America Has Spoken: Hell It Is

In earlier days, we would have left questions of philosophy and religion to, well, philosophers and priests. To people who spent their lives studying and contemplating all the possibilities. But, clearly, that was just fucking un-American, because who are those fucking eggheads to tell us about anything. Go take a shower hippy or rape a child Father… we got this.

Thanks to technology, now all voices are able to be heard equally, with the complexity of the issue or the lack of thought no longer an impediment. And it can be done at lightening speed! The great news organization CNN commissioned a poll that answered the really important question about bin Laden within a day.

So do Americans think that the founder and leader of the al Qaeda terrorist network is now in hell?
According to a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Tuesday, 61 percent of the public says yes, with one in ten saying no and nearly a quarter unsure.

Let’s break down the numbers:

61% Say Yes: Welcome to the nation of Toby Keith and Ronald Reagan, Lee Greenwood and Bill O’Reilly, you Allah lovin’ motherfuckers! Think we’re going to apologize for killin’ anybody that attacked us and you’re fucking bat-shit. In fact, we’re gonna attack Obama for not cutting off the dickhead’s towel-wearing head and driving cross-country with it on the hood of his limo.  And if you take out your clipboard and ask us another dumbass college-boy question like that, we’re going to shove it right up your ass.

10% Say No:  This just in… America’s combined population of Islamic extremists and Hippy extremists is exactly 10%.  I’m not a believer in hell (I’ve always been more of a purgatory guy myself), but if I had to choose between the binary option of Osama bin Laden going to Heaven or going to Hell, I’m gonna have to go with hell. Plus, I hate burkas and hackysacks equally.

Nearly A Quarter Are Unsure:  Unsure… we’re just thinking about it.  Not, “What kind of fucked up question is that?”  Or, “Define hell first, you joke of a pollster.”  Or, “You have now officially made my decision to get rid of this landline complete.”  Just unsure.  We’re thinking about it seriously.  On one hand, Osama bin Laden seems like the stereotypical hell denizen, playing hearts with Hitler, Stalin and Patrick Swayze.  But, is our life here on earth really that consequential that a superior being would go to the trouble of punishing us for our sins here?  Golly, can we get back to you on this one?

Not “I DON’T KNOW”, as in leave us the fuck alone.


1 Comment

Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS

One response to “America Has Spoken: Hell It Is

  1. Pingback: On My Way To Hell | The Progressive Christian Alliance

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