The Unreachable, Unbreachable Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen is everywhere. He’s on E! News, Access Hollywood, 20/20, CNN. He’s in People Magazine, Time Magazine, Entertainment Weekly. He’s on podcasts, video streams, rooftops. He is most certainly in our hearts, minds and bloodstreams.

But one of the great ironies of the Charlie Sheen meltdown and 24/7 media storm is that even as Charlie is talking to anyone with a microphone or video camera, the people who most want to reach him can’t. The people who most want to help him can’t even get in touch with him. His family and former friends are shut out. Until now.

When Deadspin obtained Sheen’s cell phone number and released it to a grateful populace, many people were finally able to try to connect with Sheen, to hear his voice — if only on a voicemail recording.

We here at Pop Culture Has AIDS were able to get our hands on a recording of Sheen’s voicemail from this week. Here are the highlights:

Emilio Estevez

“You leave it, I will try to retrieve it. BEEP.”

Uh, hey Charlie, hey man, what’s going on? Um, you don’t have to answer that, I guess I know what’s going on. I’ve seen the news. I just thought I’d try to reach out to you since we haven’t really talked in a while. I want to make sure you’re OK. Are you OK? I’m here if…uh…if you need to talk to someone, although it sure seems like you’ve got plenty of people to talk to. So, I guess I just wanted to say that I love you, man. I love you, Carlos. And I’m here for you….although, it’s not like you’ve been there for me over the years, you know? It’s not like you were ever there to give me a leg up when you were a huge star and I was really struggling. It’s not like you gave me a shoulder to cry on — or even some decent drugs — when Paula went batshit crazy and I was a broken mess. And hey, remember back, maybe ten years ago, when I suggested that we’d be great in a TV show together? It was right after you started on Spin City and decided that you weren’t too good for TV after all. Remember? Remember how I said we could be two brothers living together, kind of an Odd Couple thing, and maybe one of us could have a kid? How we could recapture that amazing Men At Work chemistry? How real brothers have a bond that can’t be recreated through acting? No, I bet you don’t remember, you ungrateful jerk. Whatever. I’m sure you’ve been more of a brother to Duckie than you ever were to me. Maybe now Dad will listen when I tell him to wash his hands of you once and for all. Good luck with everything, ‘Los. I’m sure this is all gonna work out great for you. Just remember this when you’re broke and alone and your porn hussies have all left you and you’ve lost your kids forever: Lord, I never drew first but I drew first blood.

Pat O’Brien

“You leave it, I will try to retrieve it. BEEP.”

Chaz! Chaz! Pat here. Listen, I’d love to have you on The Insider but that’s not why I’m calling. I’ve seen you in those streaming videos with the goddesses, and man, that’s just some sexy, sexy stuff. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be…Fuck it. Chaz, you look good in those videos. You’ve never looked better. And the goddesses look good. Bree Olsen? Holy shit, you know what I mean? I can’t hold this in anymore: I’m just so fucking into you. I want you to come over with me and Betsy, and just get crazy. I just want to do terrible things to you, ha ha ha. Bring the goddesses too! I’m into it, Betsy’s into it, let’s do this! I’m so fucking into you. Next time I see you on the red carpet, you don’t even have to talk to me — but as you’re walking by to talk to Billy Bush, I just want you to look me and say yes. Or just nod. Just look at me and say yes. If you’re into it. I don’t know whats wrong with me…I don’t do this. But I just want to make you fucking crazy, let’s just fucking have sex and fun and drugs…and go crazy. Let’s do coke off Betsy’s ass. She’s into it! Just look at me and say yes.

Corbin Bernsen

“You leave it, I will try to retrieve it. BEEP.”

Hey there, it’s Corb…um, I mean, it’s Roger Dorn. (muffled: do I really have to do this? You really think this will work?) Yeah, so listen…Ricky…we’re getting the old team back together for an interv…um, I mean, a practice. All of us are gonna be there, even my wife who you fucked that one time, and she’s still hot for you. And Jake will be there, and Cerrano, and the whole gang. We’re practicing on the field in front of the Malibu Promises Rehab Center this afternoon. So you should definitely come on by, Wild Thing. Old times were the best times, right?

Angus T. Jones

“You leave it, I will try to retrieve it. BEEP.”

You know who this is. I’m just calling to say that you better get your act together before it’s too late. Because I will NOT have your foolish antics costing me a paycheck. Do you know how many fucking car payments I have to make each month? Hummers and Maseratis are not fucking free, my friend. This whole goddamn fucking mess better get resolved in time to get us back on the air by May sweeps. I think you’ve forgotten your place here, Chuck. You’ve forgotten who the star of our fucking show is. It’s not you. It’s sure as fuck not Jon. THERE IS NO SHOW WITHOUT ME, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF MONKEY SHIT. The half is the key. That’s been fucking established. No one watches a show about two gross old dudes. They want the cute, pudgy kid, you motherfucker. That’s why I fucking eat six pints of Ben & Jerry’s every day. You think I LIKE looking like this? I give the people what they want so we can all stay in our fucking mansions. That’s the deal. Did you forget the goddamn deal, you pathetic pussy bitch? What are you, my grandfather’s age? And making such a fucking ridiculous spectacle of yourself. You keep that shit in-house, motherfucker. You think I let TMZ film me with porn stars I’m fucking? Fuck no, cockmuncher. So you listen to me: YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW or you will never work in this town again. What town? MY TOWN. You are endangering Daddy’s paycheck, and that is not a smart fucking move, faggot. I will see you roasted for this if you don’t fix it pronto. You think you have problems now? YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS NOW?? You ain’t got shit compared to the hellstorm that will come down on you if I have to delay my lagoon installation. I WILL MAKE THE SKY CRY BLOOD ON YOUR ASS. So I’ll see you at work tomorrow, no? Are we clear? Cool. Give Bree a kiss for me.


1 Comment

Filed under Film Has AIDS, Television Has AIDS, The Dilemma

One response to “The Unreachable, Unbreachable Charlie Sheen

  1. Pingback: The Unreachable, Unbreachable Charlie Sheen | Pop Culture Has AIDS | Charlie Sheen Quotes

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