A Sneak Peak at the Failed David E. Kelley Wonder Woman Pilot Script

INT. COURTROOM – DAY
A Washington, D.C. courtroom is packed with lawyers, reporters and gawkers for what’s being called The Trial of the 21st Century. Seated at the defendant’s table is WONDER WOMAN (played by Adrianne Palicki), wearing a conservative business suit. Even so, her Amazonian physical attributes press against the restrictive wool jacket and skirt. There’s a noticeable and growing buzz in the courtroom — after all, Wonder Woman herself is on trial! Wonder Woman manages to maintain a calm demeanor amid the barely-ordered chaos surrounding her.

BALIFF

All rise! 52nd District Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Prescott P. Payne presiding.

JUDGE PAYNE (played by Mandy Patinkin) struts into the courtroom wearing a fluorescent green robe, diamond stud nose ring, and flip flops. Wonder Woman turns to her lead defense attorney, LORRAINE GARY (Kathy Baker), and arches a beautifully sculpted eyebrow.

LORRAINE
(whispering)

I told you Judge Payne is a little…eccentric.

JUDGE PAYNE

Be seated…and be righteous. The court will hear arguments in the case of The District of Colombia vs. Diana Prince. Ms. Prince — or should i call you Ms. Woman? — you are charged with one count of violating the United States anti-torture ordinance, one count of illegal immigration, and two counts of public indecency. How does the defendant plead?

LORRAINE

Not guilty, your honor.

JUDGE PAYNE

Right on, right on. OK everybody, because I’m such an eccentric judge, I’m going to flip a coin to see who starts. Heads! Prosecution, you’re up.

District Attorney MARCUM VALENTINE (Peter MacNicol) stands and addresses the court. He has an adorable stutter.

MARCUM

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have an important choice to make today: do you love America? D-d-d-do you love what she stands for? Do you love freedom? If you do, you’ll have no choice but to find Diana Prince guilty on all counts. N-n-n-n-now, let’s take a closer look at the crimes that Ms. Prince has committed, because they are all related to controversial topics that are IN THE NEWS right now. C-c-c-c-coincidence? Maybe.

He paces back and forth before the jury, fondling a stress ball the entire time.

Ms. Prince has admitted to using something called “The Lasso of Truth,” which is a clear violation of The Geneva Convention. This instrument of torture — perhaps aided by witchcraft — wraps itself around victims and “compels” them to tell the t-t-t-truth. Ms. Prince might as well have been a guard at Guantanamo.

LORRAINE

Objection, your Honor!

JUDGE PAYNE

Tone down the rhetoric, Mr. Valentine, or I’ll give you a timeout in my penalty box.

Marcum glances nervously at the large glass box in the corner of the courtroom, which is filled with various restraints and leather straps.

MARCUM

So we know Ms. Prince is a torturer, but did you know she is also an illegal imm-m-m-m-migrant?

The audience gasps. Judge Payne has an exaggerated bug-eyed reaction.

JUDGE PAYNE

Well that’s certainly a timely and controversial accusation, Mr. District Attorney! I hope you can back it up with evidence. Or at least make it up to me in chambers at recess.

He winks at Marcum.

MARCUM

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Ms. Prince is in the United States illegally. She is an Amazonian, from the Amazon. She is here using our nation’s resources, hogging our health care, draining our finances, torturing our citizens and not paying taxes. And the worst part? Even if we build that border wall, she’ll just fly right over it in her invisible jet. We can’t simply deport her. I’m afraid prison is the only option.

Lorraine whispers feverishly to Wonder Woman and her CO-COUNSEL (Fyvush Finkel).

LORRAINE

Your honor, we call Diana Prince to the stand.

JUDGE PAYNE

Well this is highly unusual….so I’ll allow it!

Wonder Woman stands and begins walking to the witness stand. Before she sits down, she rips off her conservative business suit to reveal her Wonder Woman costume beneath. The crowd gasps again. Marcum’s stutter grows worse.

MARCUM

Y-y-y-y-your honor! I m-m-m-must object! This attire is not remotely appropriate for the c-c-c-courtroom! The prosecution demands that the w-w-w-witness cover up her womanly assets.

JUDGE PAYNE

I’ll allow it!

LORRAINE

Ms. Prince, these are some very serious accusations you’re facing.

WONDER WOMAN

Yes, ma’am.

LORRAINE

What do you have to say in your defense? Can you produce a green card?

WONDER WOMAN

No, ma’am. But there is something I want to show the court.

She stands and whips out her golden lasso, then flings it around Judge Payne.

JUDGE PAYNE

Baliff!

WONDER WOMAN

Now, Judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Oh wait, you don’t have a choice! Now tell the court, for the record, who framed me for this crimes and destroyed all records of my green card.

JUDGE PAYNE
(struggling not to speak)

I did.

Another gasp.

WONDER WOMAN

And have you been working all along with Baroness Von Gunther to get me out of the way so she can implement her evil plans here in America?

JUDGE PAYNE

Yes.

WONDER WOMAN

So isn’t it true then, that we need to take a broader view of immigration issues and not jump to conclusions? And that we should admit that immigrants are part of what makes this country great, that they’re part of the fabric of our culture?

JUDGE PAYNE

Yes.

MARCUM

Your Honor…the prosecution d-d-d-drops the charges.

FADE OUT.

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