Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the marquee pop culture event of the year: Mike Vick and Chris Brown’s 2011 Persecution-Off. The two challengers will compete to see which of them is the most unfairly persecuted: the winner receives eternal absolution and one week in Las Vegas “off the grid.”
Mike Vick, you ready?
“You know it!”
Chris Brown, you ready?
“Ready, willing and able!”
Then gentlemen, let the Persecution-Off begin!
Mike Vick: Look, I think it’s pretty clear that the way I’ve been treated by the media and the system is just unfair. The fans have spoken, and the fans love me. So how long do I have to keep apologizing? My PR team tells me I gotta keep going, but it’s all I ever do! “I’m sorry for killing this dog. I’m sorry for killing that dog. I’ve changed my ways.” Can’t I just issue one last apology and that one’s good forever? And why do I have to keep speaking at schools and shelters telling everyone that I’m remorseful? Of course I’m fucking remorseful! Do you know how much cash that prison stint cost me? I just signed a contract for six years and $100 million. Do you know how much bigger that contract would have been if I’d signed it three years ago? Shit.
Chris Brown: I issued a formal apology for what I did (or didn’t) do. I even put it on YouTube. And that was that. I was ready to move on. And I could have moved on if it weren’t for one thing: the haters. Haters gonna hate no matter what you do.
Mike Vick: Chris, I got nothing but respect for you, but you can’t compare what you went through to what I been through. I was in prison, motherfucker!
Chris Brown: I’m in jail, too, Mike. Just a different kind of jail. I’m in Mind Jail. ‘Cause now all the haters want is for people to only think of my “incident” with Rihanna, and not all the other awesome stuff about me, like how I can sing, and dance. And how I’m funny! Just last week, I Tweeted “No more planking for me unless it’s on a sexy lady! Lol”. I’ve got so many good qualities, but whenever I do an interview they’re all like “Why did you hit Rihanna in the face?” Or “Why did you choke Rihanna?” Or “Why did you threaten to kill Rihanna?” Asked and answered!
Mike Vick: Yeah, but you hit an actual lady. I just electrocuted some dogs and used rapesticks on them. And that shit’s cultural! I can’t be blamed for killing dogs because lots of people from my background kill dogs. No duh, Chris Brown. But you know what lots of people from your background don’t do? Hit Rihanna in the face until she bleeds.
Chris Brown: Oh, I see. Shit’s getting personal now. Here’s the thing, Mike: I didn’t kill nobody.
Mike Vick: I didn’t kill nobody either.
Chris Brown: I didn’t kill nobody or no thing.
Mike Vick: Got me there.
Chris Brown: Dogs are lovable and furry, and you killed a whole shit ton of them.
Mike Vick: Have you ever met a dog? Can a dog sing “Umbrella” like an angel? No. If they could, I wouldn’ta killed or rapesticked any of them. I love dogs. And I can’t wait until I can legally have dogs as pets again, or at least be within 50 yards of one, but people in this country care more about dogs than they do about people. If you watch the news, there can be 20 straight stories about people getting killed, and no one will care. But if the 21st story is about a puppy who hurt his paw and he has to limp now, everyone will be like “Awwwwww!” That shit’s fucked up. Hitting a woman is way worse than killing a dog, but people are too dumb to see that. So I’m easily the most persecuted.
Chris Brown: Man, you’re a superstar again. You’re going #1 in fantasy drafts! People already forgave you, if they were every mad at you in the first place. (Not counting those PETA freaks.) Me, I still got a long climb back to the top.
Mike Vick: You were ever at the top?
Chris Brown: I’m ignoring that. Did you see when I went on Good Morning America to promote my new album, and they were all “Why do you hit ladies?” and I was all “It’s not really a big deal to me right now” and then I trashed my dressing room and tore my shirt off because I was so mad they dared to ask me that question? It doesn’t get much more persecuted than that. If I just hit a normal lady, everyone woulda forgotten by now. But I had to go and hit Barabados’ Sweetheart. Stupid, Chris! Stupid, stupid Chris!
Mike Vick: You’re right, that was bullshit. But it wasn’t as big of bullshit as when Roger Goodell made me be a backup QB when I got out of jail. I ain’t no QB2 — do I look like fucking Matt Saracen? No, I’m JD Fucking McCoy. Who also got a raw deal.
Chris Brown: I like JD McCoy’s dad a lot. I feel for him.
Mike Vick: I mean, I had to sit on the bench and watch Kevin Kolb play! Are you fucking kidding me? My brother Marcus is a better passer than Kevin Kolb.
Chris Brown: That dude was persecuted too.
Mike Vick: No doubt. Look, I think we can agree we’ve been been victims. Everyone makes mistakes, but we pay for it over and over again. They won’t just let us be us. They won’t let us shine. They…
Mel Gibson: Hey, guys:
Chris Brown: What are the fuck are you doing here?
Mel Gibson: I’m really hurt — really fucking hurt — that you would have this event without me. After hearing both of your sob stories, I feel badly for you, but there’s no way they can compare with what I’ve been through. I’ve been blackballed! They wouldn’t even let me be in The Hangover 2. And America refused to go see my redemption story in The Beaver. And I’m white, for God’s sake!
Mike Vick: Hmm, he does have a point.
Mel Gibson: Thank you. Now I’d like to talk to you two gentlemen about hiring you to rape my ex-girlfriend…