1. The MTV Movie Awards are, apparently, still a thing.
2. Jason Sudeikis, away from the character-based confines of SNL and 30 Rock, is not remotely funny. Sample joke: “Did you hear Snooki was rear-ended? This time, by a car.” Boom, roasted.
3. Giving Reese Witherspoon a lifetime achievement award is a socially acceptable thing to do.
4. Head Twilight douche Robert Pattinson is British. (Did you guys know this? I seriously did not know this. US Weekly never told me! How did we let a limey star in the most iconic 9/11 movie of all time?)
5. It’s totally OK to do this in front an audience comprised of the nation’s 12-year-olds:
6. Chelsea Handler looks so haggard that I keep waiting for a V-style lizard alien to reveal itself underneath her face.
…and she’s just as unfunny on her own as she is on her E! talk show. She’s the female Tosh, basically. Why do people like her? Because she’s a lady and talks about her boobs? Probably.
7. This may come as a minor shock, but I don’t think MTV hands out its awards based strictly on merit.
8. MTV has a new “Teen Wolf” show coming out that will almost certainly not feature a guy wearing a T-shirt that reads, “What are you looking at, Dicknose?”
9. Danny McBride won the competition for Celebrity Who Looks Most Embarrassed to Be Here and Partaking of These Shenanigans.
10. Best Jaw-Dropping Moment went to Justin Bieber for some dance movie over James Franco cutting off his own arm.
11. My soul died 7 more percent last night.