Worse Than Any Tsunami

We human beings put up with God’s fickleness because we have no choice. Until we find a way to build some sort of contraption that can fly above the clouds to where he lives, we’re forced to lived by his whims. A bit of hope here, a kick in the groin there. A Barack Obama here, a Sarah Palin there. A Derrick Rose here, a Jay Cutler there.

So far this year, the Old Man has allowed the unforeseen toppling of regimes in the Middle East (at least for the ones the U.S. didn’t get involved in… DirecTV still coming in OK, Muammar?) At the same time, He sent death by crushing, drowning and radiation-poisoning to poor little Japan, who hasn’t hurt anybody in at least a few decades.

But sometimes we have to take a stand, we have to rail against our powerlessness with all of our might.

I know I speak for all of us when I say this headline is the line:

Royal Wedding: Heavy Rain Forecast For Big Day

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

What the fuck is God’s fucking problem? Can’t we all get together and celebrate classist elitism without getting our mascara all runny from anything except our tears of joy?

What have Big Willy and Middlebum done to deserve such an affront? I mean, except for waste millions and millions of British dollars doing absolutely nothing on behalf of an institution that does absolutely nothing. But, think of Canada… they’re just happy to be a part of something meaningless that the world actually knows about (unlike, say, hockey).

If it does rain, it also means the public will be denied the chance to see the bride and groom in an open carriage on their way back from Westminster Abbey, as a closed-in carriage is on standby to be used in wet weather.

I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child than have this perfectly blissful day ruined by some stand-by carriage. I wouldn’t fuck that closed carriage with Bea Arthur’s dick.

If it rains, Prince William and Kate Middleton will leave Westminster Abbey in the Glass Coach, in which Diana, Princess of Wales arrived at St Paul’s Cathedral on her wedding day, rather than the open-top 1902 State Landau, which the newlywed Prince and Princess of Wales used for their carriage procession back to Buckingham Palace in 1981.

Phew… at least they’re covered… either way they’ll be blanketed by the good luck of Willie’s parents’ marriage… I’m starting to feel better.

I’m hoping this is some sort of cruel joke, one of those forecasts that keeps us on our toes until the glorious sun shines through, reminding us all that we should be fighting each other, not waging jihad on God himself. Because whenever a broke country can spend tens of millions of dollars watching a glorified frat-boy marry a gold-digging social-climber, it just has to take it. And we should be able to see them in all their buck-toothed, balding, ghostly-pale radiance without any clouds reminding us that on not every day does such perfection exist.

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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS

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