The May Surprise: A One-Act Play

INT. NEWT GINGRICH’S DEN – NIGHT

NEWT GINGRICH, REINCE PRIEBUS, JOHN BOEHNER and RICK SANTORUM lounge around Gingrich’s den on plush leather couches, smoking cigars and sipping brandy from snifters. They’ve gathered for their weekly tradition of watching Undercover Boss, then retiring to various corners of Gingrich’s estate with their regular prostitutes. The four gentlemen react with consternation when CBS News cuts into Undercover Boss (it’s the season finale), and then watch in silence as reports of Osama bin Laden’s death filter in. They watch President Obama speak, and then turn and walk away from the podium like a fucking badass.

REINCE

Fuck.

JOHN

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

RICK

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

NEWT

MotherFUCKER.

They sit in silence and stare into their glasses for a while.

REINCE

What are we going to do now?

RICK

We’re screwed in 2012. We’re all screwed!

NEWT

Now, boys. Calm down. This isn’t the end of the world. It’ll blow over by next November.

JOHN
(tears stream down his face)

How are we ever going to explain this?

RICK
(pacing maniacally)

This is bad. This is real bad.

REINCE

Newt, you’ve gotta admit — this is going to be a tough one to spin.

RICK

You guys, Twitter is blowing UP!

JOHN

What are people saying?

RICK

They love it! They’re happy! They loved the speech. They’re fucking celebrating in the streets with American flags!

JOHN

That’s outrageous! Who waves an American flag under a Democratic administration? Unheard of!

NEWT

If we just put out heads together, I’m sure we can figure out a way to spin this. Does anyone have any ideas?

They look at each other blankly.

RICK

Fuck it, I’m leaving the country! There’s no hope for us here!

JOHN

Oh God, how are we ever going to call the Democrats soft on terror or national defense again? Under Bush’s watch, 9/11 happened; under Obama’s watch, we killed bin Laden. Oh my dear heavens. Elizabeth, I’m comin’!

NEWT

Well, uh…um…uh…the Democrats are still soft on crime!

REINCE

Is Willie Horton still alive?

NEWT

Do you think we can get a picture of Obama awkwardly throwing a football in the surf before the next election?

RICK

We’re doomed. Now we’ll never achieve our dream of abolishing the income tax for anyone making more than $150,000.

JOHN

And the bill requiring mandatory self-flagellation after masturbation will never pass the House.

They fall into another uncomfortable silence. Suddenly, a secret door in the wall flies open and Karl Rove emerges dressed all in black. Rick drops his snifter in surprise and lets out a girlish squeal.

KARL

Well if ain’t the big swinging dicks of the Grand Old Party, behaving like sniveling pussies.

NEWT

Karl! Thank God you’re here!

KARL

Shut the fuck up. You disgust me. All of you. Have you learned nothing from my tutelage?

JOHN

It’s just that…we never expected we’d actually find him. We don’t know what to do…

KARL

Wipe your nose on your sleeve you sizzling ass hair. So bin Laden’s dead. And Obama got him. Those are facts. But in this world, gentlemen, facts are fungible things.

REINCE

But everyone’s so damn happy. You know that happy people are our worst enemy. What if…what if…what if they’re not afraid anymore?

KARL

Look, there are three viable options on how to handle this, and I’m embarrassed that I’m the only one around here capable of thinking this through. One, we can take credit for it. Now how would we do that?

NEWT

Hmmm…we say that this is the culmination of a long process that the esteemed George W. Bush started?

KARL

Exactly. What else?

REINCE

We give all the credit to our military officers and none to the administration. We say that without the War on Terror and the Patriot Act and waterboarding that none of this would have been possible.

KARL

Now you’re thinking like Republicans. So that’s option 1. Option 2: we show that bin Laden’s death isn’t as positive as people think.

JOHN

Because now the brown people will be after us even more!

RICK

And because we acted alone!

NEWT

And because we didn’t capture him alive!

KARL

Yes, yes and yes! Now Option 3: distraction. As you know, the American is a stupid, short-sighted citizen. If we wave shiny things in its face, it forgets everything that’s happened from before ten minutes ago.

RICK

We can try the birth certificate thing again!

KARL
(slaps Rick with the back of his hand)

No, you cretin! That’s over. That got us through two years but now we move on. Think! How else can we turn the tide?

JOHN

The president’s still black. Death panels. Michelle Obama hates fat children.

KARL

Nein! We need something new. We need something viable.

REINCE

Two phone calls from me to Goldman Sachs and we can have 30 million jobs eliminated by summer.

KARL

Now we’re getting somewhere…

NEWT

And I saw Obama put his arm around Joe Biden last week. One whisper to Bill O’Reilly that they’re having a gay, interracial affair…

REINCE

The other day in the commissary I heard him order Freedom Fries, but he called them French Fries. AND he wasn’t wearing an American flag pin.

KARL

Boys, I think we’re getting our groove back.

FADE OUT.

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Filed under Politics Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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