We Got Beat By Freakin’ Canada?

This link came from the Lanky Hippy, who has more interest in penises than is normal for a man who’s had both a Common-Law and a Bona-Fide wife.

Seems that the folks at Men’s Health paused in their manic crusade to find the best way to maintain washboard abs long enough to estimate the average penis size for every nation on earth. Now, there may be very few things I would trust Jann Wenner about, but penis size is one of them (the other things are the best poetic analyses of Mick Jagger solo albums and ways in which 1967 was awesome).

This being the Internet, somebody took the time to put the info into easy-to-read map form.

What does the data tell us?

Most importantly, that U.S. foreign policy is completely understandable on an anatomical level. Basically, we’re only saved from the bottom by the Asian countries (way to fight stereotypes, South Korea… 3.8 inches? Come on!) We barely beat out the Irish (5) Inch(es) at 5.1. No wonder we’re so threatened by Afghanistan (5.3), Libya (5.4), Iraq and Iran (5.7). Doesn’t really explain why we picked on lil’ ole Vietnam (4.5) though.

Worst of all, Canada beats us out at 5.5. First we let the loonie become real money, and now this? It’s time to annex those fucks to bump up our average (and to finally be able to claim the adorable Barenaked Ladies as our own).

Biggest surprise? The strong showing by South America. Conventional wisdom would have Africa dominating, and the Congo does take the top prize at 7.1. But 4 of the top 7 are from South America. Leading the pack? Ecuador at 6.9. No wonder my wife stays out all hours and I hear snickers when I walk down the street. I just thought it was my collection of witty T-shirts.

Unsurprisingly, the Lanky Hippy booked his ticket down today.

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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Internet Has AIDS

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