Alternate Ways To Draft Your Fantasy Football Team

OMG, OMG, OMG… it’s almost here. A week from tomorrow, the NFL kicks off its season. Fuck Labor Day… it’s the real sign that summer has turned to fall, and that the year is heading into the homestretch.

According to some site I found on the Internet, for more than 20 million people the football season itself doesn’t stand alone. It’s merely the skeleton upon which their Fantasy Football team hangs. Fantasy has turned from a bunch of nerds into a chicken restaurant to a more-than-cottage industry, with websites, books, podcasts, etc., etc. all trying to sell you on their fantasy acumen.

But, as anybody who has played Fantasy Football for a couple of seasons can tell you, nobody knows nothing. Trying to guess a player’s performance from year-to-year in the NFL is a complete crapshoot. Tom Brady can go down in the first week and kill your season… Kevin Kolb can go down in the first week and make your season (if you were smart enough to handcuff him with Michael Vick).

Since injuries and parity and equal access to knowledge has made Fantasy Football only slightly more predictable than a March Madness pool, why sweat it? Instead of making a spreadsheet based on statistics that may mean nothing, have a bit of fun. If the chick in your office can win the NCAA pool based on mascots, why not you?

The All-Cool Name Team

QB: Colt McCoy, Cleveland Browns

WR: Anquan Boldin, Baltimore Ravens
Marques Colston, New Orleans Saints
Golden Tate, Seattle Seahawks

RB: LaGarrette Blount, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Montario Hardesty, Cleveland Browns

TE: Rob Gronkowski, New England Patriots

K: Connor Barth, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

DEF: Washington Redskins

The All-Whitewash Team

QB: Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers

WR: Wes Welker, New England Patriots
Austin Collie, Indianapolis Colts
Jordy Nelson, Green Bay Packers

RB: Peyton Hillis, Cleveland Browns
Danny Woodhead, New England Patriots

TE: Dallas Clark, Indianapolis Colts

K: Nate Kaeding, San Diego Chargers

DEF: New England Patriots

The All-Give-Rick-Reilly-and-Peter-King-A-Stroke Team

QB: Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles

WR: Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys
Chad Ochocinco, New England Patriots
Plaxico Burress, New York Jets

RB: Rashard Mendenhall, Pittsburgh Steelers
Cedric Benson, Cincinnati Bengals

TE: Kellen Winslow, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

K: Sebastian Janikowski, Oakland Raiders

DEF: Oakland Raiders


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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS

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