I’ve literally only seen two Elizabeth Taylor films, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf (i.e. the roles Mrs. D.S.C. or Mrs. Dilemma will be playing depending on which P.C.H.A. founder dies first), so I’ve always thought of her as more of a starlet piece-of-ass than a great actress. However, it doesn’t matter, because anybody born in the past five decades knows her for this:
She had been so completely crazy for so fucking long that I always took her for granted. But her death this afternoon less than two years after the passing of Jacko means that the Mount Rushmore of crazy has seen some massive changes recently.
So who’s left?
It’s so sad… Liza with an L is the last one standing from the triangle of nuts that had dominated the monument for decades. Plus, once she passes, the spot will move out of the family for the first time in generations… she inherited it from her mother, Judy Garland.
I don’t care how lovable The Hangover made Iron Mike… he is still capable of snapping at any moment. Biting Holyfield’s ear will always define him, but there is also much other craziness, such as these quotes:
He called me a rapist and a recluse. I’m not a recluse.
I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.
One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died. I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand. He was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard.
I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.
Never has somebody cemented their position this quickly. You have to give it to Chuck… he’s a comer. Think about it… less than a year ago, he was signed for two more seasons of Two and a Half Men for $1.8 million per episode (maybe the president of Warner Brothers should be on this list). Less than five months ago was the destruction of Plaza Hotel suite that kicked off the recent run of insanity. As of now, there’s no conceivable way that he will stop being crazy short of dying. Which should be any day now.
The Fourth Spot
I wouldn’t want to be disrespectful of Liz (OK, too late) by giving away her spot while her body is still warm (OK, that hasn’t been the case for years). In any case, there isn’t a solid no-brainer… some candidates:
LiLo is probably the leader in the clubhouse… the question is whether she’s put together enough of an ouevre to hold up over time.
Yeezy is destined for the monument… but not for while. He’s not only making his best albums, but some of the best rap ever… you can’t be that crazy if you’re still delivering the goods. 2020? That’s another story.
Much like in music, Brit used to be a contender… lately she’s been awfully quiet. She’s going to need to step it up for a chance at temporary immortality.
See also: Dave Chapelle
Conventional wisdom says L.T. isn’t a big enough name outside of sports, but his competitive drive still runs strong. On the day a spot opens up, he gives an interview about his recent plea-bargain for fucking an underage prostitute:
That’s not my M.O. I’ve been around kids and people all my life. I’m not the cause of prostitution. And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there. And I didn’t go pick her up on no playground. She wasn’t hiding behind the school bus or getting off a school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room.
It’s the world of prostitution. You never know what you’re gonna get. Is it gonna be a pretty girl, an ugly girl or whatever it’s gonna be… You can only ask. I don’t card them. I don’t ask for a birth certificate.