when the state showed it knew how to make a stand even in the face of overwhelming public opinion. If a state believe it’s OK to be racist, then damn it, they should stick to that. Then, there was the immigration law imbroglio of 2010, just in case we needed a reminder that Arizona sticks to its guns. The Constitution, judicial system, legislative system, most of America, and moral common sense may say one thing, but if Arizona disagrees, then fuck ’em, am I right, guys?
Hey, speaking of guns, the latest and greatest news out of the The Grand Canyon State (“Hey, we happen to live near a giant hole in the ground! That’s something to brag about. Slap that shit on a license plate!”) is that the state legislature has introduced a bill to name an official state firearm: the Colt revolver.
In the same state where, just two months ago, Gabrielle Giffords, a 9-year-old girl, and 18 others were gunned down outside a Safeway near Tucson.
Awesome. Awesome plan, Arizona. Sensitive.
But the legislature isn’t stopping there. We here at PCHA used our inside government connections to obtain a copy of the proposed bill, and we learned that Arizona is also planning to adopt other official state items, to add to the official gun, official bird, etc. Click through for the list.
Official Arizona state flower: Saguaro blossom
Official state fish: Apache trout
Official state neckwear: bolo tie (for reals)
Official state gun: Colt revolver
Official state Monster Truck: Gravedigger
Official state nuclear bomb: submarine-launched ballistic missile (weird since they don’t have any coastline, right?)
Official state racial slur: “wetback”
Official state anti-immigrant taunt:“Whyn’t you go back to your homeland and eat a shit burrito, you dirty Mexican! Oh, you aren’t Mexican, you’re Puerto Rican? The mere fact that you think that makes a difference PROVES you don’t belong in Arizona.”
Official state song: By the Time I Get to Arizona (re-appropriated ironically)
Official state union-buster: Tommy “Lead Pipe” Barnham
Official state lynching method: necklacing
Official state religion: killing abortion doctors (the church is just the gun section at the local Wal-Mart)
Official state film: Birth of a Nation
Official state reverend: Fred Phelps
Official state thing to do when you see a gay couple in public: spit on the ground, cross yourself, back away slowly.
Official state thing to compare gay sex to: Men fucking dogs. Boy dogs, to be specific.
Official state icon: Curt Schilling
Official state position on Pat Tillman: He died a noble hero for his country, but his pinko family is messing everything up.
Official state thing to throw at interracial couples: rotten bananas
Official state excuse for the oppressive, inhuman weather: “But it’s a dry heat!
P.S. Is the gun lobby behind this bill? Of course it is.