A Day in the Life of Chet Haze’s Summer Vacation

11:00 a.m. – Wakes up, takes shower, brushes teeth.

11:30 a.m. – Tweets that he just waked and baked.

11:31 a.m. – Tweets that he “Could not have waken up in a better way”

11:45 a.m. – Watches video of himself performing 15 times in a row. Raps along. Bobs head.

12:30 p.m. – Takes a quick dip in the pool. Fantasizes about shooting a rap video there.

1:00 p.m. – Reads a chapter of Tucker Max’s latest book. For inspiration.

2:30 p.m. – Heads to “the lab” (actually, a Mac Powerbook set up in front of the flat-screen TV) to write some lyrics.

2:35 p.m. – Masturbates to Katy Petty video.

2:37 p.m. – Begins penning lyrics for new song. Writes “My butler keeps buttling ’cause that’s how he do/My chef brings me smoked salmon and mushroom ragout”.

2:38 p.m. – Deletes.

2:41 p.m. – Writes “I’m taking my swag and I’m goin’ downtown/My chauffeur takin’ me to the Polo Lounge”.

2:42 p.m. – Deletes. Berates self. Watches last half-hour of Scarface.

3:15 p.m. – Writes:

Yo I’m hard as a rock and I’m rough like sandpaper
Chet Haze in the house and he a straight up gangsta
I be huffing that glue and killing them blunts
I’m punching your mama right in her gunt
My homiez rollin’ out with a handle of Bacardi
Going to find some bitches at a bumpin’ L.A. party
Got the hoopty bouncing like a jack in the box
Soon your girl’s gonna find my dick in her box

3:45 p.m. – Names the file “Future #1 Hit.” Jots down a note to ask will.i.am to do a guest verse.

4:15 p.m. – Reads Pop Culture Has AIDS post on a fantasy Saturday Night Live draft. Furiously composes a response.

4:45 p.m. – Cell phone rings. Ringtone = Drop It Like It’s Hot.

4:46 p.m. – Gets dressed to go out. Puts baseball hat on backwards. Puts on gold chain. Puts on Ed Hardy shirt. Rolls up jeans leg.

5:30 p.m. – Meets his bros at Buffalo Wild Wings. Fist pounds and half hugs all around.

5:43 p.m. – Orders an MGD 64.

5:48 p.m. – Says, “I’m really feelin’ a parmesan garlic dry rub, you. For reals.”

6:03 p.m. – Jaeger shots!

6:13 p.m. – Says, “This B-Dub’s solid and all, but there’s one in Evanston that straight up kicks its ass, yo. Their sauces are fresh!”

6:18 p.m. – Says, “No fuckin’ way, dude. I never wrap up Little Chet. My bitches gots to be on the pill, yo. The monster’s gotta breathe! Ha ha ha! And damn, I ain’t never gonna get with a chick who’s less than a Double D. I gots groupies, now, bro!”

6:37 p.m. – Raps along to Soulja Boy song being played over the PA, as his bros all chant “Get Hazed! Get Hazed!”

6:49 p.m. – Says “Look yo, haters gon’ hate. But I’m ready to throw down anytime, anywhere. You gonna hate on me? Hate on me to my fuckin’ face, gangsta. I may be a white boy, my flow is legit. Damn. I got that Purple and White swag, yo for real. So these motherfuckin’ haters want to step to me…”

6:50 p.m. – Cell phone rings. Answers.

6:51 p.m. – Says into phone, “Oh hey, Dad. How’s it going? Oh, nothing, I’m just out with some friends…yeah, you remember Winthrop, Davison and Peter, right? Right, from the club! Anyway, what do you need? Yes, I signed the forms and mailed them back to Mr. Stevens at Charles Schwab. Yes, of course I remembered to get them notarized! So everything should be all set up with that account. I still can’t believe what an amazing interest rate your guy was able to get me. Thanks again. Yes, I set my fall schedule before I left — they were finally able to process the paperwork on my change of majors to Human Communication Sciences. I’m so excited. Shall we do dinner later in the week? Nobu? Sounds perfect. OK, give my love to Mom. Bye-bye.”

6:55 p.m. – Says, “Damn, my fucking pops always all up in my business. Leave a wigga alone, homey!”

7:32 p.m. – Performs an impromptu freestyle at the karoke bar next to Buffalo Wild Wings, to the delight of the crowd and his bros.

8:05 p.m. – Chugs half a bottle of Robitussin. Debates with his friends whether this is called “Robing” or “Tussing.”

9:00 p.m. – Gets home in time to watch Franklin & Bash on TNT.

10:00 p.m. – Puts in DVD of “You’ve Got Mail.” Smiles through the whole thing.

12:00 p.m. – Tweets “Damn I’m stoned. This shiz is the chronic! Goodnight y’all!”

12:05 a.m. – Brushes teeth. Flosses. Puts on moisturizer. Goes to bed.

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1 Comment

Filed under Music Has AIDS, The Dilemma

One response to “A Day in the Life of Chet Haze’s Summer Vacation

  1. Zach

    This is TOO PERFECT.

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