The Seven Worst People You’ll Meet in the Mosh Pit

For the purposes of this discussion, we’re defining mosh pits as the more modern, laid-back version — wherein there is not much actual moshing. It’s the kind of pit you find at alternative and indie shows with harder-edge bands, with people crushing together near the foot of the stage. There’s some general mayhem, people pushing and shoving and jumping, some crowd surfing; but there’s not much of the old-time “get a running start and slam into someone as hard as you can” moshing. I’m sure that kind of pit still exists at punk and hardcore shows, and more power to them I guess. But I’m old, so we’ll be dealing with the less intense version of the mosh pit.

So more like this:

And less like this:

These are the worst people you’ll find there.

1. The Guy Trying To Record Video of the Entire Show On His Phone

This guy is the devil. He plants himself near the front of the pit and holds his phone high above his head. He tries to stay in one place so that the video isn’t extra-shaky. Yeah, buddy, I’m sure you’re recording an all-time classic. What cinematography! Permission is granted to “accidentally” slam into this guy from behind hard enough that he drops and breaks his expensive smart phone. Permission is also granted to “accidentally” fling beer or water directly at said smart phone.

2. The Perpetual Crowd-Surfer

What’s that, guy? You want a boost up so you can crowd surf? Sure. Cool. Here you go. Wheee! Looks like a fun ride.

/three minutes later

What’s that, guy? Another boost. Uh, sure. There you go. Just try not to kick me in the head this time.

/three minutes later

Really? Again?

/three minutes later

Jesus fucking Christ. You’re not a bird. You can’t fly. You’ve had your airborne fun, now fucking stay down here like a polite member of society.

3. The Energizer Bunny

There’s a rhythmic ebb and flow to every pit and every crowd. Even when bands play upbeat song after upbeat song, no one has endless energy. The crowd collectively decides to rest for a song, or a couple verses. But there’s always one asshole who is not content to rest and take it easy for a couple minutes. He chooses the exact time when everyone is chilling out to go careening like a pinball through the pit, bouncing off poor unsuspecting suckers that just want to catch their breath. He’s playing dirty pool, and I don’t believe he’s too dumb to read the crowd. I believe he just wants to start trouble and draw attention to himself.

4. The Conversationalist

Singer: Hey, how’s everybody doing?

Crowd: Whoooooo!

The Conversationalist: Awesome! How are you guys? Fuck yeah!

Singer: Who was at our show at the Uptown Club back in March?

Crowd: Whooooo!

The Conversationalist: Yeah! And at your show at the Johnstown Ballroom in January! And when you played the street festival last summer! And…

Singer: This is a new song, it’s called…

The Conversationalist: Oh, this better be “Boys Club”! I heard that song on a bootleg last week…

5. The Guy Who’s Overprotective of his Girlfriend

I have nothing but respect for the girls who brave the pit. It’s impressive that they’re willing to get jostled around and get sweaty and everything else. They’re great. But there’s always one girl there with her boyfriend, and the boyfriend always tries to keep everyone else from touching her. Which is impossible. Because it’s a mosh pit. But he’ll try to shield her, and he’ll shove people away from her, and he’ll occasionally yell something ridiculous like “Watch it, man, there are girls here!” To every girl dating a guy who does that: break up with him.

6. The Guy Whose Hair is So Sweaty It Flings Sweat On You Whenever He Moves

No further comment necessary.

7. Napoleon

Even the gentler, more relaxed mosh pits of today are fairly physical places. As such, being big is an advantage. Being smaller of stature myself, I pride myself in holding my own in the pit and not getting knocked over by some behemoth who gets shoved into me. But a lot of littler dudes have chips on their shoulders, and they take it out on everyone in the crowd. In an effort to prove something to themselves and those around them, they’re always the most violent and inappropriate guys at the show. Relax, little guy. It’s OK. You’re never going to be 6’4″. But you’re you, and isn’t that wonderful too? Isn’t that enough?

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7 Comments

Filed under Music Has AIDS, The Dilemma

7 responses to “The Seven Worst People You’ll Meet in the Mosh Pit

  1. Bob Jones

    So if you’re just looking out for your girlfriend, and don’t like the fact the guys are gropping her, she should dump him?

    Hahaha aren’t you a fucking retard, might as well let her strip naked and chuck her ass into the mosh pit. Fucking retard, this is the dumbest shit I have ever read. Fuck up faggot.

    • Anonymous

      Pretty sure the writer was just referring to general mosh touching (not in a sexual way), and talking about dudes who’ll go out of their way to make sure their gf doesnt get bumped in the pit, not groping or shit like that. Its pretty much a given that anyone who gropes a chick in the pit should get their head kicked in.

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  3. Anonymous

    THANK YOU> everyone should read this. Especially #7. how i got bone bruises at a show when im in the front nothing to do with the pit. and there are only 30 people at this show, is beyond me.

  4. Dave

    The “try to hurt someone” asshole. Good thing they are usually the ones that end up getting trucked the hardest. (someone puts him in his place) It’s about letting the music flow through you, not hurting someone.

    Some people just don’t know what a mosh pit is about. If you want to hurt someone, join the MMA. If you want to dance and have fun. Step into the party.

  5. Musky Canadian Scent

    8. The Entitled 5-Year Old Girl

    Dear guy who’s trying to “retaliate”: this may come as a shock to you, but you will get hit in mosh pits. You get hit more by the people who are next to/around you. You don’t own the space you’re in and everyone will be jostling to get that space if they can see better/have a better footing/get a breather/be where the best action is/etc. IT’S NOT FUCKING PERSONAL. Get over it, and don’t bother to punch and kick and whatever whiny cunt bullshit you’re trying to pull out of spite. It’s not worth it, and frankly if trying a normal mosh pit shove doesn’t work this won’t either.

    If you want a space to call your own then stay in the back or buy seats the next time the Glee cast comes through your favourite fancy theater.

    • Lis

      YES. LITERALLY THE WORST. You are not entitled to any section or size of space in standing area or general admission! This piggybacks on the guy protecting his girl one – if you are really small or medically fragile or PREGNANT, for fucks sake you shouldn’t be in the pit in the first place! We are not entitled to make a special cause for you – if you hog extra space or try to keep extra room, people WILL TRY TO TAKE IT. Get over yourself or buy seats!

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