Things That Are Destroying Baseball…

…according to Bob Costas and Jim Kaat’s broadcast on the MLB Network tonight. We all know that things were so much better back in the day, and tonight’s Yankees-Red Sox game has given Costas and Kaat a three-hour turn on a soapbox to teach us why. Here’s what’s ruining the game that used to be America’s pastime:

  • Pitch counts
  • Increased specialization
  • LOOGYs
  • Statistics
  • Batters not running out ground balls
  • Umpires not calling the high strike
  • Lack of bunting
  • Radar guns
  • Cell phones
  • Attention deficit disorder
  • PEDs
  • Payroll disparity
  • Modern scoreboards
  • PA announcers

  • Maple bats
  • Expansion
  • Modern dryers (uniforms that were air-dryed had a looser, more relaxed fit)
  • Clubhouse boys who are not allowed to give you a handy during hot tub sessions (fucking child labor laws)
  • Vegetarians
  • Third-base coaches wearing helmets
  • That rascally newcomer Bil Veeck
  • Digital watches
  • Postmodern scoreboards (they only display confusing collages of random body parts while playing Phillip Glass)
  • Generation X
  • Night games
  • Padded walls
  • Cushioned stadium seats
  • Advanced weather forecasting techniques
  • The darkies

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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