Mr. Consistant

He may be one of the most annoying actors ever (he single-handedly ruined classics like The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Look Who’s Talking Too and Problem Child 3: Junior in Love), but Gilbert Gottfried has proven himself to be the stand-up standard when it comes to finding where the outer limit of tastelessness lies.

He’s legendary for the joke he made during a roast at the NYC Friar’s Club, a few weeks after 9/11:

I couldn’t get a direct flight because they said they have to connect with the Empire State Building first.

And now, he’s brought his tragedy insult schtick into the social media age. Here are the tweets from RealGilbert from the past two days:

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy I need 50 million gallons of water a day.

I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said “is there a school in this area.” She said “not now, but just wait.”

What do Japanese Jews like to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

I asked a girl in Japan to have sex with me. She said “okay, but you’ll have to sleep in the wet spot.”

What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.

My book #rubberBallsAndLiquor was released in japan. It’s making quite a splash.

I fucked a girl in japan. She screamed “I feel the earth move and I’m getting wet.”

Japan called me. They said “maybe those jokes are a hit in the US, but over here, they’re all sinking.

Japan had put out this urgent plea….” PLEASE SEND US A FEW BIlLION RUBBER DUCKIES!!!!!”

What do the japanese have in common with @howardstern? They’re both radio active.

Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

It obviously takes a man with no soul and no chance of getting laid to make such publicly gleeful jokes about a still-unfolding tragedy that involves tens of thousands of corpses. At the same time, I first learned how funny jokes could be from the Challenger disaster (the 10-year-old D.S.C.’s favorite: What were Christina McAuliffe’s last words to her husband? “You feed the kids, I’ll feed the fish”; runner-up: Did you hear NASA has replaced Tang with Ocean Spray… it was their second choice because they couldn’t get 7-Up.”) As much as we might pretend to care about each and every one of god’s creatures, the constant onslaught of fake televised tragedy becomes numbing… when it’s replaced by honest-to-god horror, horror that cannot be stopped or helped in any way but only witnessed hour after hour on our HD TV’s from the comfort of our warm, safe, comfortable living rooms, humor becomes not only inevitable, but also necessary. While he may not be for everyone, I’m glad Gilbert is around to remind me that I’m not the worst person on earth.


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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Internet Has AIDS

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